Ok, last time i took $100 a week and gave it to him and kept the rest. Hopefully that will work again. Child exchanges will be hard, because the only place he could take them would be to her house, he didn't want them around her last time though. I will have to think about that, my mothers house I don't think would work and he's going to have to figure out where he can visit with them it won't be all day visits though because he'll have no where to take them.

It is going to kill him not to be able to see them all the time.
Should exposure happen before or after plan b? Or should I try to time it all together?

As for an im is email or text really that bad? I don't knw of anyone who would do that, maybe his work friend but I don't know him that well to ask. No one from his family would work, they love drama and would get to involved. My sister is the only one who could remain neutral, but she just started a full time job and school.

I completely agree that it's time to move to Plan B, not only for yourself but for your children.

Understand that part of what affects the children is their reaction to how YOU are doing emotionally, and we already know that women who stay in Plan A (aka having contact with an active wayward) too long do NOT do well!

You would be acting in your children's best interests to go to Plan B. You can begin to heal and this will help YOU be a better mother.

Also removing the source of confusion and chaos (your WH) from the household will be a good first step towards giving them some stability and peace as well.

Good! Plan B/separation SHOULD give the WS a taste of what divorce will be like!

"Reality helps!" ~ Dr Harley (can't give the clip, but have heard him say this on the radio show)

Just my 2 cents, but I would expose after moving to Plan B.

How soon can you get into Plan B?

the fastest would probably be a week. My sister is out of state until Thursday, and I have to figure out if she can be a im, and talk to people and see if they can be a drop off. And figure out the logistics of all of this, a visitation schedule, cars, it' a lot to figure out. I just found this out wednesday, i'm still in shock a bit. i'm going to try to get this ready before then but i need to have everything in place first. should i do Plan A in the meantime?

Just be a good mother and avoid lovebusters.

People misinterpret Plan A to mean that you should knock yourself out meeting his ENs. No.

All you need to do is demonstrate a willingess to meet his ENs if he will end the A and work on R, which you have already done.

You mean you just found out Wed that the A was active?

Yes,that it was still active. He swears that he did stop seeing her at first and I believe him because he started to change and act more involved, then around the end of April he started getting defensive and middle of May is when his phone stayed at work.

Ok so why your getting your logistics figured out in regards to the kids drop off/pick ups do you have your exposure list ready?

Do you have your Plan B letter written? Can you text or email your sister about being an IM? She can have all her correspondence with your WH through email.

Send her the IM training link that is in the "How to Plan B Correctly" thread.

Exposure list yes, Plan B letter not yet, I'm going to work on that tonight. She can't check her email I can text though, but I really don't think she will be able to do it w/ work and school.

I realize that you weren't fully "listening" before to the MB plan and now you are. So just want to make sure: You understand that as long as they work together, you must consider the A still active, no matter what. Right??

Yes, I know that he will need to find another job before we can work on anything. I wished I would have listened to advice before.

A little update, Friday I went to his work to see if she was there. She wasn't neither was he. How could I forget it was inventory day?? His mom came w/ me to drive by her house he was there, we fought and he didn't come home that night. He later said it was just a visit?!?!
He came home saturday while I was out, I told him he could not stay here. He refused to leave. I really have nowhere to go. He's been really horrible to me again. I tried kicking him out again last night, he refused said he would go when he was ready, I told him no go now. He said he would when the kids were asleep. He's still here. I really think he has no intentions of actually leaving even though she is pushing him to, and he told her he would.

I found 1 of her ex's (there are many) and he told me that this is what she does. She manipulates people and uses them. She has broken up at least 4 other families that he knows of. She told WH that this ex was a child molester, had child porn on his computer and burned it so the fbi wouldn't find out, tried to pay his friends to rape her, and beat her, but he is the one who filed for divorce. After talking to him and what WH has said I really believe she is a sociopath.

He is on vacation this week which is making it harder, I don't know if he plan on leaving this weekend (I really don't think he intends to leave, but who knows?) after camping. But I think my best bet is to do this Monday he works 2nd shift, I can get there before he gets off drop off his stuff, give him the plan b letter, and he won't be able to get back in the house. I'll take his house keys before work. Every day he gets a tea from the gas station, I'll go and use his keys and replace them w/ old keys so he doesn't notice.

Oh and my sister can't be an IM, she is the only one who would keep it strictly finances, everyone else would pass any message along. I don't know what to do if we kept it to text he could still put whatever he wants in there. Has any one been able to do this w/ no IM?

Oh yeah Saturday we had a long talk he was really defensive at first, but I held his hand and made him look at me. I told him this was killing his family, me the kids, and if he won't stop I will have to move on with my life. He started crying, real tears. So hard that he couldn't even speak. I know that deep down he loves me. I don't understand why he is doing this to his family. What is the pull towards her? When I kicked him out before he did not like it there at all, now they are on different shifts, so they will pretty much only see each other at work. He'll sit there with her 27 yo unemployed son. I even pointed out to him that her last 3 husbands she has cheated on and left. She left her last husband while w/ him. Her ex says she never keeps a man around for longer than 5 years. and her last 2 husbands were less than 2 years. A year ago he would have thought very little of a person like this, now he defends her.

jct94 -- PUSH him towards her. That is the way to break up this affair the fastest. It will not last, and the sooner he lives with these consequences, the sooner his fog will clear.

Get your ducks in a row, and get into Plan B QUICKLY.

Do not allow him access to you AT ALL. Make him take all 8 kids (and where he visits with them is NOT YOUR PROBLEM, with the rule that he NOT expose them to his whore.)

I will take all the advice I'm given and I will go NC, but won't that make him forget about me and get over me and push him towards her? When I kicked him out last time he was always here, and he wanted me to be here to. Every time I told him I should leave he said that's not nesacarry, and he often wanted to go places with me when I did. Isn't that what made him want to come home?

This is what you should be doing and what Dr Harley would encourage you to do.

jct -- what happens in an affair is that the OW is meeting a handful of his needs (usually admiration, conversation, and sex) while YOU are still meeting all the others.

Once you take yourself out of the equation, he will begin realizing that he misses all those needs that you are able to meet, and that OW can't do those. He will realize that you are able to meet the needs that OW is meeting and that you are the better choice.

But if you remain in the equation -- you actually help the affair to continue -- because he has 2 women competing and meeting ALL of his needs. While he tells you he is conflicted, in truth he is not. He is not trying to decide between you, he would like BOTH of you. And he will continue with that situation for as long as he can get away with it. He would continue sitting on that fence until one of you pushes him off of it.

Are you reading our posts about going into Plan B? Your husband wants to have 2 women meeting his needs. Are you ok with being woman #2, an option? If you are good with being part of a harem, then you should continue as you are. I will just tell you that men typically find women competing over them to be very unattractive. It makes you a less likely option.

Plan B will not get him back, but sitting by as his option will not either. It just makes you the less valuable option because the price tag is so cheap and easy.

Keep looking and find an IM. Staying in touch via texting is not Plan B and completely defeats the purpose. We are not just making up rules to entertain ourselves, we are telling you how it works.