There are two ways of looking at it.
You can divorce. Because she isn't meeting your needs. Personally, I disagree with this and think its wrong.

Second option is to "take up your Cross" and just accept what you have. In the meantime try to keep plan A.

But I wouldn't rely on medication to be happy. In the end YOU can only control YOUR actions. You can choose to do healthy things that make you happy, or you can choose to place yourself in situations that make you unhappy

DW and I had a long discussion.

How do I help my wife to forgive and forget?

We spend time together, we get along, I'm nice to her, no longer love busting. My needs for affection and SF are not being met. I suggested we talk with Hurleys again, and she was mad, "blindsided", "why am I always unhappy"? .., and "I have to fix my own problems, not blame her". I explained that the lack of SF hurts my attitude at work, and at home. Ultimately, she shares that she felt this way after I was layed off 10 years ago, and I keep getting laid off. So even though I earn six figures, and provide (FS) a nice home, cars, kids sports, vacations, food clothes insurance etc.

I have been laid off about every two years, but end up with a better job making more money. But stuff happens, the credit crisis in 2008, 10,000 laid off in 2006, company lost their contract in 2001, and most recently, laid off after 2 yrs in a grueling 80 hr/week tax firm. ( thank god for THAT!) Ultimately she feels I cant hold a job, that its all my fault, and it stresses her out. (Hello? Me too!) Of course this does a job on my self confidence, and I'm trying to find a business to own rather than be employeed by giant fortune 50 companies doing stuff I dont like.

I asked her is our marriage over because I lost a job 10 years ago??? Silence. So no matter what job I have now, or get, or how much I make, you cant love me? That really gave her something to think about...

So later, I told her I got concert tickets for Dave Matthews Band, and she was THRILLED.

Is this fair? How do we get over this? Any hints?

I did "sell" MB and the idea that I care about her so much that I want her to be happy life, and a better marriage, and less stress. She is getting her masters to be a teacher (stability) and I am working on my confidence, depression, and career choices.

Thanks Melody!!!!

I don't blame her for being silent. This question from you was disrespectful. Her feelings may be saying "over" to her, and if you want to restore love to your marriage, you need to be careful not to imply that she is wrong to feel the way she does. Criticizing feelings is a DJ.

This plan doesn't work without eliminating disrespectful judgments.


You will not turn this around by debating with her or making logical points. All you will do is make withdrawals from your account in her love bank.


Learn to recognize and eliminate disrespectful judgments. Ask her if she will read the first five chapters of Love Busters with you and if she will give you weekly worksheets identifying things you do or say that she finds demanding, disrespectful, or angry. You can turn this around, but getting the love busters out of the way is the first step.

She is telling you that when your job situation is constantly threatened, it makes withdrawals from your account in her Love Bank. To fix this, you'll need to address her complaint. You need to:
1) accept the fact that your job situation makes her feel insecure. Accept it with no judgment. Don't debate it with her or tell her that it affects you just as badly or that it's not your fault, or that she shouldn't feel upset over things that happened ten years ago. All of that is judgmental. ACCEPT her feelings.
2) change the situation. Get your employment more secure, somehow. Maybe running your own business will help, but I've heard Dr. Harley suggest that this usually is more stressful on a marriage and you only have a 20% chance of success. Maybe you can find a mentor or some vocational counseling that can help. Maybe you can train for a new industry. You'll need to do something, if you want to address her complaint.

Dr. Harley's answer to the problem is to follow the plan here to get your wife in love with you.

I have been in exactly this situation, and I can tell you that following the plan works.

Wives need two things in order to enthusiastically meet their husband's need for sexual fulfillment:
1) an emotional bond with their husband (they need to be in love)
2) the prospect of enjoyment (the sex needs to be enjoyable)

Without that, sex may inspire negative feelings (they may feel used, for example) and may even eventually cause a sexual aversion.

Your description here veers off quickly into judging your wife for not feeling enthusiastic about sex.

In particular, let me comment on F: Dr. Harley does not ordinarily classify failure to meet an emotional need as a love buster. A love buster is DOING something, not failing to do something.

Here is what Dr. Harley says about sexual problems:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013_qa.html


Notice the part I bolded. Dr. Harley suggests you try fixing your relationship problems, and then see if the sexual problems disappear.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a wife head over heels in love with you with stars in her eyes meeting you in bed? That's something you can achieve, by learning about the ways that you make love bank deposits and withdrawals, and practicing to get really good at the deposits, and learning to avoid the withdrawals.

NYC_Runner, are you a daily radio show listener? I recommend that any man who is not satisfied with his marriage start listening to Marriage Builders radio daily. It can take a long time for some of us dense guys to really start to get this stuff. And Dr. Harley has a lot to say on his radio show about how husbands can turn their marriages around.

The archives of the show are spectacular, as well.

Here's a good clip (the third question) of a husband wanting more sex.

Radio clip on a husband wanting more SF

Tell us what you think.

I'm going to give you copies of two posts I made for MrAlias yesterday:

Can I just vent? I'm just so frustrated. I cant make my boss happy, cant make my wife happy. Trying to change jobs, but that just seems to make everything worse. It will most likely be less money. So she'll definately be unhappy. I really want somebody to talk to, but this just gets my wife upset so I cant talk to her. I've tried to find a counselor, but so far, havent been able to connect with anyone. And that will cost even more money we dont have. I'm in such a jam, and really not enjoying any of it. I think I stopped being disrespectful, but I dont see anything working. I'm so stressed out, and dont see any way to have a decent life.

You never answered any of the several posts that markos made to you.

It seems a bit pointless coming here to vent when people are offering you plans that you can use to change your marriage.

Do you listen to the radio show every day?

Did she ever start having sex with you?

I listen to the show most days. I feel so bad for all those people who have been cheated on, yet I can see how slippery that slope is. Yesterdays program was about sex addiction, and I can relate to that. I also went 'cold turkey' on the porn, etc, but now I'm just alone, broke, AND even more frustrated.

Sorry for not answering Marcos questions, I dont know if I just thought he was being rhetorical/sarcastic or I didnt want to share. Idk, but i'll go back and respond.

We have sex about once or twice a month. For the most part, i feel like she wont let me touch her, although sometimes she tries to be more interested and we have some nice foreplay.

I once knew my wife when she was in love with me. I cant do any the things that made me attractive to her. I was a volunteer fireman, got my pilots license, and access to a small plane which I took her on dates in, and was really good at my job, so I was cocky and confident. Now I dont have time or money to do xyz, and have a better job but its a real stretch for me. Now I've been laid off so many times, i've lost that confidence, I go into work "chained to a desk kissing [censored]" all day. I used to develp software which I really loved, but Im always competing with low wages in India. And she spends every cent on the kids, and I never get any fun or excitement. A neighbor retired, then a month later, he dropped dead paintin his house. I have a life to live too, before I take the dirt nap. I dont want to be a slave my whole life, and not have any fun, love, or sex.

Welcome to my mid-life crisis. :-)

I listened to these when they were posted. I dont feel like we have dates we both enjoy. We run together, training for marathons, so she loves that I stay with her, dispite being faster, and she can talk, talk, talk, for 3 hours of runing. But they are not te least bit romantic to me, and never involve sex. She used to go dancing with her girl friends, but she wont go to a club with me. And I hate that. So, according to the radio program, we SHOULD be having our most enjoyable experiences together, but we're not. When we do something together she complains about something or another the while time.

According to the program you should both agree how you want to spend your recreational activity.
And it shouldn't be sacrifice. It should be something both want to do.

Really it sounds like your whole problem (and Dr Harley says this causes most divorces) is that you and your wife dont follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. (POJA)