hey guys, i just wanted to let you know that i'm still here! i've just been super busy at work with the end of the year, and i applied for a new job. plus, i've been going to the gym (yuck) 3x/week, so have had nooooo free time. well, any free time goes to the M. everything here is fine.

though...i'm at a new point. i've come to realise recently that to keep moving forward i've got to let go of the "i know i can do this on my own, so if things don't work out, i can leave him" and move on to being 100% vulnerable. it is so hard to get to that "i'll be ok" point, and it's hard to let it go. however, i cannot keep trying to build a good marriage with that in the back of my head. it's time to really let go and commit. this is really scary!

and...i don't have time to write more than that. my work xmas do is in an hour, and i've got to go put my face on and do something with the rats nest that is my hair. school ends in 3 days, then i'll be back! hope you all had a lovely thanksgiving!

I imagine that it is scary.
Ive asked myself lately. When my wife's affair dies a natural death, as it likely will, should I take her back?
More importantly, could I?

Adultery wipes someone out and as explained in Buyers Renters Freeloaders the betrayed spouse needs to downgrade to Renter status to protect themselves from the freeloader partner. To make the decision to become a Buyer again is huge.
It makes the individual vulnerable to someone that previously abused them.

I wish you luck. I have no experience.

But on the Radio Show Dr Harley says the SAA program does work. And upgrading back to Buyer status is part of the program.

holy cow, did i get a shock from the new icons!

hi jediknight. i like your screen name

i am working on the fear - i have found that it keeps coming back more and more often now that i have voiced it, and i don't know if i'm ready to be a buyer just yet. the last several years have been quite the roller coaster, and i'm downright scared at putting all my eggs in one basket again. i'm going to wait and watch and see how things are at the 1-year-of-MB mark. then i will reassess. hopefully, articulating this decision will help allay the fear i've been harboring these last few weeks.

on the up side, things have been just fine. we're gearing up for a nice xmas with our dd and her bf, finances are going well, the house is really shaping up, and most importantly, haha) i'm finally on holiday break! having said that, i've been at "the office" every day since school broke up, getting ready for next year. but at least i don't *have* to, YKWIM?

JK, are you in pb? i spent today catching up on friends' threads, but i haven't read yours yet (i'm assuming there is one). are you protecting your LB$? being in pb keeps that LB$ in suspended animation so that you do have the ability to attempt recovery once the a is dead.

i'm sorry you're here because you have an active WS in your life. it does indeed suck. i hope that you are working towards personal recovery in the meantime. the people round these parts are aces at helping out with that.

to everyone else - hey gang! glad to be back! remember how much i complained about how cold winter was? well today was an absolutely sweltering (and humid - frizzy hair central) 33 degrees. such a pity linen is so wrinkly; it does make for better (temp-wise) dressing! (who am i kidding - i always look like an unmade bed anyhow. my mother always, but always, looks immaculate. why didn't i inherit this?) tomorrow's forecast is 23. here's hoping.

Hello, Letty,

Boy do I know all about frizzy hair. From a humid windy island to south TX, I cherish the few good hair days I get!

I had a foot out the door of my marriage for over a year. I was "wait and see." I tested and waited and watched to see if all this new behavior was going to stick. Would he keep his promise of agreeing to the POJA and everything else?

It took the full two years to finally believe that maybe this really is a marriage of two buyers. Two years is a long time; it felt like an eternity at the time. I can see from so many threads on this forum that the road to recovery really is very narrow. If H had not done all he did in the way of JC and in keeping EPs, it would not have worth my time, my effort, nor my heart to stay. We had a few bumps along the way with his EPs. His free and easy habits with women were hard to break, but he "gets" it now.

Two years post D-Day, the rending pain is gone. I sometimes think I will never really feel the same way about my H or my marriage, so a bit of sadness there over my - can I say it? My defiled marriage. That makes me sad, but the grieving is over. It's like a childhood injury that goes away, leaves no pain, but the scar will be there until the day I die.

DoormatNoMore reminded me to check the status of my marriage two years post D-Day. Is it better than before the affair? Keep watching and working the program. You may not feel really "safe" for a while, but you can see every day what your H is doing to help you heal. I had to remind myself when I agonized "Look what he's doing today."

thanks LWFH. i saw a nifty idea today. it said to write down all the good little things that happen and put them in a jar (or whatever). then, when you feel crappy, you can take them out and look at them. i think a tangible reminder would help not take things for granted. we actually did a little (test? quiz? project?) one week, where we wrote what ENs we specifically met and how, and linked them to the EN questionnaires. then at the end of the week asked each other what ENs had been met and how (to see if they matched - H has EN for ..., i filled it by ..., he noted ... and vice versa), and boy was that fun! it really helped demonstrate how we are both working on keeping that LB$ going.

but i still feel wary. although his a is now far in the background, our more recent troubles still are quite present in my mind. it takes such a long and painful time to get to the "i can do this on my own" state of mind, and i am just so scared of making that 100% vulnerability and then getting screwed over, again. keeping that LB$ high over time, w/continuing UA time, i'm sure, will help. but yeah, i can see 2 years as a good benchmark.

OTOH, i have gone back to daily "trust but *verify,* which i had kinda let go, and this is helping me feel a lot better.

well, i'd best get out and run today's errands, or xmas will be upon me before i know it! here's to a cooler day and straight hair!

well, it's only taken 2 days back on the boards to have a massive anxiety dream! last night it was very hot & sticky, so i went to lie down (sometime during the night) in our dd's room, which is cooler. when i feel asleep, i dreamed that he'd been having an a since 6 months after we met, so yes, during our whole marriage! in the dream, he was completely full of himself, and wanted us to compete so he could choose! when i woke up, i returned to our room, told him i had a bad dream, and he held me the rest of the night (heat & all).

in the light of day, the details of the dream are ridiculous, of course. but you know that feeling? *the* feeling? it's that sickness i woke up with in the night. it's completely gone now that i'm up and have run my morning errands, and it hasn't left any aftertaste, if YKWIM. but geez, i can really do without those kinds of dreams!

i'm shaking as i sit here, chainsmoking.

just checked DS for history over the weekend. while i was making christmas cookies with our dd, [censored] got a message from model mayhem, which he didn't mention and actually checked. it was from a model coming here for the holidays and who wants to do a shoot. he gave out his email address, they emailed - she's staying out at the beach where he's working. he said to ring his cell, and gave that out too. guess what? he's "working" today.

some people might say - so he wants to do a shoot, so what? there's no impropriety in these messages.

[censored] that. he's a lying, cheating sack of [censored] and i am ready for him to be gone. i need some support here so i can stay strong over xmas while gathering even more evidence so i can lay it all out at the lawyer's office when we go in to "update our wills" next month. yes, the will updating is a ruse i am using to get him in there, lay out all the screenshots, and tell him to [censored] off and exactly what i want and how i want it.

my problem is: patience and willpower are not my strong suits. i am the kind of person that would, right now in my bathrobe, get in the car, drive the hour out to this particular beach, and make a massive scene. looking at that sentence makes me sad. i need to be strong. i need to be stealthy. and i need to be able to do it for at least the next 3 weeks, as all businesses basically closed here friday and won't open again until mid-jan. (banks, lawyers, etc.)

[censored], i am sick to my stomach. however, i am going to suck it up, go shower & get beautiful, make a lovely xmas eve dinner, and try to find some valium to stop the shakes.

ps: needless to say, i'm not even coming close to trying to go round the profanity filter on this post!

I'm not sure how many people will be on today but I saw your post and wanted to give you support. You can do this. Be your best self, focus on the fact that this is almost over, and know that we are all here for you. I'm praying for stength for you.

thank you wondering. it's xmas eve here -typical time to discover this kind of thing. i'm trying to stop spitting "you lying sack of [censored]" out before the kids get back from shopping. and i did just manage a stepfordy wife "what time to do you think you'll be home from work, so i know when to put the turkey in the oven" call.

thanks again. it helped to have someone there!

Letty,

I am so, so sorry. I have no advice, but do have hugs for you.

AM

thanks, armymama merry christmas to you.

Oh Letty I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Try to stay calm and strong, gather your evidence and bide your time.

I know the photo shoots with models was one of your EPs, I'm sorry he has broken this and caused you anxiety and pain. I am hoping it is an innocent photo shoot and nothing more.

I have to pick something up for the children and will be back in a couple of hours. You have my details, please ring home, cellphone or email any time.

I am here for you

thanks happy. as you know, it's not so much the action as the deceit.

Letty, you have everything in your hands to manage this, and you have many dozens (scores) of colleagues here to buck you up.

This sucks to arise at Christmas, friend. I would just suggest that whatever sanctions you threatened for this type of violation are now in play. If not applied, well,.......

Letty, I am so sorry to read this! Is your husband a photographer? I will be in and out this week, but will check in you.

thanks guys. interesting turn, so i definitely need the help.

i'm in the kitchen, stuffing the turkey, and H comes home. tells me about his day, then says he's got to tell me something. he then tells me the whole deal - got a message, went to site, sent email, gave phone, and wants to know how i'd feel about him doing a shoot next week. everything jibes with what i saw from my sw. he then even shows me how he didn't delete anything from his accounts (web history, email, etc). huh.

i'm amazed to say i didn't lose my cool. had him hold the turkey open so i could finish stuffing, thanked him for telling me, then pointed out how the right time to tell me would have been from step one. then i said that i would have to think awhile. he is now out xmas shopping (hey, it's only xmas eve, there's still time!). i, otoh, have a clean house, turkey in the oven, desserts made, and only veges to prep. the kids are waiting for me to watch home alone. huh.

i'm confused and don't really know what the next step should be. there's got to be a consequences (three, really, or one big one) and i'm not sure what it should be. frankly, the only thing i ever outlined was that if he ever did anything like this again without telling me, i'd boot his [censored]. suggestions?

mel - yes, he has shot for magazines/calendars for 20+ years. cars, trucks, bikes. his "regular" job is an electrician, but he's always had a lucrative sideline as a photographer. thanks for checking!

merry christmas everyone! i hope you all have a great day with your loved ones.

I'm glad to hear he told you about the shoot and showed you all messages etc. I agree he should have told you about this first.

I will defer to the experts to give you the correct advice. I would think given he was O&H about the shoot this counts for something and a discussion re being O&H at the time of event rather than after would be required.

I know it is a slow time with Xmas around the corner, but keep up the good work until you receive "expert advice"

Hang in there ... you are amazing everything ready for your feast, happy and charming all whislt dealing with this. You can do this!

I'm so sorry Letty.

Is it possible he is spying on you and picked up on your finding out about it?

If he didn't deceive you and voluntarily told the truth, the sanctions don't need to be as harsh imo.

However the ability for people to contact him and the temptation to do a shoot should be eliminated. That whole situation could have come so close to his deciding to lie to you.

And he knows how you feel about it, doesn't he? So why is he asking? Unless he figured out that you knew and was doing a cover job.

I think more snooping is warranted.

So sorry Lefty.

What was your condition if he broke an EP?

Letty,

I'm so sorry about all of this. I've been MIA a bit lately - a lot on my plate these days - but when I saw you had a number of posts I wanted to check in on you and am glad you did.

It is good that he fessed up; I wondered the same thing IndieGirl did: was there any way he could've known you'd found out?

I'm amazed how well you handled yourself. I'm pretty sure I would have flown off the handle and I have to say - I'm not sure it would have been uncalled for. You really do have to preserve the line of respect in your marriage and what he did really crossed that line! I'm not saying it would have been good to go off on him at that moment but I think he should have felt a little bit of righteous indignation there! He KNOWS that all of that was against your marriage code! He was throwing your relationship in harms way and that DESERVES a negative reaction!

Of course, you have to balance that with the "thank you for telling me the truth" part of all of this as well.

I think you ought to have him take a couple of hours to go write on the EP list he was supposed to stick to and the reasons why they are EPs. Then he ought to list what feelings not sticking to those EPs arouse in Letty and how he feels about that. That's for starters!

You're a tough woman: you can handle this!!! So sorry about your ruined Christmas Eve though.