You seem to be doing everything possible to spare your wife from the consequences of her actions. Why?

Why are you acting like a martyr instead of protecting your kids? If she won't leave, then pack up yourself and your kids and get out of that crazy house.

You should not move out, if you were thinking that.
Men Don't Leave your Home

She should move out so the kids don't have to be uprooted. If she refuses, then I think he should leave and take the kids with him.

Have you read the thread of men not leaving their home?

It's not good/recommend for men to leave when they aren't the one's having the affair.

He needs to follow the MB plans. Dr. Harley says men can Plan A 6 months to 2 years, women are different 3 weeks of Plan A.

Jessica please help this poster with MB plans.

He needs to work on more of an exposure on OM's side and Plan A and STAY in his home.

There is No chance of that happening. When I was young MY parents had their issues with marriage. My dad should have called it quits many times. But he didn't. He always had the attitude. He's married. He has a love and responsibility to his family.There are good times and bad. Thats the way I was raised, not to give up. When he passed away. I know for fact that my mom lost her best friend. They were eachothers best friends. They were always there for me and I'm always going to be there for my family

But sitting back and allowing her to have her affair in your home is NOT helping your marriage it's called enabling.

You need to do EVERYTHING in your power to not allow her affair under your roof.

You are correct to not move out.

So you are repeating what you grew up with, and your kids will likely do the same...

I don't think Dr. Harley says marriages should be saved at all costs, especially when there is continuous emotional abuse, as there clearly is in this situation.

Brain: I was under the impression that exposure already occurred, and Plan A has gone on for so long that the WW is interpreting it as a green light to continue behavior which is harming not just her husband, but her own kids as well. However, I don't want to create a problem if I've misunderstood something. So I won't make any more comments on this.

Last night I was talking to her again. I told her that I still love her. She answered with I KNOW. I told her that I wish she would break contact with OM. Then I asked if she would go to counceling with me. I've asked many times. The answer was always NO. This time I got I DON'T KNOW. I don't know if that's good or bad.

Yes he has done exposure, but how deep on OM's side can still be pursued.

Yes you're correct that he should not allow her to have her affair under his roof, but moving out is not good advice. If anyone leaves it should be her.

He needs to do more to kill the affair. He needs to walk around and repeatedly tell her that she will not conduct her affair in his house around their children.

He needs to stand up loud and proud and fight the affair in front of his children.

This is where you keep making the same mistake.

You DEMAND her to end her affair or you will divorce her and have it brought up in the proceedings. You will do EVERYTHING in your power to not allow POSOM to not be around your children and you will fight for FULL custody.

Tell her you will not allow this sickness around your children. Stand up and fight.

Brain: But what should he do if she continues refusing to leave? Are you suggesting he should continue subjecting his kids to this? I thought that safety concerns--whether physical or emotional--were valid reasons to stop Plan A and move into Plan B. What am I misunderstanding?

You're correct that he needs to not allow this under his roof. He hasn't done enough to kill the affair. He needs to stand up and DEMAND his WW to stop her affair.

He needs to do this so the children know he is fighting for his M by demanding she end her affair. He is "asking" her to stop talking as she is allowed to conduct her affair.

He doesn't have to AO, but STRONGLY demand her to end it. If he does this the kids will know he is fighting the affair and not allowing her abuse. Right now the kids are seeing their father lay down and take it.

Carrot and Stick of Plan A. He isn't doing any stick. Him moving out isn't good. He should not move out, but if Plan B is warranted she will go.

No problem.

Thanks for your help and please continue to tell OP to fight this affair.

I don't know enough about it yet. But I did talk with a lawyer. I live in NY. It's a NO FAULT state. I was told It doesn't matter what was the cause of the failure of the marriage is. As far as no contact of my kids with OM. I've been told unless he has a history of abuse. I can't stop him from being around my kids. I do konw that if we divorce. The girls would come with me. The're old enough to make thier own decisions. The little guy would be the fight and I would feel terrible putting him through that. Him going from living with his entire family to being seperated from his dad and sisters. He has a learning disability and wouldn't understand what's going on. My wife is also one of those people that when you demand. She just shuts down and pulls away. That's why I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If you're wondering why you're in the same place as last June. Did you see this?

Can you explain why you continue to not do anything?

Brian, Thanks for all the good advise. I need to start standing up for myself. Stop being a doormat. I've been dealing with a deep depression and trust issues. Since I found out that some of my so called friends think the way they do. That hasn't helped. With all that I know now about some of the people in my life. all i've done is stop talking to anyone and feeling sorry for myself. When my so called friends say to me. We're here for you. I just look at them and tell them I'm not having this conversation with you and I won't give them a reason why. I can't tell them what I've been doing to get the information that I have. My wife has her suspicions that I've been recording but I deny it. I became desperate and didn't know what else to do. She wasn't talking to me.

I'm sorry you reside, as I do, in New York, which means you'll get no benefit from a general "cultural" bias against adultery, and certainly no legal assistance.

I would still recommend a nuclear exposure, but with a modified aim. In your letter to all of her contacts, instead of concentrating on "I hope you will assist me in convincing WW back to our marriage,", your statement should be more in line with, "I have very little hope of restoring our marriage, but wanted to inform you of the precise cause for its destruction." Emphasize that this her second go at betrayal.

Thereafter, I can sense no value of a Plan A, given her basic "[censored] you" mentality, and her disregard of the welfare of her children. You should go straight to Plan B.

You do understand that your next move will be to act against all the elements of her life that facilitated her affair, right? That will mean removing YOUR money, to private accounts, cancelling all joint credit cards, and pulling the plates to any vehicles she drives that are in your name. I would take care of the financial arrangements before pulling the pin on the "exposure grenade".

Totally agree with NG. You need to get to plan b and soon. You have enabled her and the affair for too long. Time for her to face some consequences.

The problem Is I've already told her to leave. She told me that she's not moving out and legally I can't make her. And I'm not leaving my kids. So I'm screwed.

Have you removed all financials that you pay for?

Who pays for her car? Insurance?