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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6
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What just compensation have you given your wife?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
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Taffy1, you are not the first chronically unfaithful husband we've seen on MB who wasted time searching for a "What MADE ME do that?" answer in the rear-view mirror.
Let's just shorten the search right now.
Two things in your character that "MADE YOU" become a serial cheater.
You are lazy.
You are selfish.
There. Really, that is the correct answer.
The search is over.
Now what? 
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
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catwhit = Taffy 
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
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Posts: 3,686 |
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,477 Likes: 6 |
Catwit is Taffy's BW and he was logged in as catwit when he posted here on his thread.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
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Yup, posts 2690058/9 were both cross-attributed. I contacted the mods to see if they could fix it.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I understand what I need to do ( I think.) The navel gazing, rear view mirror approach is something that Cat needs me to do. She wants to know what were the emotional needs that were met by the OW, so I understand my vulnerabilities, and so she can make sure she fulfills that EN. Your vulnerability is that you allowed another woman to meet your needs. It doesn't matter which one. What matters is that you don't do it again. Here is the answer to your wife's question about why you did it: "An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them." hereNEXT!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 24
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OP
Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 24 |
 MelodyLane et al, Thanks for your comments and help, I was originally a little worried about posting here, I was convinced that being such a jerk would leave me wide open to getting flogged. And lo and behold, there was only mild flagellation. catwhit and I are progressing quite well, I was asked what "just compensation" I had given to Cat. I have made a commitment to make our marriage better than it was.i have learned some things from Cat about our marriage that shocked me, and I don't want us to be back there. I of course am fairing better than she, so I'm committed to trying to make her life better and at the same time have some fun together. I know What kept me going back, which was my original question. I was as I was told" too lazy" that is, to work on my own marriage problems. And I have to say in my opinion we are both guilty for not working at it when it was obviously broken. But that's no excuse to go looking elsewhere. Thanks again for he insight. Hope you all have a great Christmas time, Taffy1
Married to my last wife, for 18 years
Hoping for many more years
Me: FWH 63 yrs
She:FBW 56 yrs (Catwhit)
Discovery March 2012, and again in August 2012.
No contact since then.
Finally out of the fog!!!!
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...I was as I was told "too lazy" that is, to work on my own marriage problems. And I have to say in my opinion we are both guilty for not working at it when it was obviously broken. But that's no excuse to go looking elsewhere...
Hang in there, keep tending to her needs & being open about your own. Spend time with her. It can get better.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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