Affairs are an addiction.

That is how you need to start seeing your WW...she is an addict.


Think of her as an alcoholic and OM is her drink. Her behaviour will start to make more sense to you and you will then be able to kill the affair once you start to see the addiction aspect here.


Most addicts cannot quit cold turkey...but they are very good at making you believe that they have. Meanwhile, they get better at hiding it.


My FWH had a secret cell phone and secret e-mail accounts while, at home, he was the picture of a sincerely remorseful loving husband. I did not understand the power of the addiction. You do not seem to understand the power of the addiction either.


I could have KILLED the affair much faster if I had just simply installed a keylogger and put a VAR /GPS in his car.


I don't know why you are ignoring everything we tell you when we have all been through this and are speaking from experience. Your WW is textbook wayward.

Are you reading our posts, AW? It doesn't seem like you are taking any of the advice. If you don't take the advice, you probably are not going to make it.

Your idea of "progress" is if she treats you nicely. That is not progress. As you can see, that just changes from second to second.

Our idea of "progress" is having a plan to save your marriage. Having no plan is a plan to fail. Hope is not a plan.

When she is pleasant to you, that is because you form one-half of her addiction.

She is addicted to having two people meet her needs, so she needs to keep you sweet.

One day nice, next day not interested. That is the pattern you have seen because she is still in contact, still conducting her affair.

She has even admitted it to you. She is only home 'to see if there is someting still there' FIRST. Once she's assuaged her conscience regarding breaking up her children's home she will be back off to the OM. So of course she has kept some contact going meanwhile.

You need to lower her guard by pretending you are not suspicious. Acting so suspiciously around her is only tipping your hand ahead of time

Make your contact with her super pleasant and snoop around on the side. She won't wake up from this until all the secrets are out there for all to see. So talking to her about how you feel is a waste of effort.

Arthur,

What plan are you doing to fight for your marriage?

Plan Marriage Builders or Plan Arthur?

Put a keylogger on her computer and a VAR in her car.

Here Keylogger Programs
VAR

I would also direct you to OI forum for snooping tips, or just ask us.

When job #1 is out of the way, we can give you some good tips on how to handle her when she's being aloof.

IG,

When she is pleasant to you, that is because you form one-half of her addiction....She is addicted to having two people meet her needs, so she needs to keep you sweet.

That's quite insightful Indie, so the OM and BH are just different kinds of drugs. WW used to get the blue and red pills from BH, now she gets the red from OM, but still needs the blue from BH.

Sometimes it is difficult to understand why the wayward spouse stays with the betrayed spouse especially since the affair has made the betrayed spouse damaged goods. This explanation goes pretty far in offering a reason.

God Bless
Gamma

Its important to remember though that women find it much harder to compartmentalise two different lives than men do. Though we have seen women in long term affairs, they tend to withdraw into the A sooner than men

Eventually they feel forced to choose between, as you aptly put it, the two different types of drugs.

Obviously they are going to go for the new shiny Affair one, which gives greater flights of fancy. Not realising the effect is very dull without the marriage-drug as a base.

I think I'm finally starting to see the light, and have begun implementing plan A.

One important thing to note. We had a big fight the other night because I told WW that she can't go to the conference, and needs to cut off contact with the male friend to whom she sent the photo.

She was completely irrational. Told me that if I forbade her from going to the conference, that we may as well get divorced as she would be committing occupational suicide. Also said she hated me.

The next day I relented and said she could go, that I didn't want her to throw her career away and she immediately became so sweet and nice to me.

It seems that you guys are the experts in this for a reason, and I'll be following your advice more closely moving forward.

Will OM be at the conference? This is not a good idea to let her go if he will be there.

Of course she's happy because she gets to see her OM.

Yes, OM will be attending.

The reason that I relented was so that I could do plan A more effectively. I don't want her to be on her guard and paranoid. Better for her to relax a little bit, right?

My goal is for plan A to be finished before the conference.

The worst thing you can do would allow her to go to that conference with OM. You might as well hand over your wife to him.

Yes Plan A, but both carrot and stick. What snooping techniques do you have in place?

Carrot and Stick of Plan A

I agree with you. My intention here is not to let her go at all, but for her to chill out while I gather more information about what is really going on. Once I have enough evidence, and before the conference, I'll expose the issue.

I have concerns that she may find this forum, so I don't want to say what I've put into place. However, I'm no longer sitting idly by.

Ok, well I'm glad you're following the MB plans.

Why do you think she's reading here?

Maybe just a little bit of paranoia but I've mentioned the site and Dr. Harvey's writings a number of times during our discussions of the last couple of weeks. So I'm sure she's checked out the site.

If she happened to come to the forum, it wouldn't be too difficult to figure out who I am, or who I'm talking about.

I really wouldn't worry about that. She would never recognise herself or your marriage from the description here! It would go much differently from her perspective.

Plus pretty much every new thread from a BH reads like yours. Stories are very similar.

But to be on the safe side, stop mentioning MB.

I see what you are saying about making her drop her guard for snooping purposes.

However when you can, Plan A in earnest. Plan A involves being a reasonable spouse. Not a nicey-nice spouse, a reasonable one.

No reasonable spouse would sit back and let their wife go meet up with the OM. It suggests you don't care very much. So that line needs to be drawn in the sand as soon as you can.

Don't let her get too used to the entitlement to indulge in her A fantasy for too long.


Plan A is both carrot and stick. However you would not forewarn about the exposure, which is also a 'stick' of Plan A. So I understand what you mean though about not showing your hand before you are ready.

It's pat of the Art of War (against the A) - When strong appear weak.

The reason that I relented was so that I could do plan A more effectively.

No, the reason you relented is that you are a coward, afraid of maintaining a position incurring WW's wrath.

It will certainly be high on her list of duties to remember your attention to Plan A while she's on her back, with POSOM sweating above her. And you'd rather she commit marital homicide than occupational suicide????

The Duke would not approve!

She is the one who started occupational suicide (very telling, since suicide is the killing of self, not another).
She put those actions into motion.
Don't let her put that on your plate.

Do not let her threat of divorce get a reaction out of you other than you responding
"I want a romantic, monogamous marriage with you." (memorize this to use it whenever it fits).

Are you joking?? Plan A has nothing to do with agreeing for your spouse to make marriage wrecking decisions. All you did was enable her affair. Why in the world would you agree for your wife to stay in contact with her OM??

Unless she ends contact for LIFE, recovery is impossible. IMPOSSIBLE!!

You don't understand what Plan A even means and are making serious, strategic mistakes.

Your intention was to avoid conflict at any and all cost.

See, we have completely different goals. Yours is to avoid conflict at ANY cost and ours is to save your marriage.

You are not going to make it if you refuse to follow this program. You have just about destroyed any chance of saving your marriage and there is nothing we can do if you continue to REFUSE to follow our advice.

What kind of a husband allows his wife to go meet her lover at an out of town conference? A HUSBAND WHO DOES NOT CARE, THAT'S WHO!!