x 2

And even after you meet in person, you still have to manage your expectations.

Right now I'm just trying to get dates kicked off so I can experience the contrast effect.

But...rules are already in place. You can't spend this much time on MB without forming those.

Basically I'm looking for:
PA (even though its not one of my top needs - I deserve it! )
FS - I'm not 21 any more. Get a job.(Also not a top need, but again I am deserving )
O&H - my very top need. I can't feel close to anyone without this.

I also want someone who 'gets' POJA. Also someone with a good 'dating attitude' too, i.e. They are also looking around non exclusively, but when push comes to shove they understand that men and women are never really 'just' friends.

That said about POJA, I'm already having a bit of a POJA crisis and I haven't been on one date yet.

I've got two dates in the pipeline. College man and next-town-over man who got to the point and asked me out within a few messages today.

I've already suggested meeting in Liverpool for drinks to College man, but he wants to know what my 'ideal' night out is. He had also said previously we'd do 'anything I want' Blimey, I dunno. As long as its friendly and chilled, I don't care.

But I know how annoying it is to get vague feedback so I was considering giving him a few options. There's iceskating on in town at the moment, with an ice bar. This suggestion could be a huge mistake though. I've always wanted to go iceskating but never have and might make a fool of myself.

I also know a cool noodle bar that is a cheap, tasty secret only the students know about so far.

There's also a Hawaiian bar which serves cool smoking drinks and has great music.

And there's two live music venues which are pretty kickin. College man is in a band and has a music website, so he might like this.

I also suggested to next-town-over man meeting midweek for something chilled. But he also seems to need more guidance.

Pfft! Aren't the men supposed to come up with the dates?! This is all pretty new to me

By rules, I meant more in the way of first impressions...not sure that is the right term.

How far away can he live? I find it odd when people have a 500 mile radius from where they live!!! Really????

I avoided anyone with a screen name like "HotDaddy4U"...no thanks lol. Same for men who felt the need to advertise their half neekid bodies in front of a mirror. NEXT!!! Also, being newly divorced if a man is looking for "THE ONE"...NEXT!! Stuff like that.

I like your suggestions...casual and easy. Ice skating could still be fun even being the first time out but I'm not the one who may eat it lol.

Oh yes, I agree with you on all of those points. There's also a plethora of 'currently separated' people in my age group. I think they should call match 'unmatched.com' because I have specifically ruled out still-married people in my preferences. However I still get them matched with me as part of my daily six.

Other first impression rules are 'average man' profiles. Y'know the type: "I am just an ordinary man who likes eating, sleeping, films and books, breathing oxygen etc...' How dull and lazy is that? Absolutely everyone has something different about them.

Anyone who is negative is also ruled out. I've seen people's intro sentence say things like 'No time wasters please' or 'Plenty of Egos, more like'. Ummmm, cheer up and learn some social skills.

Also on the reject pile are txt spkrs. I have seen attractive people with good jobs completely fill their profile with text message speak and it just makes them look a bit backwards.

I recommend using Match actively rather than passively. You will get a far higher hit rate that way.

Ignore their useless 'matched' suggestions. Use key word searches to find people who meet your age and distance guidelines but who also share your recreational interests. Have more fun still with some really unusual words :-) Then contact them with a fun message that shows you actually read their profile.

I have tried that, but even active searches through up the unsuitables. So it's time consuming. Meanwhile over on POF I have a bunch of messages from suitable people. So the two sites seem to have very different speeds as far as that goes.

I'm keeping an open mind though. If Match only comes up with a few people, but they are great dates, then that's still cool.

I have a feeling my 'dating, not looking for anything serious' preference goes down well on POF but not on Match. Match people tend to be a bit more serious about finding someone. I may find Match to be the better site further down the line after I've done some contrast dating and I'm ready for more....

TRANSLATION:

The married man who got caught by his wife!! (or live-in-girlfriend)

Exactly. So you see why internet dating is a little disconcerting!!!

He could also have broken the rules and been deleted. If he sent someone a sexual message, they would have kicked him out.

Indy, you are 33. Pep is 63. If I were to find myself without a husband, I would only date a filthy rich man . And those guys only want to date women your age.

Internet dating is totally unappealing to me.

I have a friend from nursing school. She is slightly older than myself. She did a lot of internet dating after she was widowed. 5 years ago she married a "doctor" she met online. Then, she moved across country to live in his home. Sold everything. Moved away from her own 2 children. Lives on the same street with his children and grandchildren.

This past Thanksgiving week, I finally met her new husband. They came out west for a visit with her kids, and to empty out her storage unit.

I cannot express to you how repulsed I was by him. He may be a "doctor", but that must have been the ONLY requirement/criteria she had !!!! An ill-mannered boor who insisted on dominating every conversation. This can only mean he is an older man with huge & ginormous insecurities. The effort it must take on her part to feed his ego must be nothing short of completely exhausting. My husband and I were exhausted after one hour in his presence. During that visit, he constantly kept one hand on her. He may have thought he was expressing his love and devotion, but both hubby and I got the "stay here where I can keep an eye on you at all times" vibe from him. He creeped us both out. And, Mr Pep is not easily creeped out. Neither am I.

Internet dating? I donno. I'd rather meet someone at a produce display.

Well actually, filthy rich is part of the plan!!!


I would be extremely happy to remain single forever if need be. So I don't think I'm in danger of 'settling' the bar as low as this! I'm not infallible from making mistakes though. Its another reason I've started this thread. The more MB eyes looking out for red flags, the better. Plus you lot are much quicker to 2x4 than RL people.


I'd love to. But no one talks at the produce display!

I have friends, married and single, who have 'been there, done that' on these sites and they say I probably won't meet my spouse online, because its easier to judge a prospect in person. The friend who met her fiance online, however says: 'never say never'

But they say its a good way to get my numbers up in terms of Dr Hs 30 dates. In your 30s you simply don't meet people who are single and eligible every day like you do in your 20s. I don't know anyone in RL who is dateable.

Did your friend do any contrast dating btw? Did she meet the guy before moving?

I am getting lots of 'pen pal' type vibes from people who are writing to me but are not asking me out. Its like they want to fall in love online without meeting (or get me to).

My friends say ditch anyone who doesn't want to meet within a fortnight. Whereas I think two weeks is too long to message someone!

I'm also quite encouraged that I am seeing people on these sites that I do know somewhat in RL, like the old college friend. My neighbour is online too. But he's not hot. Or filthy rich!

Why did she start communicating with someone so far away in the first place?

People who message me from far away (Italy is the record so far!) simply get ignored.

Because he is an MD.

Me too! Mutual friends making introductions works well--if you trust the judgment of the friends!

Oh I'm already exploring that avenue. My friends all know I'm open to fix ups.

However, like me, they don't know anyone eligible in RL.

This is the issue with modern, renters relationships. Even when men in their 30s aren't married, they tend to be living with someone.

Even though people get married later now, and the divorce rate is 50 per cent (which should give me a decent dating pool to shop in) - everyone is living together.

I know lots of people who've had people move in while they are still only separated. Or they have never been married, they just get a new partner every five years.

But sane people are out there. They do exist.

Yes they do. When my friend told me about my now dh my first question was, 'why is he divorced?' I will never forget the slight shrug as he said, 'wife flipped out and left the marriage.' When I later told my dh that our friend said that he went to explain with, 'yes, but, and um...' finally he just dropped his shoulders and said, 'yeah, that about sums it up.'

Sometimes women do just walk away from perfectly good men. I have known my dh for 2 1/2 years now and married to him for over 2 and I am still in a state of shock that a woman would leave him. I have met many many many of his family and friends and they all say the same thing....'she just went crazy.'

Yea me.

Nice to hear you are open to love.

Have you thought of trying eharmony in the uk?

I have heard they are pretty tough on cracking down on married people (even legally separated ones) trying to use the site.

That is a good thing as far as I can see and I am kindof thinking match.com and POF don't care much about that aspect of users.

I get the idea that POF is one step off from a certain cheating website anyway, from the quality of people that generally get seen there...

In some ways that's good (for me) though. The fact that there is an option for 'intimate encounters' mean cards are on the table.

Because the trawling-for-tail types are quite open and blatant, it means they tend to mainly bother each other. Since I set my preferences and made sure my pics don't send the wrong message, I haven't seen any of that.

Yes but at the end of the day, you have to use your own 'filters' and common sense.

I applaud eHarmony in that respect regarding married people, wish they all did that.

However it is eye wateringly expensive and no one has a good word to say about it.

If Match is full of slightly too serious 'want a relationship right now' types, people say eHarmony is even more so.

I really need to just date and get my feet wet right now. I couldn't abide going on a date with someone looking for 'the one'. I've had friends go on dates where they were asked for exclusivity after one hour!

Hey indie

Just saw an advert for eharmoney and thought of you.
They have a deal at the moment of free communication weekend.
You can give it a try and should you ever look for something more serious down the line then you know if its an option.

Other sites my single mates reccomend are, smooch and uniformdating.com

Good luck with the dating game I have followed your thread and amazing growth since the start and I am rooting for you.