Dude, I dare you to count up the fully recovered BHs regularly posting on MB. There's NG, and Trip, and Gamma, and you, and....

So your plan is to reduce this vital resource by one-fourth? Really? Seems kinda.......unfair.

North is around as well.

I limit myself so I can keep up with those I watch, and when things happen like this week... and will happen with others... the FBH club runs short.

MSS, I forgot a few FBHs (NW8900 being a salient example) but the principle remains.

ESPECIALLY in recovery, your voice is required. If there were a trigger, or mind-movie, or resurgence of resentment that a future FBH could present here that you could not help with, I would be VERY much surprised!

MB is already diminished with the withdrawal of HFD from daily participation. Please stay involved.

Yeah, I could use me some HFD. And, CV.

Among others.

MSS and the other FB spouses have made the difference in me cheating and realizing where my behavior was leading and putting an end to it.

I came pretty close and thanks to MB I'm a changed woman. Without reading the posts here I don't know that I ever would have realized it until I was a WW and my DH was a BH.

You guys make a difference.

The 2x4s I got here made a difference to, even though I didn't appreciate them.

MSS,
We BHs who are still recovering need you hear from too!

I have a very similar post in my recovery thread about the loads, and loads, and LOADS of new posters every day and how it makes me lose hope. Are there ANY marriages without cheating in them???

I sometimes have to take a step back and stay in the recovery threads. Lately I have read more on the MB101 threads, I feel like those are often more helpful to me now (learning more about POJA, etc) and it also gives a break from the A stories.

Also, seems like there is a ton of BH's out there lately on the SAA forum. Which makes all the recovering and recovered BH's very valuable.

So glad to hear you are going to stick around for awhile longer.

NG,

Dude, I dare you to count up the fully recovered BHs regularly posting on MB. There's NG, and Trip, and Gamma, and you, and....

Well, not entirely, my W is happy with our marriage, and feels that since her affair with OM2 was so long ago, in her estimation, that she no longer has to tell me the details.

I'm more in a category with The Road or Lightsout, people with stonewalling spouses.

My W did admit to "Adultery" during prayer a few days ago and said she had made her confessions to god, just not me. I think she will eventually crack.

God Bless
Gamma

Nice to see Gov of SC OW show up at his victory party. So nice. It made for uncomfortable silence during the morning news shows with the wife today.

MSS,

I wanted to solicit some advice from you:

I am struggling a bit with obsessive thinking of the A, yes, stupidly, even 2 years later.

How are you/did you deal with this?

I need some pointers.

Thanks, guy.

HFD-

Im not dealing so great.

Resignation.

I stayed for my kids. Simply put.

Hers was a LTA. A conscious decision for years to be with someone else. Not a fling. Not a bad decision on a girls weekend in the Hamptons.

I really can never forgive that. Ive been trying.

I could forgive a single bj given after a 2 martini lunch, maybe.

This was different. I was involved, my kids were involved.

She decided to destroy this marriage many years ago and selfishly thought I would be forgiving.

Im here for my kids because they, too, didnt ask for this.

As of today, 2013, I have a number of years left before junior heads to college. Ill live a life of resignation and will continue to fake it as Ive done for almost 2-years now.

All bets are off in the summer of 2018. Not so far off, really.

Im working hard to fix my finances and save money. Im still down 20 pounds from predday weight and never healthier.

So, your question about obsessive thinking, its what I do too everyday. I let her try to make me stop thinking about it and the summer of 2018 and mostly shes successful. But, then Ill think of her and him toweling off in a hotel and Im in a convertible driving my boy to school.

Very anti-MB. But you asked how I deal.

(I apologize to the BHs who Ive given what is now disingenuous advice over the last number of months. But, reality is reality.)

Mike, I'm interested in what you said about never being able to forgive. Do you feel that is holding you back? Have you read this thread?


Forgiving your WS????

I've been musing lately why some (me included) have trouble moving forward. I don't see that kiss deserves my forgiveness, not that he has ever asked for it.

Im not eloquent enough to describe my feelings towards forgiveness all that well. I dont have a religious slant towards it. Nor do I have any existential inclination that says that to make the stars align in my life, I need to forgive.

Its deep within me.

OR, Ok, lets just say I forgive her.

Now what? Doesnt make anything go away. Doesnt make the umpteen dozen times he was eating at my table and then was doing her the following morning in his office. Doesnt erase the dozen bj videos he secretly recorded of her. Doesnt make her effing callous contempt for me she held for too long disappear.

Nothing will.

To what end forgiveness?

Im resigned.

Mike I love your posts. Perhaps not standard MB, but very real. They make people like me feel a little less like the bitter bad apple.

I thought I was the only one who used 'to what end'

OK carry on.

Mike even after over 20 years I not sure I have forgiven my W. There are days whenever I can see the POSOM and her together having sex. I am not so sure I made a mistake by letting her come home. I am almost sixty so it is a little late to start over so I deal with it by taking Xanax and have taken it for over 25 years.

Very MB. Dr H calls an affair as a get out of jail card for the BS.

Not every one tries recovery. They go straight through to divorce.

Every one does not make it through recovery.

Your posts are not disingenous.

But why should we agree now.

Mike

I'm 3 months out from D-Day and really struggling with the notion of justice and forgiveness. I've learned about super-natural forgiveness (the Jesus kind) and I've been taught that we can have that same kind towards others. Anyway, the thought of putting everything behind me, and giving up the right to bring it up again and then putting myself back out there to be hurt again is scarey.

Does anyone have any stats on a WW going through recovery and then cheating again down the road a few years?

Friends of ours went through a false recovery 7 years ago and then we just found out that he was still cheating. The thing I'm most afraid of, at this point, is having to face this again in a few years.

I had breakfast with a friend this morning and I told him about this concern. He suggested giving it more time to see if I could start to trust again... It's killing me inside. I wake up at 1:30-2:00 AM some days and just pace the floor thinking about them together. The lies that went on right under my nose for 18 months. I finally slept through the night last night with the help of Tylonol PM.

I have heard Dr Harley say many times a BS should not forgive a WS after an A. I am sure you have heard this as well.

His theory is that forgiveness puts an experience in the �forgive.. and in essence, act as it never happened� category. Not that you forget..but you forgive the debt.

He often uses the analogy if someone owes you $10,000 and they say they can�t pay you back..then you say, Hey, that�s okay I forgive the dept�you are in essence relieving the person of that debt. IE..they can�t pay you back. Moving forward with this person, you act as if the loan never occurred.

Now, if you see them a month later with a new $10,000 boat..well therein lies a bigger issue.

In the case of A, Dr Harley says that a WS should not be forgiven to the extent that they most certainly DO have the ability to pay back the crime by offering Just Compensation.

I chose not to forgive my FWW. I do however choose to try to the best of my ability to make this M great and the hope is that over time (2-5+ years), if we continue with the MB program resentment will fade away.

So the discussion of �to forgive or not� becomes a function of �does the WS have the ability to repay the debt?�. I say yes they do.

I too struggle mightily with the thoughts and visions of the most horrendous acts my FWW committed. What I have learned is that if I dwell on them too long..my mood goes south very quickly. This is not fun. Not enjoyable for me one bit. I try my best to stay in the present as much as possible.


One of the reasons I listen to the radio show everyday is that is a reminder to 'keep centered' on our R. It is very helpful.

Thank you 20YH.

When I was 20 years old, if I did something that "wasted" a year of my life it was no big deal. There were plenty more to make up for it. Now that I'm going to be 50 in a few months, I dont have that same attitude. Putting 2-5 years into something that may not work out in the end, it causing me stress.