Cat
I would suggest you go ahead and send her the copy of the email you sent HR with an added note saying if she continues to contact either of you against your wishes you will be seeking a RO (doesent really matter right now if you can or can't get an RO your email to HR shows you are serious).

That way if she looses the plot - you will have a good case for an RO
If she backs off - bonus, mission avhieved.
If the A has gone underground - she will no doubt give you information as OWen often throw a WH under the bus to save their own skin.

Right now the OW is playing a background role in your lives when you are trying to recover, 4 more weeks of this issue being unresolved is added extra stress on your recovery and to be frank with you I'm really not at all impressed with your WH's reluctance to file a complaint with e OW company, he is protecting her and as a BS I would be fuming and would definitely not be in any mood to recover anything until my WH decided to protect me and our marriage over some cheap skank.

Hello NB28.

Thanks for your thoughtful advice. I am really considering sending her a copy of the email I sent to her HR Manager. What is stopping me is two things:

1/ Taffy did not send the HR exposure email. Since it is from me they won't take action, unless he also sends one. Which he isn't doing at this point.

2/ I don't want her to think it is just me who doesn't want her to contact Taffy. She very well could, because he told her he wrote the first NC letter to her (in March) under pressure from me. Then resumed the adultery for another 5 months, underground. So she might disregard the second NC letter (August) and think the door is still open to her.

What would you do?

Cat,

In response to

1) It doesen't matter right now if HR is going to act or not as the purpose of sending her a copy of the email you sent HR is to show her you are serious and scare her away from your H by showing her the consequences of her contacting your H. You both told her and sent NC letters to stop her contacting you again, now she needs to see the consequences of her ignoring your request.

2)A very easy way to get round this is to send a note from you attached to the copy of the email you sent HR stating that you were told by your H that she has contacted him 3 times (give dated and times if you want) since he sent her the NC letter (give date of last NC letter you sent) and as she clearly insist on ignoring your H requests to leave him alone you have no choice but to inform her employer as she used work resources to contact him and you will both be seeking a RO against her should she try any further contact.

By giving her the dated and times and details of her contacts with your H she will know your H told you when she contacts him therefore she will know he is serious about cutting her off.

Also clearly stating the times and dates she broke the NCL will hopefully help you if she kicks off and you have to get an RO against her.

If she replies saying she met up with him, talked to him or had any contact with him that he has not told you about since the NC letter then you will know if your H is lying to you and the A is not over.


Do not tell your H about the email as he may forewarn her and if they are still communicating you want to blindside her.

I'm confused why Taffy just won't file the complaint with the HR dept? Why wouldn't he want to do this?

NB28;
Thanks again. Makes a lot of sense.

Brainy;

Taffy said he WILL file the complaint with the Dolly's HR Dept., if, after she gets the lawyer's Cease and Desist letter, she makes any further attempt at contact.

I sent the email to her HR Dept without consulting Taffy, as I knew he would be reluctant and try to dissuade me. He says he doesn't want her to have disciplinary action against her, or get fired. He says, knowing her, she will flip out if she thought I exposed to her HR, and do something awful, either to me, him or possibly herself. He says it is stirring the hornets' nest, which will likely result in more tension between him and me, possible contact by the Dolly. He feels it would do more harm than good.

This all makes me wonder if there is something I don't know, which he is afraid the Dolly will tell me if she feels threatened. He says that they both sent naked photos; I have hers in my evidence file. I said so, what could she do with those? His boss and HR dept already know there was a nasty affair. And honestly, though there MAY be something I don't know, I cannot imagine anything that he COULD have done or said, that would be any more painful to me than I DO know.

However, I did give Taffy the option of sending either the C & D letter from a lawyer, or filing the omplaint with HR. The Dolly has to know there are consequences of contact attempts.

Steve Harley was the one who convinced me that the legal route makes most sense, because it covers ALL contact. HR will only be concerned with contact from her work or using company resources. He said I should be wary of wanting to get revenge on the Dolly.

So it is interesting: I want to punish her, Taffy wants to protect her. (Though he says he just wants this all to go away, not to protect her. Sure feels like protection to me.)

So just wait until the lawyer write a the C&D order?

I guess wait and see.

Just talked to Taffy. He is going to hire a Toronto lawyer through my parents, and send the letter right away. No waiting until we get there next month...

I feel better about this plan. Seemed kinda "toothless" to me to wait for 9 weeks after most recent contact to act. Plus I don't want to leave the door open for further contact in the interim.

Thanks again, Brainy and NB28.

Good job Taffy. Much, much better.

Let us know how it goes.

Thanks, Taffy... You know I'll keep you posted.

Well [/i]that[i] didn't work.

Taffy and I just got off the phone with the Toronto lawyer. His advice: Do nothing at this time. He says it will just stir up the hornet's nest, possibly cause more contact, not less. Says the Dolly's contacts are not threatening enough to require legal action, and if she gets a lawyer, they will explain the letter has no "teeth." Of course, Taffy is in complete agreement.

I am feeling so hopeless. Little side note: the lawyer asked us to send a pr�cis of the situation prior to our phone appointment. I asked Taffy to do it. He finally did it (after putting it off to do his tax year calendar... during date night!) I edited it, and he said he sent it. This morning I get an email prior to our appointment, saying the lawyer has not yet received the pr�cis. Taffy said he, "must not have had his Outlook program on at the time." The lawyer got the pr�cis 3 minutes before our scheduled appointment, insufficient time to get familiar with the case.

I am hurt, because I feel like Taffy was sabotaging the appointment. He says no, total accident. There have just been too many of these accidents. Like how the final NC email to the Dolly just "happened" to have a typo in the address line. GRRR.

Bit of a spat with Taffy. When I expressed my hurt, he got defensive.

Just tired of driving the bus, because when I don't, things don't get done. (Only one NC plan review last week, supposed to be 2. Zero VP plan reviews, supposed to be 2. Plan review score: 25%...)

Mulling my options.

[/color]end of rant[color:#FFFFFF]

Taffy just called my parents and apologized for the terrible pain he caused me for his A, plus the pain and stress he cause to my parents because of this. This is huge for me. I have been waiting....
Kudos to Taffy!!

Good.

Cat what are HIS actions showing you?

Are you feeling better on this rollercoaster?

Yesterday ended up better?

I feel like there is a pattern throughout your thread:


1. Taffy reluctantly agrees to do things and then drags his feet instead of following through on his promises;

2. You tolerate that passive aggressive-type behavior for as long as you can, but eventually get fed up and let him know you can't take anymore;

3. Taffy makes an obvious effort to appease you, and it reassures you until the cycle repeats itself...

Yesterday DID end up better, thanks, Brainy.
As to how I'm feeling, I guess I am in holding pattern again.

Jess: That is how it feels to me, as well. About the only thing I can say in Taffy's defense, is that new habits take time and practice to learn.

Difficulty is that Taffy needs my admiration (pretty much the only EN the Dolly met.) But I have a hard time praising him in his new habits (to reinforce them) he only does them 25% of the time, or only when I remind him.

However... My new epiphany is this: Taffy says h is back in love with me. My mind says, "yes, but you would never have "forgotten" to show up on time for a date with the Dolly. So why me?" Answer, of course, is that he is not really in love with me yet. So back I go to more EN meeting and less LB'ing.

We have been getting in lots of UA time. 23 hours last week, 29 the week before. Especially works when we do his recreational activity choice... Paint the workshop, set up the workout room, etc.

Going to be a challenge this week, though, because Taffy is away on business. SH said max of 2 nights, unless I go along. Taffy slipped in over the line, not arriving home until 1:30 a.m. On the third night. We had a discussion over the semantics of that... But then, emergency meeting required him to leave a day earlier, so now it will be 4 nights by my count. No way I could accompany him as he is driving into the desert, and there is no more room in the vehicle, nor room at the mine camp.

CW, I agree with JC's 1-2-3 waltz that WH is performing:
1 - Agree (under pressure)
2 - Procrastinate (producing exasperation)
3 - Follow through (grudgingly and unsatisfyingly)

(If you want to see how this plays out, go read StrongerMe's thread on this board. It ain't good.)

So, here's what you have to do with your recalcitrant little boy. At the initial agreement, the definition of what must be done will be broken down in its constituent parts, each with their own deadline, and WH will be expected to report back on accomplishment of each section.

Get a big calendar. If, for example, Taffy were to be expected to write a letter of apology to NG, you would put on the calendar on a date that is achievable, "Apology letter mailed to NG". Two days earlier, maybe, there was "Deliver NG apology letter to CW for review/edit." Maybe a day before that "Deliver topics to be included in apology letter to CW". Tomorrow might be, "Acquire and present NG mailing address to CW."

How does one get a reluctant WS to eat a distasteful (pile of) elephant (dung)? One bite at a time, kiddo.

Thanks, NG.

But why does he view it as elephant dung? Seems to me if you WANTED to help your BS heal, if you truly felt remorseful, you would be keen to take on any task assigned, slay that dragon, and get the ears and tail back to the Princess ASAP, for your "attaboy".

In fact, the bigger the dragon, the better the potential reward.

So I am back at my conclusion that Taff is still on the fence about his love for me.

...Taff is still on the fence about his love for me.

Stop thinking "love". "Love", as we have seen on this site (probably clearer than any other venue world-wide) is NOTHING but an amalgam and balance of ENs satisfied and ENs still pending. It's like trying to use as a unit of liquid measure a "bathtub". How big is that bathtub, and designed for who? Filled to the top, so it spills out when entered, or at the right depth for comfortable usage? The bathtub for the troll NG is not relevant to the bathtub for NG's grandson. So to, enough "love" for X, is irrelevant for discussing "Y".

And quite honestly, I don't really - and nor should you (or Taffy!!) right now - give a rat's rectum about HIS love balance. YOURS is the key measurement right now, and will be until you benevolently deem your situation as reaching an equilibrium point of some normalcy. This is the manifestation of JCs. His ACTIONS are all that matter until then.

He's a 21st century member of western civilization. As such he has been trained that THE most important thing in the universe is HIM. He's due for some re-education, and education is NOT done by handing a 6-year-old an encyclopedia and saying "I'll check back in twelve years to see how you did!"

So you assist him in garnering this new knowledge: Calendar - Plan - Checkpoints.

Wow, NG... That's an eye-opener for me.

I will use my time today going back over the EP list, make a specific itemized action plan for Taff, with due dates, then break the items into individual, accomplish able, measurable tasks.

Thanks!

AMEN!!!