My family have known for years.but they have their pride,status at stake if i even mention a word about seperating.i thought i was doing the right thing if all my family was sayin"stik it out,thats what women do".now ive realised i was right all along.

Thanks ,havin someone to talk to has really helped.

I ll have to check out with my health centre how to get him into that program

Yes you are.

Dr. Harley would tell you to separate and not get back with him until he has completed an anger management program.

Can you do this? What is your plan?

Please read this.
What to do With an Angry Husband

Thanku soooooo much.i needed those points to see where i am with him.he doesnt and will not recognise that he has a problem its always my fault,well hes gonna be out of the house for a year then!!this is exactly what he deseves after putting the whole family thru this.

You're welcome.

So what is your plan to get him out?

Sally,

You know what's best for you and your children. I'll only say, please be safe and have an escape plan ready in case he becomes violent when you ask him to leave. The first 30 days separated is the most dangerous time: that's when some try to kill their spouses.

If you call your local shelter, they can help you develop a plan. They'll help you think through changing locks/garage codes, bank accounts, your children's safety, etc.

This is not easy - and you are very, very brave!!

Hes away on business so i have time to think .ive spoken to a domestic violence helpline.theyve told me what needs to be done and the options i have.u know the scary thing is i still care about him in some way being with him for my whole life.not in a million years did i think id be doing this someday.one minute i want him back but then i think about what hes done to me.all my life ive been open n honest with him.the thing that hurts the most and the thing i cant move on from is that he used me for his benefit n manipulated,lied his whole life thru our marriage.id like to share something with u,during one of our major fights where he had involved the older child he said to us,"ur mums not scared of me anymore"!! What?this is just one of the things that have come out during last year.

Brainhurts,
Thanks for the links.
If he doesnt leave then i can move in with my mum with the kids for a while.until things r sorted.the house is on both our names and as the kids. will stay with me ill be staying in the house.the kids welfare comes first.ive spoken to a solicitor about the house etc.

Of course, friend.

The feeling of love will last for awhile until you get away from him. That's what abusers count on, that the victim feels "love" for them. Please just focus on your plan. There is a saying here at MB "feelings follow actions"'

Your first action is your safety and your children's safety.

What is your date to be away from him?

Too right.im gettin things sorted before he gets back.i ll get. it all done while i can.when he gets back ill tell him then ill know what plan to take.even though i care about him i feel sick when he touches me,i hate it.

I can tell you I know exactly how you feel. It is extremly hard to take that first step to get away from the abuse. It is even harder to NOT let the abuser try to lead you back into the abusive situation to which you have lived. It is not love. It is all control and manipulation to keep control of you. That is not love.

You can get away. You can be happy. You will become healthy. The thing to remember, as a victim of abuse, you can break free. You will be ok. Let me correct that, you will thrive and be better, happier, and healthier than you ever thought possible.

I know it is scary. I have walked that path (I had never been hit, abuse is abuse, some just are not seen). There is that shining light at the end. Follow it.

Logans run,
Thanks,uve given me hope.im glad i found this site.only u know what im going thru.family n friends are there but they dont know what ur really feeling.this has given me strength,thanks

Logans run,
If its ok withu can u share the tipping moment with us ,what he said or did that has stayed with u.
How long did it take u to leave from the first time u knew that this had to stop?

Sally, there were many tipping moments for me along with much wavering on my part. The biggest thing is getting a plan lined up and act on it. The biggest factor for me was what was I teaching my children? I did not want them to grow up and think that it was ok to be treated this way or treat someone they "loved" the way I was being treated. They deserve better, I deserve better. It is time to break the cycle. How old are your children?

You have much strength with in you, more than you know. You have lived through years of abuse with the abuser continously underminning your sense of self worth and thoughts that you cannot live without him. Thing is you can live without him. You do not deserve this, never have, and it is not your fault.

Get your plan together, act on it. It will be easier since he is away on a business trip.

Ur absolutely right about the kids seeing this.the thing i cant forgive him for is when he came home once and came running upstairs,u know theres gonna be trouble when he walks that way!do u know what im talkin about !anyway i was playing scrabble with the youngest ,he comes barging in he had so much anger in his eyes i thought he was going to kill me.when he started yelling,swearing etc my five year old froze.i had never seen him so scared .by me staying with him for the kids sake as i was a mental n emotional wreck thanks to him i was putting my kids thru the same thing.not anymore i went to to my g.p. N got some councilling which is where i realised the root of everything HIM.

Have you read all the links that BH posted for you?

It is recommended that the spouse separates from the abuser for a period of ayear while the abuser attends anger management and works on changing their behavior.

What is your plan Sally?

I intend on seperating.yep ive read the article .the thing is ive told himover n ovrr again that he needs help.he just wont go there.he says his behaviour is a reaction to mine!!??ive asked him that we need time apart but he wont go there.he acts like everythigs fine.

I intend on seperating.

That is not a plan.

This is a plan:

Prior to H's return home on xxxxxday evening, I will have already pre-positioned a three day supply of clothing, etc, for myself and my kids at place of safety (Mom's?)

When H arrives home, he will find (brother, father, uncle, pastor?) at home with me. I will tell him he has two hours to pack enough clothes to get him through the immediate future, and LEAVE.

A - If he does, I will stay there with the protection of the males mentioned, and watch him go. Immediately on his leaving, I will have XXXXXX change the locks on all outside doors, including GARAGE access, or change just one lock and install sliding deadbolts on all other doors.

B - If he does NOT, I will pack up the children at that moment, and remove us all to place of safety. Once there, I will contact Family Services, Legal Aid, abused woman's shelter, and police, and alert them to events. I will call all family, friends, etc, and tell them where I will be staying.

Do you see the difference?

NG is right Sally. I intended on seperating many times, only to fall back. I listened to hollow words and broken promises. The cycle will repeat and continue to escalate, eventually the physical violence will not be just yourself, it will happen (if not already) to your children.

It was said to me several times that this is akin to running out of a forest fire with your children strapped to your back. Do you want to live in a forest fire with your children? Your husband is the forest fire.

Maybe he can make the changes within himself for a happy and loving marriage and family. Then again, maybe not. He has to do the work. In the mean time you and your children need to be safe. Where you are right now, your children and yourself are not safe.