I don't mind your posts. I've said the same things to myself. I want to understand what happened and why it happened. I certainly want to understand the red flags so that I don't get myself into another such relationship with someone new.

XH has told me via email that he told fiance they should not get married. Told some person and a pastor that he still loved me. They both said not to get married.
He also called me last night. I was asleep and couldn't tell who was calling when I answered phone. I had sent him an email telling him that I could not continue contact with him as he was getting married and I couldn't continue the emotional roller coaster. We went to the same places we always do - stuff we fight about.
I was 50/50 on the wedding. 50% glad that he was shutting the door and 50% sad that it was happening. I'm a real mess. My head tells me that I don't trust him, I know he is still lying about some things, I don't respect him. My heart says I still care (love??? don't know) and that I wish I had something to hand onto that would make me think a relationship with him would work. I don't.
This is a really sad place to be. Divorced but not emotionally. I understand now more than ever the reason for Plan B.
For those of you who have effectively Plan B'd, how long did it take for you to emotionally detach yourself from your XS? Did you date during that time? If yes, did it make it easier or harder? Do you still find yourself wishing that you could reconcile or even thinking about it?

I emotionally think about reconciling regularly.
But logically I think that I am better off divorced.
And logically I know my kids are safer and in a more healthy environment.

I have been divorced for 5 months and have not seen or spoken to ex wife.
In plan B and it is nice.

I don't date, I'm too busy being a single parent of 3 kids!
But I belong to a church and I like to read and do events with the kids on the weekend and stay busy.
I've learned that staying busy helps a lot.

I've gotten back into reading. Used to read ALOT then just got too busy with house and marriage and such and let that slide. I'm trying to stay busy and plan things to do.
My situation is a bit different. I'm just at a different time in my life. Older - not wiser!! My DD is in college, but still lives at home. I try hard not to lean on her and give her space to do things with her friends. We occasionally do stuff together.
I'm trying to figure out where I belong. Where I'm supposed to be. I pray alot - but not as much as I should. I pray for direction about this situation. My life is a far cry from what I envisioned it to be when I married my X.
I often wonder if I would hear God if He spoke to me. Or maybe He has spoken to me in my spirit and that's why I've never gone back though I've had the opportunity so many times - even now.
I wonder if it could work and I wonder if I would just be putting myself right back into the situation I left.
There's a part of me that wants to run to him and tell him it will all be okay. But then reality sets in and I think about all that is broken and would have to be fixed. I think about the hatred my DD has for him because of all that she has witnessed and heard. I think about my own doubts about his honesty, especially as I have his cousin telling me things he did, but my XH continuing to lie. Either my X is lying or the cousin. The cousin has no reason to lie, the X does.
What a screwed up mess!!!!

Oh I want to share that AlAnon did help me emotionally disconnect from
My cheating wife.
You can go there since he is the child of an alcoholic.
They can help you emotionally disconnect and think more about yourself and how to improve yourself.

Although I never experienced it that I am aware of, my family tells me my dad was an alcoholic. He was pretty sick by the time I was born and he died when I was 10. He had major health issues including heart disease - most likely congestive heart failure. I don't ever recall seeing him drink. He was apparently a mean drunk as the memories I have are markedly different from the memories of my older brother and sister.

My XH's dad passed away in 2005. He told me a couple of years into our marriage that his dad had molested him. He certainly saw numerous affairs and separations with his parents. Similar stuff in extended family. Probably not much positive patterned for him in his family.

I have prayed for so long that something would happen that would make what I need to do so clear that there would be no way for me to misinterpret God's will. If you take away everything else - kids, etc. - we were okay as a couple. When you add in all the other things that created our problems, they are still there. The infidelity is the biggest as I have been told that there were more women than what he has admitted to and that's a big issue.

There was a time in our marriage when I believed everything he said. I had no reason to doubt him. After I started taping his phone conversations at our house - I moved out - and I heard how easily he lied to me and how fantastic the elaborate stories were that he told I no longer believe anything he says.

Again, so much damaged that would need to be repaired. I know some have done it successfully. I just don't see how. But, I still pray that God will show me the way out finally or the way to fix it all.

You want to recover then recover though you must do it the right way. If there was alcohol then AA and he must phone counsel with the Harley's.

The decision is up to you. You do what is best. You do want you want. Just don't short cut either way.

There is a way for couples.
Following Dr Harley's program.
However BOTH must be commited to it.
I don't think he is commited. It sounds like he makes impulse decisions.

My XH is not and has never been an alcoholic. Neither have I.
But, are you saying that because his father was an alcoholic and he grew up around it that some of his behavior can be attributed to that?
What behaviors have I written about here that could be the result of his father's drinking?

[quote=TheRoad
You want to recover then recover though you must do it the right way. If there was alcohol then AA and he must phone counsel with the Harley's.

The decision is up to you. You do what is best. You do want you want. Just don't short cut either way. [/quote]


You need a reading comprehension check.

Also practice up on your writing skills. It was not clear whether or not about the alcohol use.

So want have you done with the advice you have been given here on MB.

TheRoad,
Reading comprehension check?
My question was for clarification of what was written back to me - did he mean alcoholic in family or did he think I had said that my XH was an alcoholic. Big difference.

Writing skills? Ok.

I am reading, absorbing,moving forward. If any of this was easy and if all we had to do was read what the steps were and them implement them, I wouldn't be posting to you now as there wouldn't be any boards necessary.

So are you going into Plan B or continue to allow your XWH to vacillate?

It is official. My XH is getting married today. My niece ran into him yesterday and he confirmed. He also sent her several text messages saying that he ins't sure about the wedding and that he still loves me and wishes that we could repair our relationship. But, because I have not done anything to repair it or to give him hope that we could, he is moving forward with the marriage.
God help us all.
For me, this closes the door. I won't be the OW.

Coming from TheRoad, this has GOT to be the funniest thing I have read on this site ALL YEAR. ROTFLMAO!!!!

Sorry life2short

XH

isn't willing to be the man you need to have a relationship with.....

he is lazy and selfish and you know it.

Close that door and crazy glue it shut.

So will you finally going into a real Plan B? You've been D for 10 years and he is Marrying again.

Will you finally close all contact with him?

The ceremony starts in 30 minutes and I'm having a really hard time. I brought this all on myself by staying connected - no plan B. Hurts so much and I'm having a hard time breathing!!

Know in my heart that this is not the man for me. Know that he is going to hurt her. Know all this yet I am still an emotional wreck.

Again, brought it all on myself by staing connected and thinking that somehow someway something was going to happen that would open a door to us reconciling. It never did. I seem to be the only one in my family that is sad about it.

Yes, this closes the door. I know how I felt about him having contact with the 2nd XW. The 4th one is going to have a lot to deal with and I don't need to add to the list of issues.

Can you go to a movie or out for dinner with a friend?

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Thanks. My daughter and I went to a hockey game and then to a local store for some Christmas shopping.
I know this is the best thing that could have happened to me, but the pain is still there.
By now the wedding and reception are over and they are .... somewhere. Don't know the plans - don't want to know. Know enough to torture myself with.
Don't want to cry anymore. Don't want to think anymore!! Think I'll go to bed and read until I fall asleep.

Wow! Slept through the night and woke up to find....
my beautiful daughter asleep in the room next to mine
myself debt free except for the house and $ to pay it off if I needed to
myself with a good job to go to on Wed with good co-workers and boss
I have the next three days off
myself with an extended family to spend Christmas with

Life IS good. The pain is there, but God can bring me through this just like He has brought me through all the other low times in my life. I've made it through a lot including the pain that my XH caused.

So, on to new chapters in my life. And on that note, off to church. Hope everyone has good day today.