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Her skepticism will be replaced by the new pattern (the new dance) you and her implement. Your ability to hear her complaints, repeat them which gives them validation, look for alternative behaviors and thanking her will be the new dance.

You do that consistently and she�ll soon forget the old dance. Once that sinks in for her I think you�ll see some pretty dramatic changes. So stay focused. Keep teaching yourself the new you.

One other thing � if you realize later on you committed an LB but it was never brought to light apologize for it. That will be another behavior you will implement. The ability to be perceptive of your actions and to come clean. No more sweeping poor behavior under the rug. It will also teach her to be more open and honest with you because any defensiveness you may have exhibited in the past is long gone. She feel more comfortable and confident in opening up to you. Just be sure you teach her the way you�d like to receive complaints. Keeping that communication respectful and helpful void of LBs.


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Had a few good days with the W! I made dinner a few nights, something she had asked me to help out with occasionally. When my wife and I got married, we shared cooking duties until my son was born and she quit working outside of the home. Then she took over the cooking and grocery shopping. She would occasionally ask me to cook, and I would complain. I would make excuses about how she didnt buy the right stuff, or I don't know what is in the house, etc. I seem to have found a new way of helping her while enjoying it simultaneously. I find ways to make things with what we have in the house, or make a note to pick up missing ingredients for the next day.

We got plenty of UA in over the past few days, and even some SF that she initiated.

Yesterday I found myself starting to commit a few LBs, and was able to stop myself before we had any issues. I found that they were triggered by her goofing around, and me misinterpreting it as condescending. I also noticed that when she goofs around with me, that I do the same with her, but take it too far, or I am mean about it.

I was able to tell her that something she said bothered me, and why it bothered me, rather than just making a snide comment in return. It seemed to be pretty effective, so I will need to remember this strategy


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It sounds like you are making some strides. Good job. Keep it going.


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Originally Posted by MrAlias
It sounds like you are making some strides. Good job. Keep it going.


Thanks for the support. I an finding it easier to identify the scenarios where I am weak. This alone seems to be helping, since I can restrain myself from causing damage if I realize I am doing it or about to.


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So the wife and I had a bit of a roller coaster weekend. For some reason when I got home from work on Friday she did not want to put her smartphone down. This is one of her LBs that she continually tells me about. Recently I have been more aware of my time spent on the phone/computer when I am home, and focusing more on what the kids are doing or talking to her. I mentioned that I did not like her spending so much time on her phone, and she responded with something like "well you always do." I replied that I have not been on my phone as much lately, and I would like to spend time with you. She didn't really seem to care, but eventually she put it away and we had a nice evening after that.

Saturday she had an AO when we got home from shopping. There was a strange dog in our yard when we pulled up, and I shooed it away. I started to put the groceries away, and my son wanted to help. She told me to give him a light bag, which I did. Our dog started barking again, and she made another comment about making sure the dog was gone. I said something about getting the paintball gun so we didnt lose anymore chickens. Next thing I know she is yelling at me why my son can't have a bag. I got somewhat upset, and told her that I gave my son a bag. She apologized to me, and I tried to tell her I wished she would not yell at me, and she blew up. How dare I keep going on and on, she apologized, this should be good enough, etc. After an hour or so she cooled off, but she refuses to acknowledge that her anger is excessive.

Sunday started good, went to breakfast and exchanged some boots we bought for the kid. We got home, and I had to go to the bathroom. I grabbed the coffee cups from the truck and went in the house. She got upset that I didnt tell her I was going to the bathroom, and that I didnt help bring stuff in the house. I apologized, said I forgot the boots and stuff, but I was going to go back and grab them. She exploded, she isn't talking to me, thinks we should be roomates instead of married because I am iconsiderate, etc. She barricaded herself in our room all day, and didnt come out until dinnertime. Spent the rest of the evening being ok, but nitpicking everything I didn't do, didnt want to sit by me, really not that pleasant.

She doesn't really want to formally follow the MB program, so I have been trying to follow it myself in the hopes that she will be happier with me. But this does not seem to be working. I need to adjust my plan


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Originally Posted by drop
I mentioned that I did not like her spending so much time on her phone

Some friendly advice as you are here I can only coach you.

I know complaints are supposed to be a good thing but try not to use them until radical honesty isn't an offensive thing in your M. Actually try not to use them if at all possible ever. Try not to tell her what you don�t like rather try to communicate what you would like.

�I would love it if we could spend some quality undivided attention time together tonight. What do you say?�.

If she doesn�t put down the phone while you are spending that UA time then you can try another positive.

�I love it when we�re spending alone time together and we aren�t distracted by other things.�

It might sound sappy or foreign to you but it truly is the optimal way to behave. I know firsthand that it works.

Originally Posted by drop
Next thing I know she is yelling at me why my son can't have a bag. I got somewhat upset, and told her that I gave my son a bag. She apologized to me, and I tried to tell her I wished she would not yell at me, and she blew up. How dare I keep going on and on, she apologized, this should be good enough, etc.

This would have been a GREAT opportunity to simply thank her for apologizing. You don�t need to harp to her on the negatives. Compliment her, acknowledge what she did well.

She apologized. I think that�s great.

Later on (way down the road) when open and honest communication is the norm in the M without a lot of defensiveness complaints are easier and taken with more concern for the one complaining.

Originally Posted by drop
She doesn't really want to formally follow the MB program, so I have been trying to follow it myself in the hopes that she will be happier with me. But this does not seem to be working. I need to adjust my plan.

This is why I�m telling you what you could improve on.


Drop, because you are doing MB alone I think you�re going to need to Plan A your butt off before you�ll be at a point where you can �correct� her behavior. The program works a lot better especially early on if you have someone else to correct it for her. There�s no chance she�ll get on board with MB?


She won�t join you because she doesn�t see the benefit in it. I will give you the same advice I received for years here. Call and set up an appt for yourself with one of the counselors here. They have more experience helping a spouse get a reluctant partner to join them in the MB program.

If are still unsuccessful they�ll be the source you�ll need to guide you through your Plan A and possible Plan B.


Me: 57 Her: 54
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Originally Posted by MrAlias
I know complaints are supposed to be a good thing but try not to use them until radical honesty isn't an offensive thing in your M. Actually try not to use them if at all possible ever. Try not to tell her what you don�t like rather try to communicate what you would like.

I can be passive agressive, so I have been trying to stop that behavior by being direct. I have been more complimenting about what she does right (which is a lot).

Originally Posted by MrAlias
Drop, because you are doing MB alone I think you�re going to need to Plan A your butt off before you�ll be at a point where you can �correct� her behavior. The program works a lot better especially early on if you have someone else to correct it for her. There�s no chance she�ll get on board with MB?


She won�t join you because she doesn�t see the benefit in it. I will give you the same advice I received for years here. Call and set up an appt for yourself with one of the counselors here. They have more experience helping a spouse get a reluctant partner to join them in the MB program.

I do not have the funds available for coaching or counseling right now. When we have a fight about something, she wants to give up, nothing is going to work, we are terrible for each other, etc. She refuses to work on anything. Once I start up the Plan A activities, she generally turns around pretty quick, but one of us will LB or neglect a EN and we get back to square 1. Maybe I should try to sell the MB program when we are doing OK?


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Originally Posted by 1995droptopz
I do not have the funds available for coaching or counseling right now.
To borrow a quote from others: A divorce is a lot more expensive than the counseling. But I�ve been there and understand. We decided we�d find the funds � and have. Just know the longer you wait the longer you could be delaying the path to happiness or the quicker you could find yourself in withdrawal or something worse will happen like an EA/PA.

Originally Posted by 1995droptopz
Maybe I should try to sell the MB program when we are doing OK?

What do you mean by doing OK? It sounds like you're saying once you�re kind of fixed you'll look into doing it.

If you can�t afford it that�s one thing but if you�re M is broken the best time to sell a solution is now. See comment from about where this could go.


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This is my second marriage, so I am aware of how much a divorce costs as well as how much I want to avoid one.

To clarify what I mean by doing ok: My wife is a very passionate woman. She is also very black/white. So when we get into an argument, or I commit a LB, she is done, our marriage cant be saved, we are terrible for each other, I am calling a divorce attorney tomorrow.

After a few hours/days/week of me working on our relationship, she will decide to be nice again, and we will get along fairly well. This is what I refer to as us doing OK. We are affectionate to each other and get along fairly well. But we are always some stupid comment/fight/disagreement away from a blowout.



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I have just read your thread for the first time and only read the last page.

But "Spends too much time on phone" and
"super snippy about everything" in my mind =

POSSIBLE EMOTIONAL AFFAIR.

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Originally Posted by wannabophim
I have just read your thread for the first time and only read the last page.

But "Spends too much time on phone" and
"super snippy about everything" in my mind =

POSSIBLE EMOTIONAL AFFAIR.


While anything is possible, I doubt this highly. We do no hide anything from each other. We have full access to each other's phones, computers, passwords, etc. She never erases any history or call logs, etc.

My previous marriage ended because she was engaging in EA/PA activities with several people. I was using keyloggers before they were cool. There were so many suspicious factors here compared to my current situation.

Phone time usually consists of games or facebook.


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I think there was some good forward progress last night. One of the issues we have is my wife's need for control. Of everything. As I have mentioned previously, she was kicked out of her house at 18 and forced to make it on her own, and has been very independent as a result. This was one of the traits that initally attracted me to her, since I knew she wasn't looking for somebody to just take care of her in life.

Anyway, I have a DD8 with my XWW, and her mother is an evil woman. There are so many issues, but basically she thinks I should surrender my parental rights, pay her as much child support as possible, and let her do as she pleases with HER daughter. This causes a lot of conflict, because my wife hates how this affects my daughter, and us as a family for that matter.

Last night we found out that my XWW is moving her boyfriend and his 3 children into her house. She also said some pretty mean things about us to my DD. My wife was pretty upset, but she told me that she is working on coping with this stress better. Instead of letting it eat her up, she is relaxing and telling herself that she cannot control the situation.

She also told me that she needs to find an activity so she can get out of the house and have some time to clear her head. I am so excited since I have been trying to tell her this for 3 years now!


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Sorry to hear about your sich with the DD and XWW. I hope you and your W are working together to make the best of the situation.

It's nice to hear you're seeing some of your dynamic change. These things will trickle in. If you stick with it you'll find in a year or so looking back how far you've come. Soak in the good times and communicate your happiness.


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We generally work together pretty well. My W is my DDs buddy, and my DD shares everything with her. There are a lot of things that she won't say in front of me, but will ask my W to go have a private conversation. My wife claims her as her own, and treats her the same as she treats our DS. I wouldn't have considered marriage again if that relationship wasn't there.

We have conflict when she thinks I don't care because I didn't get upset when a situation arises. I try to tell her that I cannot afford to get worked up about every little thing she does. She sees a AO as a sign that I care. I see an AO as a LB. I think she is starting to realize this.

She also wants to confront every problem head-on with an argument with the XWW. I know that she cannot be reasoned with, so I tend to accumulate information and create a calculated approach to solving the problem. Lose the battle, win the war sort of thing.


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So you're a blended family? Have you listened to any of the radio clips with Dr. Harley on blended families? Read any of the articles?


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
So you're a blended family? Have you listened to any of the radio clips with Dr. Harley on blended families? Read any of the articles?


I have read the articles pertaining to blended families. I do not have access to the radio archives (I dont think),so I have not heard any of these.

At any rate, the articles I read pertained to the inconsistency of discipline between children. I have DD8, and toghether we have DS2. She had no children prior to our relationship. She is tougher on my daughter than I am, but I think it has to do with how we were raised. I can't compare how she disciplines our son to her, since they are at two different levels in development.

I do not undermine my wife at all when she is disciplining the kids, and if I have an issue with it, I address her in private.

The bigger issue we have is in dealing with my XWW, as she is the major source of contention.


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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks for the links. I listened to both clips, but I don't know if that advice applies that well.

Last night I came home from work late, after a stressful 2 hour ride home, and my wife was in a really good mood, happy, loving, etc. We hung out for a bit, then she talked to her mom and sister who live on the other side of the country. Well her sister is pregnant, so they basically said they aren't going to come visit us in the spring as planned. This ticked the wife off, since there were supposed to come last year and keep making excuses. They expect us to fly our family of four once a year and never reciprocate.

My wife let them have it, and got off of the phone extremely upset. Needless to say, the rest of the night was no longer fun, as she projects her anger around her, instead of remaining focused on the source. However, I did my best at comforting her and letting her vent, listening, and focusing on her needs.


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Ironically my last post deals with a similar situation to the subject of this one...yikes!

My wife has a terrible problem with dealing with stress. Whether it is school, our relationship, my ex wife, our kids, her family, my family, whatever, she gets extremely passionate, but almost to the point of ruining her. My last post dealt with her getting mad at her mom for not flying out to see her when she agreed to. She was stressed and sick for like 2 days over it (although she did tell me that I was amazingly supportive during her breakdown).

Today, my ex wife sent an email asking if I would share a luncheon with her for my daughter's communion. Mind you, this is a terrible idea, will never happen because just my presense in the same room as my ex will make my daughter very uncomfortable.

My wife reacted terribly, like this is the worst thing, we are gonna end up in court, I hate dealing with this, etc. She will be upset the whole night now, our UA time will be filled with talk of this, and probably no SF again.

I have tried being honest with her, that I do not like how she gets stressed out. BUt this really bothers her, because of how my daughters mom treats her, then confides in my wife about it. I offer to take care of it, but my lack of an angry reaction is interpreted as a lack of caring. How do I get her to relax? She said she wants to find an activity to do alone, but hasnt yet.


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I need to get my wife on board with MB. Last night she had class, and was home with my son. He is a handful, but I made dinner, finished a load of laundry she asked me to do for her, and cleaned up the kitchen. When she got home, she walked in and started yelling at me for leaving "all" the lights on. I had turned on the garage lights so she didnt come home in the dark, and had accidentally left the upstairs light on when I was putting away my son's laundry.

She has told me that she wants me to turn lights off when I leave a room to save money. It was a bad habit I had, and I have been working on it. I am not perfect, but I would say I turn them off about 75% of the time now, but I get distracted easily, and I will see something shiny and forget the light.

I calmly explained that I turned the outside lights on right as I expected her to get home, forgot the other one, and apologized. She lectured me for a good couple minutes, then decided to sit across the room from me. Then I was blamed for ruining the night because I wanted to fight.

I want to give her copies of a few of the questionairres to see if that will get her on board. I would like to see her answers to the LB survey as well as the ENQ. I would like to think I know what I need to work on, but maybe this can shed some light.

Any suggestions on this plan? We get between 15-20 hours of UA per week, so I think adressing ENs and LBs is going to offer the best results.


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