Pepper,

Good Point! I would also add the following for good measure.

OM is "little Marys father" or "Tommys father" I can't believe you can do this to those children. This makes the FACT that your WW is dating a child's father REAL.

God Bless
Gamma

How's your exposing going?

Do you need some guidance from the board?

Hey guys, it's been a rough 24hr. I have exposed OM and W and she says she wants to work things out. She has given me all pwords and has told OM its over. I'm having a hard time dealing with fallout. I think she pretty much despises me right now and she is absolutely heart broken. I have read the 4 part article about coping with infidelity. I know there is a period of depression but I keep thinking she is going to change her mind and walk out. I feel like an ahole and I don't like it....

I also have a hard time bc she comes from an abusive control freak father and I have never really put my foot down with her bc every time I try she gets mad and says I'm just like her father. I'm a pushover and I hate it.

Well your actions of exposing shows you aren't a pushover and you are fighting for your M.

Did she write a NC letter?

Watch her as she defogs, some WW get very depressed but will come out of it when she defogs.

Stay strong, friend.

on exposing!!

Yes she did write a NC letter. She is very pissed at me right now.

Great job, cv! Don't feel bad about fighting for your marriage.

Have her agree to send a no contact letter. There are samples on the site. Also review the Extraordinary Precautions thread and tell her she has to agree to them in order for you to feel safe in the marriage.

I'm on my phone so cant link them for you

Good.

She's doing all the conditions to recover?

What EPs has she agreed to? Extraordinary Precautions

Is she living a transparent life?


How are you doing with meeting her EN? How are you doing cleaning up your side of the street?

Waaah, you too k away her cake!!

Your marriage can survive her anger, it can't survive her affair.

Have you read the basic concepts? Do you know her top 5 emotional needs and how ti meet them?

Brainy girl, you and I are on the same page

I have to step away but keep it up C_V!! Your doing great!

Make a choice right now to stop allowing yourself to be manipulated when she plays the control card. By allowing yourself to go along with her headgames, you embolden her and reward her for being a manipulator.

To WHOM did you expose the affair? Did you tell the OM's wife? Who else?

Exactly!!

Remember your M can survive her anger, but not her affair.

What pocket comebacks do you have ready?

"Sorry you feel that way. I'm hungry you want something to eat?"

How did she tell the OM it was over? What we recommend is that she send the OM a no contact letter that is approved by you and mailed by you.



here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

C_V,

You are doing great. You have done the right thing (not the easy thing !).

I was the same as your WW. I was heartbroken, and despised my BH too. But that is the past. I DO NOT despise him for exposing or for fighting for our family now !!

If you can stay calm and not get angry with her, it will help in the long run. Can you do that ?? Can you tune out her ranting and raving ? It will subside in time, but you will need extraordinary patience for a while.

You are doing great. I'm here if you need a FWW point of view.

May you get some peaceful sleep tonight. Stay strong.

p.s. not allowing her to abuse you is not "control;" is setting sane boundaries. A favored trick of women to control men is to play the control card. ["you're controlling me!!" ] Don't let her do it anymore.

I found some good one's from Pepperband.

I have a good one!

"OMG, IS THAT A MOUSE??????????????????????????????????"

C_V, I may be fighting a cold, but I can still smell WS bull-[censored], even through an internet connection.

...she says she wants to work things out... I think she pretty much despises me right now

Diplomacy, as they say, is repeating "Nice doggy!" while reaching for a bigger stick.

If you recall, the survival kit's last step was to "Brace yourself!" There was also the suggestion to have a mini audio-recorder with you at all times when you are in the presence of the she-devil that is created following exposure. Beware the "trumped up" or entirely bogus domestic violence complaint that she might spring on you.

I don't know where to start. My brain is a jumble. There is so much history to type out I really do not think anyone wants to read it. I will start with me and my feelings about the whole situation and if someone is curious enough to dig deeper then I would appreciate the help.

I'm 28 and my very identity is based on being a husband and father first and foremost. My decisions are always made with my wife and family in mind. I say that because I think that I have made mistakes over the years with my AB because I have tried to give her everything she has ever wanted, whether we can afford it or not. Even so much so that I have sold prized possessions to be able to afford what she wants. I have justified this by telling myself that I just want to make my wife happy.

She told me Saturday that she doesn't love me and doesn't want to work on things. I tried my hardest to talk her into going to marriage counseling but she says its over. I tried once again to talk to her on Monday and she said that the only reason she hasn't left yet is because she is worried I might hurt myself or I wouldn't let her see the kids. So on Monday I told her to leave. I won't fight her on this any more.

She moved in with her mom that night and we had a talk with the kids, where she told them mommy and daddy aren't going to be married anymore and that we both love them very much. The kids took things well but I think that is the saddest moment of my entire life.

I DO NOT WANT THIS DIVORCE! I will not give up on our family and marriage. I know that she has and until I see her with another man I will not give up. Which leads me to our history.

In December of 2012 I found out that she had been involved in an affair for the 3 years prior. I begged her to stay and she agreed to seek marriage counseling. We saw a counselor for about 4 or 5 months but ran out of money and had to quit going. I mention the counselor because I selected her based on her observance of His Needs Her Needs. The counselor was great, I think we would've been at this point sooner had she not helped.

In January of 2014 AB came to me and said she didn't love me and she wanted out again. I was able to convince her to stay then as well. Of course this past weekend was the culmination.

I have strong beliefs about marriage due to a religious background and my AB grew up in the same religion as I so she shares or shared those beliefs at one point. I know you guys are going to say there is someone else and I'm sure you're right. The problem is I can't prove it. She has taken all of her possessions with her and she also knows how I found out about it last time so she took steps to prevent me from having access to phone records and such.

Even with there being someone else my stupidity is profound because I still want to work things out. I still have feelings for her and I feel strongly that our kids need to be able to use us and our relationship as an example for how to live in the future. Another reason I'm willing to work things out is because I do not want to miss out on my kids. We are already alternating days with them and I feel like I'm missing so much of their cuteness and sweetness.

So, that leads me to this. I know that I am a pushover, I know that I have let myself be a victim in this. I have let her have her way with everything and even though I'm upset and hurt I still let her have her way. How do I stop this behavior? How do I become someone else? Everything I do I second guess myself because when I stand up for myself I feel like I'm being mean and I'm screwing up any chance of reconcile.

Example of me being stupid: She's living with her mother, there is no room for the kids to sleep over there. She doesn't have a job. We are both going to school and I'm the one working. She gets financial aid for school on sept 4th. She wants me to help support her until she gets financial aid. So what do I do? I go talk to my friends and they all say change your direct deposit for payroll and if you insist on supporting her agree on an amount and write a check. I change the direct deposit, but I tell her some BS story about how I think that I will get paid sooner with this account because its an online bank instead of telling her the truth. I know the truth is the truth and its mean and its not my fault its hers but that doesn't make me feel any better doing it.

HOW DO I STOP BEING SUCH A PUSHOVER!!! I KNOW IM BEING ONE AND I CANT STOP MYSELF!

Speaking of finances, I make $750 dollars every 2 weeks. We have about $1200 in bills(not including food and gas). She doesn't have a job... She wants to get an apartment by herself and live off of that $5000 dollars till she gets a job. Problem is, I'm not paying for her vehicle or insurance or cell phone bill. I mean she's looking at close to $1000 dollars a month in bills just by herself. On top of that she goes to school 3 days a week. That leaves 4 days to work. She wants a job in a dentists office. Last time I checked they're mostly open Mon-Fri until 5pm. Where the hell does she think she is going to be able to afford an apartment? I just don't get it.

Also, we live with my parents because we can't afford a place of our own because we're both going to school. Don't even get me started on my stupidity of letting her go back to school after the fact that I had started again. The original plan was I would work part-time and go to school part time and she would work part-time and take care of the kids. That got changed to her going to school part-time and taking care of the kids while I go to school part-time and work and try to pick up every extra hour I can for a little extra money to scrape by in between financial aid payouts.

Yep, I'm stupid so let fly the harshness.

Sir,

You need to expose her affair far and wide.
That should be your sole focus at this point.
The marriage counseling is a waste of time; you should have been focusing on exposure and Surviving an Affair book back in December, not His Needs Her Needs and counseling.

EDIT: I just bumped your thread in Surviving an Affair. Can you please go post there for guidance and stay on one thread?

BUMP