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How does one do those various, separate quotes. I'm an idjit sometimes... Push the quote button on any post. You'll see the entire wording of that post, surrounded by two "tags" that look sort of like this: {quote=lookin4thehandle}How does one do those various, separate quotes. I'm an idjit sometimes... {/quote} Those "quote" things in square brackets are the "tags." Put tags around anything, and it'll show up as a quote. So after you've hit quote on a message, if you want to split it into two quoted parts, or add something else quoted, just add quote tags at the beginning and end. The quote tags use square brackets (I changed them to curly here so they would show for you, but look at this on a real post). The end tag has a slash: [/quote] . The beginning tag, you can add = and a name to show who it was written from, but that's optional.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Awesome posts, Markos!!! Hope you are listening, L4..
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Awesome posts, Markos!!! Hope you are listening, L4.. I'm listening.
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No change in our situation so far. We'll talk to Steve Wednesday and then we'll more than likely proceed with the separation. We've reached agreement on custody (joint) and assets. POJA?
Our state is a non no-fault divorce state. There must be grounds; adultery, one spouse has been convicted of a felony, habitual drunkeness or you have been separated/living apart for at least 18 months. A lot can happen in a year and a half.
No AOs just an incredible sadness from time to time...thanks everyone I'll keep ya updated.
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... you have been separated/living apart for at least 18 months. A lot can happen in a year and a half. There is hope. If he really wants to give this another shot, he can do it from a different place of residence.
Me-41 (WW)
DH-46 (BH)
DD-7, DS-11, DD-15
Together 20 years, married 16
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[quote=marcos He says that if the resentment is still present, it is a sign that either the recovery is not complete (a happy marriage has not been achieved IN THE PRESENT) or that somebody is using the resentment as a weapon to extract demands out of their spouse (what he calls "secondary gain," which you can read about in the Q&A section of this site -- let me know if you want a link)./]
I would appreciate that link, I can't seem to find it. Hmmm my quoting needs more work...
Last edited by lookin4thehandle; 08/20/12 07:25 PM.
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He says that if the resentment is still present, it is a sign that either the recovery is not complete (a happy marriage has not been achieved IN THE PRESENT) or that somebody is using the resentment as a weapon to extract demands out of their spouse (what he calls "secondary gain," which you can read about in the Q&A section of this site -- let me know if you want a link). I would appreciate that link, I can't seem to find it. Hmmm my quoting needs more work... YAY!! Old dogs and new tricks...thanks...
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Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness. There are many unpleasant thoughts that have this characteristic, and I have helped many people let them go by helping them destroy the usefulness of the thought. Making sure that S.K.'s husband never gets what he wants by bringing up her affair will help him overcome his resentment.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Thank you for posting the link BrainHurts. I've actually read that before but it's been awhile. I may have subconciously started practicing that in relation to my need for affection about 6 months into recovery...
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Those Ts&Cs would be to perform the nuclear exposure that you declined to enact last year, as a vehicle to your announcement that the two of you are terminating your marriage due to the lingering effects of LL's affair with OM. There is no way that LL should effect an exit from your marriage with her ability intact to broadcast the lie that the two of you would no longer be together because of your anger issues. I've been thinking about this. We didn't tell anyone (talking about family) specifically why were counseling and didn't tell her side that we were even counseling unless she told them. About 6 months into this recovery process right after I was nasty with Dr. Harley and argued with him on the private forum I kind of broke down or something. Got me some gin and called my oldest sissy up and told her of my woes in an unmanly crying jag. Then one morning (no gin involved) after another unmanly crying, weeping episode with LL I told our son what was going on. He wanted to know because he heard us and said that he had never heard me cry before. So when LL went to work I filled him in (without all the unmanly bawling and carrying on this time). That brings us to now. Since LL wants a separation I've filled my brother and another sissy in on the goings on without all the bawling thank goodness. LL says she's told her dad. So not telling anyone sooner was probably a mistake as was the crying and stuff...
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LL says she's told her dad. Let's assume she's NOT lying (That loud "Crack" was hell freezing over, btw!). This would be a good time to have a mano-a-mano chat with FIL expressing your hope that you and LL can work through the destruction caused by WW LL's initiating adultery, and subsequent abandonment of your marriage, and asking him to assist your joint recovery in whatever way he can. (And is FIL her only relative?) But be sure to can the (edit)ing booze and tears. Neither will work to your advantage.
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L4TH, I think a more objective look at this is in order:
LL conducted an electronic affair, complete with sexually explicit photos and likely telephonic mutual auto-eroticism. You discovered this, and bulled through her deceitful trickle-truths until you were able to achieve disclosure and contact with OMW. (As I read the history, you did NOT perform a nuclear exposure.) In spite of her treachery, you offered LL the gift of forgiveness and a possible reconciliation, working with the MB program. (This would have brought us to June 2011, yes?)
So, a year later, you (and LL, and we) learn that you were NOT Superman, and were flawed to the extent that your resentment broke through via AOs on occasion. On that basis, "poor little LL" has decided to ask (demand?) a separation. Really? So she planted the minefield, pushed you out into it, and now is pissed off that you triggered one, blowing a hole in her flower garden.
Here's what I would recommend: Prepare for the separation, under your terms and conditions. Those Ts&Cs would be to perform the nuclear exposure that you declined to enact last year, as a vehicle to your announcement that the two of you are terminating your marriage due to the lingering effects of LL's affair with OM. There is no way that LL should effect an exit from your marriage with her ability intact to broadcast the lie that the two of you would no longer be together because of your anger issues.
Boy, I hope LL is still reading here...... As someone who is similarly struggling with the aftermath of having NOT conducted a nuclear exposure, I see a lot of wisdom in NG's strategy advice. Her choice to quit and take the easy way out -- causing additional, lifetime, permanent harm to you and your children, should be accompanied by every consequence of her decision, including nuclear exposure. The gift of being able to blame YOU for the demise of your marriage (for reasons she will no doubt magnify by 100X) is one she also shouldn't have. IMHO. Wishing you the best and hope you can turn things around.
BH (Me): 50
WW (Her): 44
Married 22 years
DD15, DD10
D-Day) 3/18/11
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I have been the bad guy throughout this entire ordeal before and now. I have definitely, no doubt about it made mistakes here but as God is my witness things ARE NOT entirely as they have been portrayed. L4TH, Just wanted to say that I really feel your pain on this point. It's amazing how quickly some people (no matter what their credentials) will take an unbelievably strong position in favor of one side or the other equipped with only a tiny fraction of the details which are at best completely one-sided, and at worst complete slander.
BH (Me): 50
WW (Her): 44
Married 22 years
DD15, DD10
D-Day) 3/18/11
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Just wanted to say that I really feel your pain on this point. It's amazing how quickly some people (no matter what their credentials) will take an unbelievably strong position in favor of one side or the other equipped with only a tiny fraction of the details which are at best completely one-sided, and at worst complete slander. You lost me, Driven. What are you REALLY saying, here? Because you appear to have some sort of point you're trying to make, yet you seem to be just a tad....scared? wimpy?...about making your point. So, what IS your point?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Well, well, well, on 25 August you decide to weigh in supporting my post of 15 August. Sure would been nice to have some support when I (and L4TH) were trying to defend his position against the horde of WW LL apologists and enablers. Sadly, your belated concurrence with my brilliant posting is analogous to a scout deciding to inform Col. Custer on 28 June 1876, NOT to assault the camp at the Little Big Horn. ![[Linked Image from kshs.org]](http://www.kshs.org/publicat/khq/1946/graphics/46_4_taft376-c.jpg) A little too late, in either case, to prevent an unfortunate result! L4TH: Did you ever speak to FIL?
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L4TH: Did you ever speak to FIL? LTL and her dad have not been close for most of her life. He's in his 70s and he wants to be closer to her and his only grandson (biological) now. I've met him once and he seems a really decent man. We good naturedly pick at each other during college football season via text a few times a year. I'm not going to come between him and his daughter this late in life. MIL ? That woman is the most manipulative, self-centered, selfish woman/person I've ever met (trust me; LTL would agree) and no good for anyone would come from informing her. She is too much of a wild card and I really don't know the aunts, uncles etc. I posted of informing my siblings and I wished I had done so from the beginning, simply for the support. I believe it would have helped me stay on a more even keel. The agreement we've come to thus far concerning assets and custody have been more than fair for me and if it stays that way I'm going to wish LTL the best and not stir up a possible hornets nest with such a late exposure which I certainly don't believe would do any good. I'll continue to read and learn and who knows what a year and a half will bring...Thanks for the support NeverGuessed, you're a wise man.
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L4TH,
Just wanted to say that I really feel your pain on this point. Thank you driven...
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I see you back posting, l4. How are things with your marriage?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I see you back posting, l4. How are things with your marriage? Thanks for asking SC. It looks like we're headed for a divorce. Personal indignities are grounds that can expedite the process in our state. LTL is the plaintiff and will be filing on those grounds, the custody and asset division issues are acceptable to me so I've agreed to go the uncontested route...we've already received a first draft and everything looks to be in order. We're still in the same home but sleeping in different rooms. No AO's from me and we're amiable enough towards each other but not enough to recover, and that's where we're sitting.
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