I said I would start this up and hope it is of help to others too. I think dating post divorce is terrifying in all circumstances. If you've also been betrayed, add another 100 per cent terror. For those of us who use this site there is also the added twist of knowing you want to find someone with MB values, in a seemingly MB-free universe. A big job.

I honestly discovered this forum discussion on Plenty of Fish recently which was basically along the lines of: "This girl I met on here has a real problem with the fact I'm still in touch with my ex. How insecure is she?!" Followed by about ten very waywardish replies agreeing with the OP. Not one voice of dissent. Even when he also said he was in touch with 'former shags'. Then said if he did meet anyone else who was 'insecure' (translation: "wise to him") he would string her along for a while 'If she was fit'.

That forum attitude on POF dropped me into the dumps for a while until I realised my MB skills had allowed me to see right through this loser and that was a GOOD thing. Yay MB!!!!!!!

So I've been on POF and Match for a week and a bit. This thread is for me to blog about my dates (or lack thereof) and the pitfalls. I'm already learning there are loads of internet dating etiquette rules. I'm not ruling out RL dating however that seems like an unlikely prospect, right now, anyway, as I don�t know any single eligible men.

I'm also following Dr Harley's 30-dates-in-a-year advice. Basically I got married without dating much first and so his rules regarding contrast effect are particularly important to me, I think

What are the "internet dating etiquette rules"?

Great thread Indie... I want to join in on this.... I just need to get internet connected to the new house!

And BH... Rule number one on internet dating etiquette... Don't ask to move into a recently divorced person's new home to save on bills and keep them "warm in bed". I'm still snorting in disbelief!

hi Indiegirl,
Agree that guy is a POS, if he is willing to string insecure girls for the heck of it...
But, I do not get your problem with dates that still have contact with their ex. (if those contacts are limited to conversation ofcourse)

You are dating and freeloading, not renting or marrying remember.

The story so far:

Business-man
On Match I was messaged a few times by a man who seemed fairly keen. He was just starting up his own business after working away in Spain for a time and he had an eight year old son. We had some good back and forth and he seemed nice and well travelled but he didn't respond to my last message which was last week. I had been talking about my day and mentioned I had been dancing to Gangnam Style with my nephews. Which has clearly run him off!

Funny-man
On POF I got chatting to one guy who at 27 was younger than my specified age. His picture was good looking and he's a PHD student and I was impressed by his ability to just 'chat' online. Very good IC skills. If we were both online at once, then messages would just fly back and forth. He was very funny. However he then moved on to asking me what I was wearing. Then sent something incomprehensible. At that point I realised he was using alcohol as a on-line social lubricant and did not message back again.

Music-man
Had some great chat with this guy about music and he seemed engaging and intelligent. Then he asked me 'So, which are your three favourite Liverpool bands?' (seeing as I am from Liverpool). I found this phrasing and specific questioning to be a bit inquisitorial, however it was clearly important to him! When I messaged back 'The La's, The Coral and The Beatles' - I never heard from him again.

Artist-man
Been chatting to this guy for about a week now and he's sent me a link of some great artwork he's exhibiting online. I really liked it, some amazing ideas. He's an IT specialist thinking about making his hobby his main job. The chat isn�t as good as it could be, but he is pleasant and intelligent and I have a feeling he has better chat to offer in person. No sign of his asking me for a date though!

The disappearing act
I was having a fantastic conversation with this one on POF over the course of a week and he seemed really nice. He had just sent me a message on Boxing Day asking if I'd had a nice Christmas. I didn't have time to reply but when I logged on later his entire profile had disappeared, and so had our messages. Puzzling.

College man
A blast from the past, this one. He had seen my profile on POF and recognised me from our college days. We are having a good friendly chat, which you would expect since we know each other! I'm now in a bizarre limbo land though, where I don�t know if he is messaging me as a friend or a potential date. I suppose he would contact me on FB if he was doing a 'catch up' thing, but equally he could simply have seen my picture and messaged me to say hi.

The American
A guy from Virginia messaged me. I very nearly pressed delete there and then as I hate getting messages from far away. I've had messages from Italy and Africa online and I am not going to travel that far for a date! However this one is in the neighbourhood visiting friends, and visits often, so a date could result. He teaches University level English and seems really clever. He's also very attractive!

Oh yes, I am going to be doing contrast effect in the form of 30 dates. I won't be exclusive to them and they won't be exclusive to me. So friendship with an ex, would be fine in my situation. But i do hope at some point to have a relationship with MB values. Basically I objected to the overall tone of the forum thread, and many of the 'I do too' replies were from married people. Ugh.

I'm sure I will uncover some more, but for starters:

I get so many lazy first messages from people which just say 'Hi' or 'Wanna chat'. Or cut and paste messages which are clearly not meant just for me. A long or even particularly clever email is not necessary, but I want some sign they've actually read my profile. A simple: "That hobby you mention sounds interesting" will do. They even tell you to do this in the 'Welcome to the site' guides, but some people clearly haven't read that either!

Also, contacting people when you haven't put a photo on your profile. This is plain rude and I don't know what they expect to gain from this method. It's like approaching a woman in a bar while wearing a mask. They are either hideous, married, or too lazy to get some pics done.

The American (see above) has private pictures, which he allowed me to see when he meesaged me. I am not keen on them either as I immediately think 'married and doesnt want to get caught' but he says he stopped having a public picture after some of his students messaged him. That does make sense (if true!)

Hahahahahahahahaha!

Thanks Indie, that makes a lot of sense and I see not much has changed from when I online dated.

Do you think the guy whose profile vanished, could have been from being reported about something (like rule abuse or something)? Or married and had to delete?

Cara,
Yup I think that has been a definite red flag from any form of dating. Lol

Hi Indie,
Good to hear you are entering the world of dating.

I met my dh through mutual friends. We are very happy. I just want to encourage you that there are good men out there.

Could be either. Or neither one, he could have just had enough of internet dating. It's quite disconcerting when you think someone is really nice, and they want to hear back from you and poof - gone! It is obviously better for him to have vanished though if there is something dodgy going on.

Definitely needed to hear that!

Glad you started this thread, IG. I would love to read how your online dating experience goes.

I did it for a short while and had good and bad experiences ~ the last one I did something mortifying, followed by him doing something that triggered me BADLY...so I am taking a break...am busy with other stuff right now anyway

My sis has a good friend that just engaged to a guy she met on Match and my niece's teacher just got married to a guy she met on Match! But I also know people who have had no luck on there at all...

For the most part, I think it's a great way to meet new people, you just have to have a good screening process and try to manage your expectations until you actually meet in person.

Indie, I'm going to have to be careful not to highjack your thread! Some of our experiences sound very similar...

And Susie is spot on about managing expectations until you meet. In the flesh, a person can be very different to who they choose to portray online. I had a horror of a first date! A good learning curve though... I realised I can handle even the disaster dates, clueless about the dating scene that I am.

Well, I have a date!

My first date in 16 years. Yikes. Its my old college friend. He manned up and got to the point in under two days and a handful of messages! Which I like. We're meeting for drinks next Saturday.



I have a friend who is a BW who did alright when she was just casual dating. But then when she started talking about feeling she may be ready for more, she had a panic attack on the night she had a first date planned. Now she is taking a break.

I wonder about this, if the betrayal will still sock me in the eye in future months and years. Or if its given me better protective instincts. Hmmm.



Haven't had much interaction on there at all whereas on POF its very lively. I've just changed my Match profile pic so its the same as on POF for a more accurate comparison. Time will tell.

DO IT!!!!!!

One would think when you have suffered betrayal the way we have that you would have a difficult time trusting again. Happily I found that to be untrue. I do have good instincts now and very much appreciate the honest people I have encountered. Being with my dh has made me feel so secure....I fully appreciate how wonderful it is to be with a trust worthy person.

I think you're right SW. I dont think it makes us 'untrusting', I think it just makes the bad'uns stand out more.

Caracel ... what happened ... I feel left in LIMBO?

Go get 'em IG ... this will be great.

x 2

I did match and overall had a good experience. Establish your "rules", Indie. That doesn't mean the rules can never be adjusted but at least you will have at starting point and can identify deal breakers vs preferences. It can also be hard for a buyer to adopt the freeloader/renter mentality.

Can't wait to hear the dating adventures of Indie!!! Have FUN!!!!