I love your response to your child's text sharing.

Love it.

Yes horrid. I don't know whether the texts were to foster a relationship with PEGI or to twist the knife knowing DS7 would be excited about his birhtday cake and tell me.

Visit is in 3weeks (5mths since last visit) so no pampering yet.

Hopefully, it will depend on the settlement structure - few complexities, I'll detail later ... just in case Isildur happens to find my thread.

I hope everything is going well for you and the kids.

Thanks Reading I didn't want to dampen his excitement about his birthday visit.

I only ever refer to Isildur when discussing their visits. I never refer to PEGI except when the kids are upset about her badmouthing me, her lies or manipulation. I'm honest about her behaviour (bad choices, dishonest)but I never share my opinions about her. I figure she will show her true colours and they will form their own opinions without me influencing them. Sad the life lessons our children learn through a wayward parent's adultery.

I haven't has internet access, discovered it was the router and had to get a new one.

The kids spent the weekend with Isildur & PEGI to celebrate the boys birthday. DS7 said he had a good weekend but missed me. There wasn't much to do (no toys, books etc there). Was sad the few clothes he had there (some no returned from early visits some purchased by Isildur) were missing.

PEGI sent the remaining birthdy cake home so DS7 could take it to school to share with his friends. She also sent the candles home ... DS7 said she had done something nice for me

Isildur and PEGI told DS7 I should not spend the money THEY send me on bills I should spend it on clothes for DS7 so he doesn't have to wear jeans with worn knees. DS7 wore them to school as Isildur picked him up frm school ... he wore those as Isildur and PEGI have in the past kept clothes.

He has falsely accused me in the past of discussing matters with our kids, yet he continues to do this. Did Isildur stop to think maybe if he contibuted to our joint property expenses his son wouldn't need to wear jeans with worn knees.

Dad cut his hair short even though DS7 had a haircut 2 weeks ago. Isildur did this at PEGI's suggestion when DS7 had overnight visits in the past. Is this his attempt at control through DS7? He has seen DS7 3 times in one year, the last day visit was in mid January.

Isildur last week contacted DS7's school asking for a copy of his school report ... I hadn't even received on yet. WTH he hasn't been in contact with the school since he left.

Bleh, what awful things! The nerve! I keep remembering what PEGI means and it seems to fit do well. You've been through so much, happy, you're strength is amazing! I hope you threw all the cake and candles and stuff away...

It's clear Isildur is trying to get to you still through DS...must not be much of a life he's living I'm sure the contrast between his child free home and your joyfilled home is huge.

Did you do anything to plan A yourself while the kids were away?

Good to hear from you Jen, hope all is well with you and your kids.

Yes PEGI has certainly lived up to her name! The candles discreetly disappeared, they will soon find their way into the rubbish Got to give her an A for determination, she still keeps trying to stamp her mark and find ways to get under my skin.... shame my lack of response causes her the most grief When Isidlur rang DS8 (weekly Mon night call) he asked who ate the cake? Did they honestly think I was going to eat her cake?

IC said the same thing about Isildur and the children. I'm sure their abode lacks the warmth and happiness of our family home. Funny thing DS8 commented that dad toasted sandwiches. PEGI made dad a sandwich, he realised after adding it to his cheese & salami that it had peanut butter on it. He scrapped the peanut butter off and told DS8 not to tell PEGI as she'd get mad. AO over little things like peanut butter

I kept busy given it was the first overnight visit in almost a year and renewed contact with PEGI. I was worried she would pick up where she left off ... lying to and manipulating my children.

A friend invited me to a local production of Mousetrap. I had a fun night. I spent the rest of the weekend reading, watching movies and treated myself to some chocolate and a couple of glasses of wine. The big luxury I slept in on Sunday morning!

From now on, stop by a thrift store before Izzy and Tizzy get visitation and pick up something off the dollar rack for them to wear for that weekend. That way, the good clothes you buy stay with you and Izzy and Tizzy can freak out for whatever reason they're going to freak!

Our neighborhood is doing a clothes swap where we can pull all the clothes we don't use out of the kids' closets (and our own) and let people trade or pick up what they need at the church on swap day - no cost. You might want to organize something for your own neighborhood and see what good comes out of it. They're a bit of work but the rewards are fantastic!

KaylaAndy, good idea about the clothes swap, would certainly be worth trying to organise one.... a good community event.

Although it's been 12mths since the last overnight visit, I usually keep a set of cheap clothes for DS8's visit. I advised Isildur through IM that he was to provide all clothes during visit as DS's clothes were rarely returned.

The visit was brought forward the night before pick up so I wasn't prepared (planned to wash & have ready the next day) hence the old knee worn jeans. The wayward mind is certainly foggy, if he thought about it, during M when finances weren't as tight as they are now, the children would never wear ripped jeans. He can't allow himself to think this though it would make the denigration and denial harder.

Just thought I'd mention that I have an acquaintance that has teenage two sons living with his ex-wife. He owes her back child support. Lots of it. Granted he's broke barely scrapping by. But, he's constantly complaining that his support order is too much, that his wife works under the table, that the friend of the court is a rip-off but his number one complaint is about the boy's attendance and grades. He wasn't a wayward (his ex was and she IS working the system) so I have sympathy and think agree the kids would have been better off with him all these years, but it's a familiar enough argument to me that I can guess what your WH (and most likely PEGI) is after...Excuses, reassurance, rationalizations and justifications.


If the kids grades and behavior marks remain high he can assuage his guilt because HIS kids are apparently adjusting and doing just fine. Thus, consequences avoided and THEY can continue guilt free and just bitching about child support.

On the other hand...ANY bad marks and he can blame YOU. Tell others how ridiculous the amount of support he has to pay is and how no one is holding YOU accountable for the kids grades and behavior marks. All the courts care about is money, money and money and nobody examines what ex-wifey does with MY cash and why the kids were tardy 3,5, 10 times last school year.

If one or more of the kids every really struggles or tanks it behaviorally or with grades...that's stbxh (and PEGI) hitting the jackpot. They can tell people how YOU ruined the kids and how he/they asked for custody (implying that he fought for it even though he never formally asked for it) and that the kids NEVER would have had those issues had HE had the chance to raise them properly under HIS roof. They can also ACT like they are weighing their options and speaking to attorneys about going after full custody themselves. They won't likely EVER really petition for it because why spend the money on a losing proposition but the transcripts MAY give them an opportunity to spin the whole thing against you.

In essence, his request for those transcripts has ZERO connection to his caring at all about the kids transcripts but, rather, as typical, it's about HIM.


Of course...PEGI is initiating this. She sees your STBXH feeling bad about himself and feeling at little guilty from time to time. He may even be having second thoughts about them from time to time and she needs ammunition to pump him up and make him feel like a great guy and merely a victim of circumstance. The transcripts help her no matter what they indicate.


I think you get the idea.

Godspeed,
Mr. Wondering


EDIT TO ADD: PEGI is also likely looking for reasons to get WH to divorce you and marry her. If any marks are bad...she can say they have a better shot at trying for custody themselves if THEY are married and able to demonstrate they have a better home for raising kids in (nicer home...better schools...etc). Reality isn't a part of this discussion. It's just wayward fantasy talk. It will NEVER actually happen because her goal isn't to win/get custody of your kids but rather to get convince WH there's a chance to get him away from you and married to her. She wants to sell him on the "picket fence we can put the family genie back in the bottle and WE can get a do over TOGETHER maybe even WITH YOUR KIDS if you just follow my lead" fantasy.

Mr Wondering thanks for your comments, you've offered a perspective I didn't think of that certainly makes sense.

Given his lack of contact I doubted his sudden interest was based on concern. I was concerned he may be looking for ammunition to use against me, although I doubted he would pursue custody (unlikely to win) and PEGI wouldn't want this.

Given his behaviour and extreme denial, I'm sure you are right that he will use DS8's progress to assuage his guilt.

If the children's education or behaviour was poor, it makes sense he would use this to his wayward advantage.

Your also on the mark about remarrying - PEGI has a to do list on the fridge "marry Isildur in Jan 2014" Nothing like dangling the carrot and manipulating to achieve your goals.

You have certainly provided clarity, I appreciate your insight. I will continue providing our children with love, stability and support and try not to worry about his actions.

After a long battle (over 12mths) we finally settled our relationship property at a round table meeting. This means we do not have to go to court next month for spousal maintenance nor a future hearing for relationship property.

I retain all assets and Isildur retains his superannuation ($120k) I have agreed to waive spousal maintenance after 5.9.13.

I have mixed feelings, relieved we've reached a settlement, happy I have managed to protect our family's financial security and preserve our children's inheritance but there is a feeling of sadness ... it's not the path I chose.

Isildur's lawyer stated he had to apply for a release of some of his super to pay his legals, court awarded costs and some of the relationship property debt. Maybe he should have paid these rather than give PEGI $17+k a few months ago. Hopefully this and PEGI's disappointment ....she won't be harvesting our equity, will cause some grief for waywardville.

Isildur enquired about DS19 at the meeting and commented how he transferred from the IB programme to the normal standard qualification even though was enrolled in the private school for the IB. I stated he transferred due to circumstances. My lawyer later commented on how Isildur didn't like my statement and it appeared aas though he was being hit with a baseball bat ...waywards don't like facing the pain and devastation they cause.

Off to spend time with my kids and relax, maybe get an early night.

Well it took me 3 weeks to make peace with my victory, even though I knew it was the best result for my family.

At the meeting we signed a Heads of Agreement, which is legally binding pending the signing of the formal agreement. Sadly Isildur has attempted to change the terms, which means more legal fees to finalise this. I can't understand his lawyer, her professionalism is slipping.

At first it was painful as his attempts to vary the agreement, could risk our family's financial security. Isildur continues to play the victim as the wording casts dispersions on my character.

I will not sign the document in it's current form. I have maintained my integrity throughout the A and associated legal matters. I will not sign a document family or anyone else for that matter can view unless it's reflects the truth.

His lawyer also wanted to include that our marriage had broken down irretrievably and that I would not object to an application for dissolution (can be filed 28.11.13. I refused, MB principles disprove the irretrievably broken down theory and I did not want the document implying I had been "bought" by retaining assets I was legally entitled to.

Seem he can't let go and the wayward drama continues.

On a positive my lawyer met with his, they have agreed to amend the draft to reflect the HOA. The only sticking point is Isildur continues to incorrectly state the value of his supernnuation. My lawyer advised it was best to finalise the settlement and not pursue the correct amount as it doesn't change the settlement. He is correct of course but on principle I would prefer accuracy and honesty.

We had some things in storage for our future return to our hometown (relocated for Isildur's work 6mths pre DD) I received delivery of all items. Isildur wanted me to deliver his property to a neutral venue. My lawyer advised they would be left at front door for his collection.

DS8 has been unsettled since his visit 5 weeks ago. The visit was the first overnight in 12mths and the 3rd visitation with Isildur in 12mths. DD17 and DS20 were also there although only DS20 stayed overnight for DS8's benefit.

Sadly since the visit DS8 has been unsettled and I am worried about him. I plan to take him back to Skylight (help families with grief, loss and change).

DS8 is scared to be alone in any room of our home, he won't even go to the bathroom by himself at night, I have to wait in the hallway. He has been waking at night and calling for me sometimes in his sleep.

He recently was in ED and when I left the room to call DS20 he told DD17 he was worried something had happened to me. A week ago he was upstairs and I went down stairs to do something I met him on the stairs, he was worried someone had taken me. Being in hospital was also a trigger for him as it reminded him of mum's time in ICU last August.

I met with his teacher yesterday, he is doing well, but she is concerned he told her he was sad and he didn't know why. He has also been having stomach pains at school.

I spoke with a counsellor and they felt DS8 had observed (based on DS8's comments)that PEGI held the balance of power in the relationship and that Isildur had not and would not stand up for him. With the anniversary of mum's death at the end of the month DS8 is worried something may happen to me and could possibly fear be left with Isildur and PEGI.

Breaks my heart, DS8 is such a happy wonderful loving boy. He has never been exposed to someone like PEGI, he has always been surrounded by warm people. He had a happy safe home environment. These are the formative years and I worry how this will impact him later in life.

Cont ...

During the last visit Isildur cut DS8 hair very short with electric clippers depsite the fact that he'd had a haircut 2 weeks prior ... control. DS8 told me he was not allowed to be sad, the clippers caught his hair and hurt, he had tears in his eyes and PEGI told him "there is no whinging in this house"

When DS8 was having regular visitation PEGI frequently saaid DS8 needed a haircut and they would take him depsit DS8 stting he wanted to go to his hairdresser.

DD17 told me the reason PEGI bought the singing candle for the cake was that she didn't want them to sing happy birthday in the restaurant. Fortunately Isildur still sang. DD17 was devasted Isildur hadn't given her his change of address knocked on the door of the former house to be told he'd moved...nice, so busy keeping his address a secret didn't think how it would effect his DD.

PEGI believes DS8 should be tougher like her niece and nephew. She has 4 cats and is a parenting expert and lacks any maternal instinct according to my eldest children.

During the birthday visit Isildur and PEGI spent the evening on his ipad rather than with the kids.

The most disturbing - whilst we were gardening DS8 told me he thought he saw Isildur standing in the distance, that PEGI had kicked him out aand he didn't know if he could come home. I told him I thought it was someone out running and resting. He said no mum it fits, when I was at dad's PEGI told him she'd kick him out and dad said thats mean. I told DS8 they were probably joking, he replied thats a mean joke.

The worst part is I can't prevent access to OW. I'm still going to try regardlesss and am documenting and building a case to try and fight our laws. At the moment I'll prepare and leave sleeping dogs lie peacefully. Visitation appears to have resumed to random contact, whilst there is no request from Isildur I don't want to place DS8 in the position regular contacts b/c of any custody case. At the least I want him to heal before that

Hugs to you.
Hugs to your children.

This very tough stuff and continued waywardness devastates the whole family.

Provide the most loving and supportive home life you can and continue to give your youngest the extra support while he deals with this cr*p of being exposed the the nightmare. He is handling the stress as many an 8 year old would (wanting to be with mom).

You are doing good considering!

Take careful notes of how often Isildur sees him. If you want to challenge custody that's the way to do it. Careful notes that show just how often he's seen can help your favor.

EDIT: I see you're already doing it. Whoops!

That happy is on top of it, isn't she?

Thanks Reading for your kind words and support.

It's heartbreaking but it makes me so angry the damage is due to something so selfish as an A and Isildur can't/won't see the damage his continued behaviour inflicts... I know he can't then he would have to face his decisions and the devastation.

Your correct and I will continue to provide a loving supportive homelife. DS8's teacher, my lawyer and IC (contacted her re DS8) all stated they believed it would make a difference having one parent providing this, I hopethis is enough to balance the damage ... "you know formative years & waywardness rewriting DS8's slate"

Thanks Karma, fortunately I've been documenting from the beginning, even though when I first began I NEVER thought he would become so emotionally detached from his children nor did I consider his children's interests would no longer be a priority.

I appreciate the advice though and welcome any suggestions, it's not going to be easy preventing contact with PEGI it will be a "test case".