Thank you. Is there a template for a 'letter to the other BS'? I found the others but not that one.

My WW has been forcoming with details, she's answered everything I've asked to this point. I know who, where, etc and how to find the POSOM. I will send a letter to his wife and the volunteer org's president.

You know, I read SAA again last night, and I didn't see one word in there about exposure...neither couples' example says anything about exposure either (unless I missed it). Why is that?

Also, another factor I havent mentioned... that I need your advice....the evidence is in the form of....pictures. The POSOM has a copy of these as well. It's likely that if I expose, those pictures will be on the Internet in 30 seconds. Thoughts?

"Are you aware of the conditions WSs must adhere to? Are you willing to insist on them?"

can you point me to a succinct list? Thanks. I need to lay down the law this weekend.

I would sit your wife down and lay out this plan to her. This plan is your only hope of saving this marriage. Otherwise, the affair will continue or new affairs will start. Affairs cannot be swept under the rug and I seriously doubt you want to live through this again.

First step is to DEMAND your spouse end the affair.

Originally Posted By: Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."



Ask her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life - quit her job

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage."

Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

I have an address for the POSOM's wife but no pohone number. Ideas?

Directory assistance? Whitepages.com, google.

You know, I read SAA again last night, and I didn't see one word in there about exposure...neither couples' example says anything about exposure either (unless I missed it). Why is that?

"I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:

Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.

snip unrelated
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery."

He wouldn't likely incriminate himself.

Well, this guy is unemployed and also apparently in a very shaky marriage. My wife definitely has much more to lose than he does.

I remember this line from SAA, "It made a lot of sense to her that a man who was willing to have an affair with her would also be willing to cheat on her."

In short, a man willing to sleep with another man's wife is capable of anything. That's how I read it.

Thanks!

BTW, I'm 99% sure she will balk at the 'conditions.' Do I then implement Plan A and ignore her transgressions? Sorta like the Jon/Sue example in SAA?