Mamamalea, you seem to have erred repeatedly on the side of hoping for the best among what's possible, and putting up with the worst, even as worst gets even worse.

Let's talk about "shock."

Your husband has an extraordinarily high threshold for "shock." He lost his job. He lost a career that he'd trained for. He lost the respect of peers & friends. He lost his family's home, and his household was reduced to financial insolvency. He already lost almost everything -- and all of this fazed him... barely at all. It did not shock him to change his life. He's still living without transparency. He's still trolling for women, and maybe for dudes, too.

Good God, woman. Put his stuff on the curb already. Another "This time I really mean it!" scolding from you isn't gonna do the trick.

This is perfect advice!

Mel knows this is good advice because she grew up living with CRAZY and it took her a lot of real-life, real-painful hard knocks to her noggin to UNlearn the crap her parents modeled. That is why she is THE most passionate person on the MB forum. She knows what CRAZY looks like. She grew up in a crazy house, like your children.

I have no excuse as to why I have put up with his crap for so long. Growing up I promised my self that I wouldn't become my mother but, that is exactly who I have become. My father was also a serial cheater and my mother put up with this for 25 years. Finally after she found out that my father had another whole "marriage" and family on the side did she divorce him. He was also physically and meantally sometimes sexually abusive to us (9) kids.

The only difference is, My WH is actually really good to our kids and has never hurt them. We dont't fight infront of them either. We generally get along well unless I find out something new he has done because, I have been a door mat and I have allowed him to have a happy life even though mine was not happy. I have acted happy and have enabled him. When I want to talk about something he has done, we do it away from the kids. My kids are young and don't know anything about his affairs either. My mom and dad were good at hiding the affairs from us as are we. This is not neccesarily a good thing I know that.

I am planning on filing for divorce in Feburary when we get out taxes back and am saving up money to move to a smaller condo in our same complex with my two kids at that time. I know there is no hope for us because, someone who does not feel guilt or sorrow will not change perminantly. He will change again until he thinks its "safe" to stray again.

I have ignored my instincts for so long that it is hard to listen to what they say; there is no hope for this marriage and you are right my family is already very broken on the inside though; from the outside people think we are great. I'm not ignoring my instincts anymore and I'm getting out.

I want my kids to have a happy life with a happy mom not a depressed, stressed mom. I will follow through this time. I have had enough of this. I want a man who loves me and treats me with respect. I am a very loving person and show that love often. I like to talk to my significant other about everything but, that is also not a part of my marriage. My husband is very uncaring and indifferent. He is not a talker about feelings or anything else and for beeing a sex addict he is not touchy feely, not a hugger, a kisser nor a cuddler. He only does these things when sex will be involved he is also very selfish in that aspect of our marriage looking for only his satisfaction. Before our marriage I was a very touchy feely kinda person. I need something more and I know I cose what I have but, I'm chosing to give it up.

I won't be looking for another man for a long time after my divorce even though I am no good at being alone. I have gone from being in one long term relationship and within months after its over I'm in another one. I have never been just me... alone. I know this is because, I grew up in a very unloving home and craved being feeling loved by someone very early in my teen years. I have always been with someone since I was 14 years old. Never been alone.

I need figure out why I chose someone just like my father whom I don't get along with at all. I ended up to married to someone just like him with out the physical abuse. Before I ever have another relationship, I need to fix my self somehow be happy with my self and by my self for once in my life. I think my WH chose me because, he knew that I could put up with a lot and that I would just to stay a whole family.

I am done with all of this abuse. I don't know how to heal my self though and be happy by myself with my beautiful kids. I am a very good mom and always show my kids how much I love them. I listen to what they say and do fun things with them and I know we would be so much happier on our own.

I want to do joint custody with him getting the minimum about of allowable days (111) where I live but, I also am afraid that with no one to monitor my husband my kids might inadvertantly be exposed to porn or seeing multiple "friends" with my WH. I don't know if I should go for full costody with just visitation for him. His sexual addiction and addiction to porn is so out of control that he has lost everything except us and he still continues the distructive behavior he is also starting to explore sex with random men which I never knew he was into before not that its any worse than the women it just surprizes me so much. It scares me what could happend but, I don't know if a judge would agree with me on that and give me full custody as he has never hurt the kids or exposed them so far. I have proof of the affairs and articles from what happened with the police in our last town. Will these help me get more custody or will it be irrelevant because, he has never actually hurt them.

I wish I could trust him fully with them because, I want my kids to have both parents as much as possible even though we won't be together anymore. Do you think its safe to trust him not to expose my kids to this crap or do you think that I should go for full custody?

You need to tell your children (age appropriate) the truth about their father's affairs.

You need to expose and get into Plan B.
Exposure 101
How to Plan B Correctly

Did you read them?

Your first priority is to expose and get into Plan B.

My kids are 5 and 8 is it wise to tell them what he has done? Wouldn't the Judge see that as parent bashing when we are arguing custody? I did read them and they sound a little scary but, I plan to follow through with both.

Would sending a mass text to his and my families outlining his affairs,his addiction and outlining my reason for taking the kids and leaving, be a good way of doing this?

Do you have Facebook?

Did you read the exposure thread? It has everything in there. What to tell the children and what the exposure messages should be.

Facebook just seems very cruel to me. I don't know if I could do it that way but, sending the message only to our family seems more acceptable. Is this wrong? Does everyone he knows have to know for it work or just the key players in our lives?

I know he said to tell the kids I just don't want them to have no faith in thier father as I have no faith in mine,

The key players need to be on your list.

Your family, his family OW's spouse and parents, your children and anyone that has influence to put pressure on ending the affair.

Tell us your exposure list, who you are going to expose to.

3 of the of the womens husbands already know as my husband broke up thier marriages and families. Thier husbands found out before I did.

As for the people he is cheating on me with now as far as I know it is random men and women that he is meeting for sex. Craigs List doesn't even say thier real names.

We don't have many friends just 1 couple that we have known even before our marriage and a few people from our church all of which will know why I left because, I don't want people thinking its my fault this marriage is broken and divorce is only a last resort in our church.

I have a very large family he doesnt he only has a mom and 2 brothers. I planned to tell all of my family as well as his. I also plan to tell our bishop (clergy) and showing him some of the emails. This will be of big consequence as he will probably be excommunicatied from the church an have to go through a huge process to be allowed back. Our church doesnt take affairs lightly and the porn is also a big no no and that some of the emial are men will be even more of a consequence wether that is right or wrong thats the way it is in our church. Families husband, wife, and kids are everything the church is about we are taught families are forever and even thinking of straying is a big sin. I don't want to effect his job so I won't be telling his boss; we will need him to have that job to pay childsupport.

Anyone else you can think of?

What do you think?

How do you know all the OW's husbands know? I would tell them anyway. Unless you've talked to them yourself you can't believe they know.

The consequences he has to face through church are HIS consequences from his affairs. Do not shield him from his own consequences. Doesn't sound he is living a Godly life when he's running around having affairs.

Because, they divorce over it. 3 marriages ended 4 years ago I was the only one who stayed in this.

I know he is not living a godly life and I need to talk to my bishop anyway about to help me get through it but, also so he knows that I am not leaving for no reason or that I am not willing to try, get counseling and to forgive. I have tried and I have gone to counseling with and without him and he didn't change. The bishop will be finding out about all of it.

Ok so when is your plan to expose? Are you going to go into Plan B?

I can't really do anything until I get my taxes back. I can not afford where we life on my own and I will need to move to a new place. I have enough saved for the first months rent on an appartment opening in February. I still need to come up with the deposit and my sister is going to help me pay the retainer fee for the lawyer so that I can establish custody and child support. I will be leaving then and taking the kids and all of our stuff. Our appartment managers will let me out of my side of the lease here as long as I rent a smaller unit here. I plan to expose him the night before we move out while he is at work (10 pm -730 am) and ask all my family that lives here to come and help us move out the next morning. When he gets home, I plan to already be moving all of our stuff out and to have the kids sleep over at my sisters (45 minutes away from where we live) that night so that they don't have to witness the fall out. I want to stay in the same complex so the kids can keep thier friends school and church the same. I know this will impact them greatly but, I want to keep it at a minimum.
Is it ok to email the letter to him at work on his phone because, I know that he is constantly checking and erasing his emails?
I want to do plan B and I'm sure it will end in divorce because, I don't think that he can change he has let addiction take over his life and thinking.

You plan to keep living like this until February and then you can get out?

Are you still having SF with him? Have you been STD tested?

I got STD tested and pregnancy tested last week when I found the emails from that man. Thank God that I am clean and not pregnant. I am not going to sleep with him ever again. I am going to tell him that I need a break and he needs to go get STD tested before I would even consider it. He wouldn't get tested last time and he won't this time either I am sure so that solves the problem.

We work opposite shifts I work days and he works nights. He is also going to shcool full time because, he has to change careers as he can no longer get hired as a police offier anywhere. Had to start all over with school.

I want to leave now but, how can I without money. The kids and I only see him on Sundays and Mondays when the kids and I get home from work and school/daycare. He has Sundays and Mondays off and my kids still go to daycare after school till I pick them up. I figured I have been living this way for years. I can wait 1 1/2 months so that the kids and I won't struggle financially when I leave. I don't know what else to do. I am going to make appointments and run errands after work on Mondays so that I can spend as little time with him as possible until we move out.

If you know that you cannot leave for 1 1/2 months, make sure you will be prepared for it then. Plan A until then, expose, etc. Then give him a Plan B letter (even though he sounds impossible) so he knows the road home if he decides he wants to shape up.

Thanks for helping me. I will work on plan A I guess if he leaves after I expose him then I will have to get help filing earlier to get child support. I do plan on writing the plan B letter and giving it to him right before I leave. Its just going to be so hard financially if I do it any earlier than Feb.