I can't believe you posted this.

Seriously, dude? We are here trying to help you save your marriage and instead of responding to our posts and following the advice, you do this?

If you want to save your marriage, then you need to man up and stop placating your wife at the expense of your marriage. Tell her under no circumstances will you agree for her to go to this conference or any other place that the POSOM is attending.

What is the plan to prevent her from going to this conference? Have you called the OM's wife to discuss this?

First off, the affair is not over. She plans on seeing him at a conference. [with your blessing, i might add ] She has not ended contact. And secondly, the purpose of exposure is to kill the affair for good and to enlist the support of others to hold her accountable. Exposure helps the affairees see themselves as others see them. The affair should be exposed REGARDLESS of whether you think they are in current contact.



And lastly, you are not going to make it if you don't step up here and stop avoiding conflict. You are enabling her affair in every way by agreeing for her to go see her lover at the conference and by helping her keep the secret. You won't make it if you don't buck up here.

Dr. Harley in Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

Hi Melody,

Thanks for this....

Everything that you've said is right and accurate.

I need to step up and slay the beast, and under no circumstances can my WW be allowed to go to the conference.

Her lack of attendance will impact her career. Her boss is one of the keynote speakers and is including some of her work in his lecture. But that's just going to need to be another casualty of her actions. She won't see it that way, at least not now, but maybe one day.

Listen, my friend, we know this is hard. Very hard. But it is the right thing to do for your marriage. Your wife needs you to stand up for your marriage. We will be right here to help you and support you all the way if you will do the right thing.

You CAN stand up and slay the beast. Yes, you can.

Expose the affair and then lower the boom about the conference. Ending contact with the OM is a non negotiable extraordinary precaution. It is profoundly disrespectful to you and is a direct risk to your marriage.

You can choose to be a KNIGHT instead of a SERF today. You can make that choice today.

Her AFFAIR has impacted her career.

ML uses strong language to cut through the affair babble your wife is generating and disabling you with. In turn you have to be very clear with your wife. Exposure will de-fog the foggy environment your wife maintains around herself and her lover. I think of Adam and Eve realizing they are naked, their sin is exposed, and Satan is recognized by all for who he really is. That's the deal.

If (when!) you expose to your wife's company's HR director, AND to her boss, they can and will support your marriage by dis-encouraging her to attend the conference. Maybe they will even help prevent her attendance. This is NOT VENGEFULNESS on your part. Though she will not like it.

There are so many benefits of exposure. In your case, your WW's boss may be/should be the one to prevent her attendance at the conference.

AW, I did not do an effective enough job of workplace exposure. I very much regret this. What happened was the A went underground. Now, my un-fogged H says he WANTED to maintain NC, to stop the A, but he could not. He lasted 4 days, then the A resumed for 5 1/2 months. Total exposure would have eliminated this devastating false recovery. Even after we moved across the continent, my H could not stop the A. It is that powerful, that much of an addiction.

Follow the path outlined here. It works. Exposure is the first step. And totally necessary.

Very much agree he should expose at work. HOWEVER, AW has to be the one who DEMANDS she never sees the OM again. It is his job to protect his boundaries and he can't sub that out to others. Extraordinary precautions to prevent another affair is the job of the WS and it is the job of the BS to ensure they are implemented.

Of course, ML is correct.
Once you expose to the workplace, AW, they will very likely support you in preventing your WW from attending that conference. It is your job to protect your marriage by demanding from her that she not attend.

Just to add, Exposure is needed in ALL cases.

Even As that ended 20 years previously are exposed.

It sends a very bad message for a BS to cover up the tracks of an adulterer. A remorseful cheat will face the music and make changes to restore and earn back her reputation.

A remorseful spouse won't expect a free pass.