That's why you must see actions and not just words.

What conditions are you giving him in your Plan B letter?

1. end all contact with the her for life
2. no more nights apart or going out without each other
3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc for both of us
4. no more opposite sex friendships for either of us
5. complete honesty all the time about everything, not even little white lies
6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery
7. No contact with anyone opposed to us staying married or who had more support for the affair relationship.
8. Handwritten NC letter given to me to approve and mail.
9. new cell phone number

You need to add one more, in some form:

He must tell his interfering family that YOU are his most important concern, and if they cannot facilitate your joint recovery through their presence, they most assuredly will through their ABSENCE!

They aren't interfering. Some tell him he needs to come home. Most just sit and wait for him to decide and say nothing. The more pushed to me he feels the less he wants to come back. So he said he doesn't talk about it anymore with anyone.

The longer I go... the less I even want to hear his voice. I keep thinking of all the bull that comes out of his mouth and this tone of arrogance he has when she's around and my stomach twists thinking please don't call me... lol... ringers are off and cell phones turned off. He won't come here. He knows I won't answer the door. He never just comes here for that reason.

And honestly? After all my wishy washy-ness he probably thinks I will call him soon or text him. I don't think he's really going to "get it" for weeks, maybe even more than a month. For example, in August I just totally stopped texting. This was the height of the affair... they were practically living together... after a week he texted good night but I didn't respond. And you know what he did? Thinking back makes me laugh... he got mad at ME for ignoring HIM!! Had an attitude asking why I just suddenly stopped? But so mad at me... he got why - supposedly, but I went back to being quiet. Something some sixth sense or subliminal message kept telling me not to trust this... there were red flags everywhere so it's kinda easy this time because I went through a really rough time since this started already and I just keep thinking what next? nothing. Why? because this is how it will always be. Why? because he hasn't lost you. And then I think... I got over him sometimes and maybe, like I think someone said here... I love the idea of who he was before... I want to believe he's in there... but right now he's not. His personality and even the tone he uses changes when she's in the picture in a big way.

Oh and the texting argument he tried to have with me... he NEVER responded to ANY text I sent.

So how's your Plan B letter coming?

You have Good conditions thus far. What about a polygraph?

These may help.

Plan B letter samples

They aren't interfering.

You and I have a marked difference in our definition of "interfering"!

Welcoming him into their homes, abiding his living with his whore, giving him comfort and fellowship as he breaks the vows made to you, IN THEIR PRESENCE, well, I lump all that under the heading of "interfering".

But that's just me, I guess.

I guess doing nothing is also interfering. They say they love me and will always consider me part of the family but they just watch and do nothing. I hear his brother and him fight about it. His brother thinks he's an idiot and should come home. His Mom feels sorry for him. Says she hopes "someday" he can clear his mind and choose. He. Will. Never. Choose. He has to hit bottom.

I also knew when they got back together because he stopped trying. He began the gaslighting again. Saying he never said we had a chance to make it. He never said we were going to get back together or were trying to. He did think we weren't over but if you ask "you "thought" we weren't over, so you think we are now?" he replies... come one everyone... take a guess... he says... "I don't know."

He left a message. After 11 last night. He "guesses" I am out. It was Friday. LOLOLOL... I am not even the person I am. He changed our marriage. He changed my personality. I don't go out often. But now all of a sudden he thinks I am out partying every night. I suppose that MUST be the only reason I am not picking up. Like another message from a few days ago. He said "even if you're not alone" please call me back. So there must be another man for me to not want to talk to him. Plus the POSOW has lied about me and the things he says sometimes makes me think she tells other lies too, gets in his head. But this is his "illness" not mine.

Seeing his name on Caller ID... does not make me hopeful. Its annoys me. I see it and I think OH GAWD MORE BS...

BrainHurts... I will try to post some of it later... I am leaving for my sister's to celebrate Christmas tomorrow. I haven't even started Christmas shopping lol... and she lives on a mountain where I get no cell signal so I am unreachable. Over the past month I began the letter several times. I plan to pull bits and pieces from each letter. Some begin angry. Some too emotional. I am trying for the right balance. Loving yet detached.

I knew I had to go dark. For me. The daily heartache and turmoil are messing up other areas of my life now and I can't have that. I just wasn't prepared that one day I would just wake up and say ok, enough now. Todays the day I shut up. I thought I would have had time to plan it. But he has no keys. I have the new locks in my apt, just waiting for someone to install them for me. My brother will. And I am going to put "not at this address" on all his mail (not much comes here, but his driver's license still lists this address).

He wants to see what a divorce would be like. Ok. It's not like "Happily Divorced" we are not going to be friends and buddies and I am not going to be his "rock". He once said I keep him grounded. No? Really? Because since my influence is gone from his life... he may think he's got it all under control but there are things he is doing (that I won't put here) that prove he is out of control and will have consequences someday...

Dear WS,

I love you very much but I am at a point in our marriage where there is nothing more I can do to try to save it. It has come to the stage where I am getting resentful and feeling the start of hatred for you and how I�ve been treated. I know with all of my heart we can save this marriage but we both have to want to. As long as she is involved in your life in any form, we can�t do a thing about our relationship. She will always stand in the way. The desperation she showed at having to have you by telling you a lie (and probably not the first or last one either) to break us up is disturbing. And that you, a normally sane man who would never allow someone to disrespect them by bold face lying to them, that you would allow it and then tell me that you are not sure if you want to be with me because of her just shows me there is some issue in your life other than her than needs to be dealt with. You are not being yourself. You tried to tell me �this is the new you�. Well honestly WS, if this is the new you� I want no part of him This new you that you�re claiming to be is a jerk. And he is destroying any possibility of us saving our marriage.

Because I can�t allow the �new you� to make me hate you and kill off any hope that maybe someday we can reunite I have to back off now. I need you to respect this decision. I can�t speak to you anymore. It�s causing more harm than good now. If we need to speak we can find someone neutral who has no opinion either way to be the go between for us. The more I speak to you the more resentful I become. Right now, I need to look out for me and my best interests.

Should there ever come a time in the future where we want to look into saving our marriage for real it will not be on your terms. Your terms are selfish and all about you and only you. Your terms allow for her to interfere, stay involved and keeps you on the fence. They will be my terms. Which I will list here. And I understand if you won�t do them, it�s why I am putting them in this letter. I will not accept less than this next time. If you choose to reconnect honestly with me then this is what you will need to agree to.

. You can�t have us both. And I have far too much respect for myself and our marriage to allow you to put me on a back burner while you eat cake.
If there comes a time in the future you want to reunite it has to be sincere. And you need to know I will be moving forward in my life and there may come a time when reuniting will no longer be an option. When you first came back last January, you were willing to do these things, so you said, then one day you said no and ran right back off with her. So I am not thinking you will ever commit to these conditions. I think you will take the easy way out and just let me fade away until we are completely broken.
Number one is remorse. True remorse which I don�t even think you�ve felt yet. You say you�re sorry but you do nothing to show me that. You are sorry you got caught and now have a decision to make that�s all. You are not truly sorry for the damage this caused to our marriage or to me. And after you have true remorse, these are the list of things you must agree to if you want me to take you seriously:
1. End all contact with her for life

2. No nights apart or going out without each other where it�s possible for cheating


3. Complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc for both of us, no secrets, no friends we don�t know about, nothing is hidden (I am not asking you to do anything I am not also willing to do)

4. No more opposite sex friendships for either of us (you know I have several male friends I am close to, I do not now nor have I during the course of our marriage ever spent time alone with them � most of the time their significant other is present but I will stop that too if it�s what it takes)


5. Complete honesty all the time about everything, not even little white lies

6. Commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery (This is a must. I will not go back to marriage counseling, this program is better and focused on OUR problem. The program has to be followed to the letter in order for it to work)

7. No contact with anyone opposed to us staying married or who had more support for the affair relationship. This includes the people who enabled you. The people who helped you stay stuck and the people who allowed her in their presence KNOWING you were still married and didn�t want a divorce.

8. Handwritten NO CONTACT FOR LIFE letter given to me to approve and mail to her.

9. New cell phone numbers and if she gets the number or you give it to her, deals off.

We spoke already about what we think we can get over and what we can do. The hardest part of the affair is over for me. I went through it all while you were off having fun. Just because you didn�t get to witness the breakdown doesn�t mean it didn�t happen. I was mad. I was sad. I was hateful. I went through it all. THAT is why I wasn�t throwing it in your face. Not because I am holding it in. It isn�t there. It takes about a year to get over what you did and it�s been just that now. What I have complained about was your continued contact and wishy washy behavior. And as long as you keep adding to it, me, you and the marriage will never heal and never have a chance to be better. And we can have the marriage we wanted. You just need to stop looking for excuses.

I don�t know what else to say. I do wish the best for you WS. I do with all of my heart. I hope someday you come to your senses before it�s too late for us to do anything about it. But I am not as hopeful that will happen anymore.

I suppose you have already sent this letter, but in case you have not, let me help you edit it. You can not preach nor teach in a Plan B letter. It is a love letter with the map back to the marriage,should a wayward spouse decide to take the voyage to you.

Nice re-writing, reading!

Loki, in a Plan B letter brevity is the soul of commitment.

Good luck on your plan B! Ill pray for your success