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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 7
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 7 |
We are a stronger couple today. We dont speak of the A. We dont speak of him or his family. We act like it was ancient history. I took the opportunity to lay out things I want. I wanted a partner in the finances of the home. I wanted a sexual revolution from her. I wanted her to be more open with her feelings. I wanted her to stop "taking" verbal abuse from her family or anyone. I wanted to her to have self esteem, self value, self confidence all of which were at zero during her A. Sounds almost exactly the same as my situation and she's in fact worked really hard to improve all those things. The great irony is that if she were the person she is today and the affair was not a consideration, I would say I had the perfect marriage. I just think during the months after discovery I fell out of love with her. Maybe it's a defensive posture or maybe I realized the amount of crap I put up with before and became disgusted with everything. I don't know. Also, I fully acknowledge that this is a big pity party. Like I said elsewhere it's just been a rough few weeks (exclusively in my head not with her).
Last edited by sortitus; 12/06/12 04:23 PM.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
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Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
Who was her OM? Is he married? Have the conditions that allowed her affair been eliminated?
Who all knows about her affair? Do your kids know?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387
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Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387 |
Sortitus,
I'm a BH as well. Let me say that MSS is correct. Those thoughts of yours are normal and expected after you discover your wife is cheating.
Did you come here for advice or just as a sounding board. There are vets here who can explain the steps of recovery, rather that ends in a better marriage, the same marriage polluted by an affair, or a divorce. The choice is yours. You have the power to start the change.
There is a saying you will find in many of the articles "There are reasons for affairs, but no excusses."
If you could be so kind, can you give just a brief explanation of the affair and the steps you and wife have taken since you found out.
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 7
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 7 |
So, if you continue to accept the conditions of living in an unhappy marriage and going through the motions, you may very well expect for this broken home to happen anyways, except at your mercy, and not because you made a stand for what was right. It's your choice, but I don't think you necessarily have the upper hand that you think you do. I'm not sure I follow you. Care to elaborate?
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[
I just think during the months after discovery I fell out of love with her. Maybe it's a defensive posture or maybe I realized the amount of crap I put up with before and became disgusted with everything. I don't know. You very likely DID fall out of love due to the affair. It is a huge lovebuster that erodes the love in a marriage. It happened to me in my marriage. But that is what this program turns around. The solution to falling out of love is to fall back in love.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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