Thanks, GloveOil.
I had asked her before not to contact Taffy ever again. That I had copies of most of their correspondence, including her photos (nude), which she should use her imagination as to what I might do with them. She freaked out at the time, but now I have to carry through.

How do you think she got his new number?

What does Dr. Harley recommend in situations where a NC letter has been sent, but the OM/OW refuses to abide by it?

Dr. Harley has recommended to take legal actions against OM/OW if they won't cease contact.

I hope Taffy does that. I want it to be perfectly clear to OW that Taffy will do whatever it takes to protect his wife.

I suspect the Dolly got Taffy's new cell number from a co-worker, either at his old office (his company rented office space from her's, as his was their client - another reason she should not have been messin' with him...) or, less likely, from a co-worker at his new office.

But she would have had to go to great lengths to get it. And then actually make the call. Considering her last emails to Taffy - and to me - told us both to EFF-off, and even threatened my life, I think she has a whole lotta gumption in making contact.

I have long been concerned that Taffy's final NC letter, after discovery of false recovery, was not taken seriously by the Dolly. This is because after Taffy's first NC letter (where they were supposed to go to business-only contact), he told her he had written it under duress and never meant it. So I can see where she might not have that much respect for the second NC letter...

Taffy did receive a mystery voice mail, from the Dolly's generic office number, on October 30. Just a woman's sigh and then hang up. I always suspected it was the Dolly, but can not prove it. Now, my suspicions are even stronger.

Are you going to inform her supervisor and HR?

On 12/27, you wrote, "Taffy told me he is having challenges with triggering....Says he is triggered to wonder what his life would be like right now if he had 'chosen' the Dolly." Also, you noted that "she would have had to go to great lengths" to get it from one of Taffy's coworkers. Have you been able to rule out the possibility that Taffy contacted her, and that is how she got his new cell number?

I agree. I think there has been/is continuing to be much more contact than just the "Happy New Year" call. What monitoring do you have in place?

AM

You said "I have long been concerned that Taffy's final NC letter, after discovery of false recovery, was not taken seriously by the Dolly. This is because after Taffy's first NC letter...he told her he had written it under duress and never meant it." Do you think Taffy told her the same thing after the second NC letter?

It seems likely that they had contact between the time of her "eff-off" email and her "Happy New Year" phone call. If that is the case, you've been in a second false recovery.

You said his response was "I am okay. I am angry, but okay. I don't want to talk about it." I thought it was strange that he was focused on whether he was okay, not whether you were okay. I also noticed that he quickly put an end to the conversation. (I suspect he was angry, but his anger was due to the fact that you overheard that phone call.)

His response would certainly be consistent with a WH who is hiding another false recovery.

I suspect he said "I am okay" twice because he was trying to reassure himself that he wouldn't have to face any consequences. He could tell that you still believed he was innocent and OW was the aggressor.

JessicaClaire and ArmyMama:

Thanks. I was wondering the same thing myself. Of course my self-preserving mind always goes to doubting him after having one false recovery!

As far as monitoring, I have near-constant access to Taffy's phone, messaging and work and personal emails accounts. Certainly this doesn't mean he could not have made contact. But he would have to have gotten a hidden affair phone, or used a pay phone, or called from somewhere else. This is highly unlikely, as he is rarely out of my sight, and we live in a remote area with no nearby neighbours or pay phones. Or set up a hidden email account or FB page. All possible, but not likely.

Jessica, at first I thought it was suspicious how quickly he closed the subject of the call. However, he is using the memory management system of immediately attaching his thoughts to something positive as soon as he is triggered. He now says he only said he was okay -twice- in response to my question. (True.) And that he DID ask me how I was feeling. (Possibly, but I don't recall this...)

It seems to me he was shocked to get the call. Went bright red. Didn't try to blow it off, or lie about it, though. I think he panicked a bit. He has always said the Dolly won't be calling him, since she is stubborn that way. So he could have been genuinely surprised/shocked. And scrambling to deal with it, using the memory management techniques.

For me, what will be the proof of the pudding is how/if he amends his NC plan to plug the leaks. Tonight's NC plan review night.

Also, he is reading my thread (which I encouraged, to get his participation here) so this should be a strong enough hint!

I sure hope that is the case. You've been through so much already. I shudder to think about it starting all over again.

Me, too, Jessica. Me, too....
BTW, Taffy also says he "never wants to go through anything like that ever again" as well.

As recently as last week, you wrote "I still need to be checking for NC, which I have slackened off slightly. I will get back at it" and "I will check more deeply for contact." My concern is that contact had been re-established but you were unaware until you overheard that Happy New Year phone call. Part of the reason I suspect that is because you said that his face turned bright red. If he truly hadn't heard from her in months, his first response would probably have been suprise/anger, not embarrassment.

Geez, I wish there was something you could do with those photos! Unfortunately, I can't think of anything that is legal...

Does he still post? I think he should at least once a day. Might want to add that to your EPs. Ever thought of emailing and being on the radio show together from what I hear daily Dr. H has a keen sense about these things. It's free

Considering that Taffy created this situation, it is more than a little disingenuous of him to complain that he "never wants to go through anything like that ever again." Taffy is no victim. Why is he still focused on how he feels and what he wants?

Thanks, Tranquil

Have emailed the show before. Amazing how Dr. Harley can cut to the heart of things! Will send a new one now. We are counseling with SH, though our next appointment isn't scheduled until next week.

Taffy isn't presently posting. Says he doesn't feel the need; wouldn't know what to say. I will re-open the discussion with him, though. He is reading this thread, and we discuss it.

About Taffy's EP list, the one that we have was written entirely by Taffy, under Steve's instruction. No input from me. SH instructed me that Taffy has to be the one to "drive the recovery bus." That I needed to take my hands off the wheel. i will discuss this with SH next session. I do like the idea of daily forum posting being an EP for Taffy.

Also, says he thinks I am sometimes triggered by reading and posting here. Maybe true, but not gonna give it up.

I try to listen to MB radio regularly (haven't been able to get it to open lately, for some reason.) Taffy sometimes jokingly calls it my "propaganda program." I am not quite ready for joking about this yet, though...

About to send following exposure letter to the Dolly's boss and head of HR, cc'd to the head of HR for Taffy's company (who knows of the situation.) Any improvements before I push "send"?



This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

From October 2011 to August 29, 2012, The Dolly, of (your company) and Taffy (of your company's client) were involved in an extramarital affair that took place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. The Dolly and Taffy used company time and company resources to further their affair.

Taffy decided to end it in order to reconcile with me. To this end, he pursued a new position at (his company) which allowed us to move from Toronto to Washington state. In August, he sent the Dolly a letter informing her of the end of their affair, and requesting her never to contact him again.

Since that time, the dolly has contacted him at least three times for which we have documentation, again utilizing your company's resources. The most recent was January 4, 2013, when she called him from your offices. This must stop. We do not wish to use legal avenues but will do so if necessary.

I have documented evidence, should you require it. If you have any questions, please contact me. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,