Oh cheers, NB, that's definitely worth a go. Thanks for thinking of me





Really?! Those UD ads are so cheesy! I guess you never know what works till you try, do you?

I don't know about UD I just thought u might get more professional and courteous people there.

Smooch is run of the mill free site and has its fair share of pervs but if u can weed the good from the bad u might find something there. My closest friend married a match from there although he was gay and met his now husband there.

I am sorry to be the devil's advocate but do you ever think that our WS have put us in a place to think about men and love all the time when we could have other priorities in life at the exact moment ? I mean they make us like them ...

Worth a try



Hardly!!!

Most As are not the result of sensible dating, where you compare and contrast eligible candidates. Most As are the result of two people thinking they are soul mates, simply because they are friends.

In fact As are caused by people not thinking ENOUGH about the OS, and the contrast effect. There is no contrast effect in marriage, and when a single contrast effect is introduced in the shape of a friendship, the AP looks better than anyone else in the world.

My aim is not to think in terms of 'soul mates' like they do, and to not fall into an unsuitable relationship due to the lack of contrast effect.

Instead, I am taking Dr Hs advice to date at least 30 people in order to set up a proper contrast effect.

Have you read his advice on doing that? It really is very good.



All the time??!! Only waywards do that. Let their career and life goals go to hell etc. Because of the addictive nature of 'soul mate' affairs. Contrast dating actually leaves you feeling pretty cool, because you don't attach to any one person.



Well if my H had NOT had an affair, then I would still consider love as a high priority! My marriage always came first.

But because I am single and dating, love is not a priority at all. It is impossible for people you are only just meeting to be any kind of priority. And obviously I am not in love. Neither do I hope to be in love in the near future. The contrast effect will protect me from feeling more than I should.

I think the advice to date 30 people is not about the contrast effect
but
to find someone you like and feel attracted to who meets your five most important emotional needs. Additionally, you would need to meet their five most important emotional needs to be a potentially great match.

You've got to watch those southern boys!

Wow Pep, sounds just like my MIL. I think Indie is too independent and self sufficient to fall into the mid 60's desperation trap. LOL

She just let a guy move in with her after 3 weeks, knowing about his 3 ex wives in 9 years, the two women he cheated on the wives with, and knowing he's a player because he said he's rich. Despite her kicking him out, she let im come back and now her children don't speak to her.

The wonderful man who's so wonderful was a pompous jerk and controlling boar, but she thinks he's taking care of her!

Yes but without contrast effect it's possible to fall for someone who only meets one or two needs.

Like Pep's friend going for an MD.
If she had met someone equally successful who had other attributes too, her feelings for him would have suffered in contrast.

My goal here is not to GET a relationship, really but to avoid that trap. I would actually be very sad to give up being single at this point. New years eve with my girls was a blast! It easily beat any NY I had with my H, because he wasn't very good at RC.

But if I don't make an effort to date sensibly, there is a high chance of my developing an attraction to someone who only meets a couple of needs..

In short, giving up my fun and freedom for someone unsuitable.

So the goal is not to get a relationship but avoid the wrong ones.

Dr H says women do very well alone and have no need to marry, whereas men tend to suffer from not having a woman in their lives.

The American has now vanished too. He was giving me very elaborate compliments which seemed 'too much' to me, so my replies were a bit stilted. Then he said something about being better at conversation in person, so I suggested we meet.

So he's never replied. I would guess those pictures were private for a less innocent reason and he never had any intention of meeting. I think when people are shovelling on the attention and appearing infatuated, its because they want you to become attached to them very quickly. While hiding the truth behind their computer.

I am wary, but I think that's good. If people don't want to meet its because they want to stay hidden.

Q: in a world that's this electronically adavanced (Skype, net, phone etc) do the 30 dates have to be going out and meeting in person??

Saying that though indie i am totally clueless about dating since haven't had to do it in 14 years despite only being 31 but wondered for you if you can't increase the dating field by dating on Skype with let's say a military guy or a guy who isnt too local erc using Skype and emails for example.

I'm not experienced at dating so I'm using my reporter skills to separate fact from fiction.

If people do, as they claim, live near me, then they should have no problem meeting up. The only way to uncover a fact is to have it verified.

Is their stated photo/age/weight truthful and recent? I don't know, let's meet up and see.

Do they work where they say they do? Maybe. Let me call him at work and we'll see! After we've met and exchanged proper information, of course.

Plus my bullsquirt radar works far better in person. Its pretty easy to lie convincingly via email.

I don't understand why anyone would try to date long distance like this.

How are you going to get any RC/fun dates or a simple meaningful connection with someone you aren't going to meet in person?

I don't even know how you would find them attractive. Pictures can give an idea of whether they are attractive, but there's no way to know without meeting up.

i agree w/indie here. her goal is to meet people and have some fun over the next year. why add complications?

i think it's smart to stick with geographically desirable people, but mostly because the internet allows for a giant-size pile of b.s. in the dating game, and meeting in the flesh is the easiest way to try and circumvent that.

I was under the understanding that the reccomended 30 dates were I order to gain various experiences so eventually when the time is right to choose a life partner that can be a better informed decision.

I'm not saying date exclusively by email I'm simply suggesting that using Skype to set up a date with someone (preferably not cyber date kind of thing) can be just as exiting if the person your on a date with is creative and good at conversation as opposed to meeting a guy for a drink in a pub or having to rack your brains out to think of activities to do when you don't even know what each other likes and you can then extend the geographical area of your search. It's a shame to let a good funny and intelligent guy go because he lives too far and give a boring run of the mill date a go because he's local.

It's just a POV.

Ps when I met my DH we ere pen pals for 6 month before meeting as he lived far away (there was no Internet at the time and just saying that makes em feel old lol). So I guess I must be a little more enamoured with the idea of long distance dating.

Did you have a way of verifying truth though? Had you met him in person? That makes a difference, I think. If not, then I think you got very lucky!

Its something that could work for some peple. I've heard Dr H say it is entirely possible to fall in love online, so of course contrast effect is easily achieved online too.

It just wouldn't work for me for a number of reasons. One, I hate Skype. I don't use it even for dear friends who live far away. I just dislike the method.

Two, my PA need relates mostly to height. I have lost count of the number of times I've seen a man's pic and thought 'Hmm he's only so-so' or 'Oh he's lovely!'to then meet in person and their height/build completely changes my first feeling. I can't judge from written heights either, I have to see it.

I also think if any of my dates are online only, the contrast effect will be fake. Its easy to present yourself as perfect online because its not RL. I don't think RL guys will compare well with a tribe of 'practically perfect' men.

Basically I want to have fun. And a Skype date is my idea of hell and an email date.. Well I am already emailing people and I have no idea if I will like them when we meet. I also don't take what they say as absolute truth.

My MO is going to be to meet for drinks/coffee as a sort of 'pre-interview'. With a get out clause plan in place if they are a goon.

I'm not going to plan activities because we should make sure we get on and have a chance to discuss our interests before making a real date.

As for geography, I'm pretty lucky. I'm within easy reach of many cities.

The guy I'm meeting on Saturday is from another country! He's taking the train in from Wales.

My DH was suggested to me as a penpal by a mutual friend so I knew he was vetted and also we were only 17 at the time so didn't really have to worry about his marital status.

I definitely get what you mean now about visual vetting Indie especially when you pointed out the height thing.


I have a few lovely single friends who are trying to date right now and all they keep getting asked out on dates by are pervs, Turkish/polish guys who are very likely already married or unemployed time wasters. It could be because we are in London but it could be because those lovely funny and confident British lads are in serious short supply.

Really hope u find some fun dates and keep us posted.

When I met my dh I had been praying to God that if I needed a man in my life to please send him to me. At the same time dh was praying to God that if He thought he should have a mate to please send her to him...and dh added to that
"But please God I cannot deal with a bunch of dating so let the first one be The One". LOL.



Dating 30 people is dh and my idea of torture. But we were mid 40 and so had a fair amount of life experience to know what we wanted and what we didnt. plus trusted friends introduced us.

You Indie sound really excited about that prospect though...of dating a lot. .and so I say enjoy!

Well luckily I enjoy meeting people. And I believe god helps those who help themselves

I suppose I'm also encouraged by my friend's recent 30 date trial. She didn't go the distance though. She fell in love with No 14! A lovely guy who gets the MB stamp of approval in my book

Still there's no telling what my attitude will be like after a string of disasters!