By who's authority.

Someone on MB is over stepping their "boundaries".

Unwritten,

The only PA I have to work through is a decade old ONS, peanuts in comparison. Then why do I have such a hard time???

Possibly because time does not always diminish, but sometimes multiplies the pain by the number of years, it erases the years between the act and discovery or at least all the good that occurred. Did you find out immediately or after some time.

From a STD standpoint even a ONS can infect the wayward who in turn infects the innocent spouse with some horrible disease.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma, it is not the length of the affair or the number of times they had SF, or even if the WW did things very willingly with the OM and refused to do so for her BH. Calling him a pervert for thinking of those things and such nerve to ask his WW for her to do them.











Why do you think I have wrote this?











Because the BH wanting to recover his marriage will say after finding out whatever it is that happened during the affair thank god it could of been worse.

Recall the worst thing any WW did that was written on MB. That WW could of done something far worse. And it could of been worse.

The BH choses recovery because he wants his wife back. He exorcises the wayward alien out.

His WW will be as the broken cup glued back together. The cracks will always be visible if looked for. In time the cracks are not noticed. The cup does not leak.

And now because of what the WW and BH have learnt post dday the best coffee in the world now comes out of that cup.

TR,

Gamma, it is not the length of the affair or the number of times they had SF, or even if the WW did things very willingly with the OM and refused to do so for her BH. Calling him a pervert for thinking of those things and such nerve to ask his WW for her to do them.

Not quite sure what you are aiming at, but I think it is important that the wayward be WILLING to tell the betrayed spouse whatever they want to know. If you believe in radical honesty this is critical. You can't glue the cup together when pieces are missing.

Who is calling him a pervert??? Not being kissed with any passion and reluctantly for 20 years can be very painful.

One thing Dr Harley mentioned was that it is sometimes harder for persons with detailed and long memories to get over an affair.

God Bless
Gamma

I did not find out for almost a decade. But I do not have a long or detailed memory. I bet I can't even remember what I had for lunch most days.

I just think some people are more resentful. Not sure what in my character makes me that way. In all honesty, other than in this sitch I am not. I generally have a thick skin, and have a man's approach of 'lay the grievance on the table over a beer and move on.' For some reason I cannot seem to apply it here tho. Even when recovery is going good.

Anyway I didn't want to steal Mike's thread. I guess I am just wondering if there are failed recovery stories, even when the effort was put into the program. Seems the general consensus is when the effort is there, recovery WILL happen and that has not been my experience so far.

But we have not worked the entire program 100% and have many holes left to fill, in defense of the program. I'm just saying even when it's going good and we are on track the white elephant is there and I wonder if there will ever be a day when it's not.

This is one of two things, the other being the more there is to forgive (LTA, multiple affairs) the longer it will take to forgive.

I also believe that white elephant will never go away. No matter how well needs are met or how much UA time there is. That elephant doesn't give a Damn.

RQ and UA,

May I suggest that there is no "never" that can be supported by logical position. Until the end of days, there exists the possibility that what has not yet happened could still occur.

But enough metaphysical crap, let's talk reality: For the next five seconds do not think about NG riding on a pink camel!








So, how did I look? My point is that stimulii will occupy the mind as the mind determines. Believing that some negative-emotional construct in your life will endure guarantees that it does. It is best allowed (encouraged) to die its scheduled death by ignoring it, letting it become extinct.

Time spent improving the marriage that you are each currently nurturing is so much better spent.

(I would hope we could move this line of discussion off MSS's thread, because he has struggled with the "was" vs "is" conflict in the past.)

RQ, you have been here since 1/9/12.

DDay 11/15/11
Plan B 1/18/12
"Recovery" 3/16/12
Trickle truth revealed 11/9/12

When you started at MB I'm sure you read that recovery is a 2 to 5 year process. You have been at MB almost a year. In that time you had to do a plan B, thought you started recovery. Then you discovered you were TT'd just this past November. Which set you recovery clock back to zero.

As they say every time there is a set back it restarts the recovery clock back at zero. It blows to realize that after all the time you spent here you are back were you started from.

At this point it appears that the recovery clock will not be reset back to zero again.

Being you got TT I think that you should have your WH take a polygraph test so that there will be no more suprises. No more reseting the recovery clock back.

As to you feeling you will never forget. That is normal when a new truck load of truth was dumped on you. You are not 2 months out from TTday, let alone 2 to 5 years out in recovery. Everything still fresh.

RQ did have kiss take a polygraph. That's how she found out about the trickle truth.

They talk about it on his and her threads.

You're right. Sorry Mike!

No problem. Still thinking about NG riding a camel.

Ive tried to change the past unsuccessfully.

I can only accept it. I accept my responsibility for the past. I accept her shortcomings. I accept that Ill have visions in my head forever. I accept that those closest to me are capable of the worst. I accept that, for a long time, my feelings and those of my children, were meaningless.

I accept her sincerity that all of it was a mistake. I accept her desire to never speak of it. I accept that the wifely duties that started on dday are done because she wants me and not simply to 'keep me around'.

Im going to lay low on the boards in 2013 but will continue to lurk but only occasionally. (I can hear the "thank goodnesses" or more likely the "who cares?" from the crowd.)

I remember a couple of names who had great impact on my thought process and decision making who either changed their names or dont come around any more.

The many of you who stood by me, fought with me, commiserated with me, implored me, and, frankly, beat the know-you-whats out of me, my wife and I really appreciate the effort.

Lastly, if I made any impact in a positive way on some poor shmoe unlucky enough to suffer what I suffered, then Im grateful. One learns a lot about life when adultery strikes if you allow yourself to learn.

My brother saw OM last week at a supermarket. They made eye contact and my brother advised him to leave the store if he knew what was good for him.

My brother is large. OM made his way to the door.

I just read this and wanted to assure you there is no thank goodness or who cares going on.

There is termendous value in posts from seasoned and fully recovered gurus to the MB process.

And then there is the camaraderie amongst those who are in the trenches at the same time.

Personally, I find equal value in watching other people's journeys, including yours. At least it makes me feel like I am not the only person who stumbles around in the dark.

But I understand the need to lay low once in awhile. Just don't want you to lay low because you don't feel like your journey/struggles/advice matters here, because it does.

I was thinking the exact same thing, MSS! What UW said!!!

Thanks for the words.

Tried to 'lay low' but cheating still happens and a new victim shows up here everyday and I am driven to offer a nugget of inspiration when I feel it could help (like those who did so for me).

Some of these stories really get me down. Makes me have doubts about the world we live in. If so many show up here, geez, how many people are cheating on their spouses OVERALL? How could so many be so weak or indifferent to their vows? What's wrong with people?

I have become very introspective and people have questioned my demeanor change over the last couple of years. I still find it hard to be happy but manage when my kids are around. They see it despite my best efforts. Ive written about this before.

I do get great satisfaction when something Ive offered to another BS actually was used and made a positive difference. Nothing is as good as when I get a thanks from one of these guys or gals. (I dont need much.)

Sure, sometimes I feel a bit low when Im with a bunch of couples and think that why did MY WIFE do what she did and these other bozo's wives didnt. Why was I so lucky? But, Ive gained a unique insight into how to manage after such disaster and how to prevent it again that these guys may not have. Helping a poor guy who is in the lowest of lows rise out it is a gift I was given.

With such power comes great responsibility. Not using it every so often would be a crime.

I also hope you stick around the boards. We need the help.