Hello all! I will make this quick, but married 19years, together 20. My wife is pursuing the drummer at church. He plays right next to me every Sunday and he and I have been friends for several years now. OM had no idea about this, he thought she was trying to obtain spiritual information about our marriage while she was texting him. But when D-day came (4 weeks ago when I moved out), as I was pulling out of the driveway, I called and told him. He was pissed. She sent him a text telling she was humiliated (after I exposed it) and he sent her a text back saying he is angry about being used and no longer wants to be texted. She tried to cover it up as a "misunderstanding."

On Monday, he called me saying she sent ANOTHER text this time outright asking him for a relationship. He sent her a final "NO" and said he called his cell phone provider to block her from contacting him. I told her she is pathetic and that I have lost all respect for her.

My question is: this is at our church. My mother-in-law goes there as well as my kids. Do I need to expose this to my kids and let them know WHO it is? I don't want them to stop going to church there, it's the BEST place for them in that tiny little town. How should I handle this? She blew it off the first time as that I lied and made this up. Pastor and associate pastor know.

How do I handle this?

Hi Justtiredofit, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

The first thing to do is to tell your MIL and your children. The more people who know, the more people to hold your wife accountable.

The next thing to do is find another church. Your wife has already proven that she can't be around this man. Tell your pastors why you have to leave.

And lastly, you should go home. I am unclear why you have left your family at this terrible time? You do understand that leaving only increases your risk of divorce and many judges frown on abandonment?

Once you get all those parameters in place, I would use the Marriage Builders program to restore the love in your marriage. MB has steps to take that will affair proof your marriage AND recover the marriage to a happy, romantic relationship. That program is outlined in the book His Needs, Her Needs.

I had to leave because I could not afford all the bills there (starting a new career). She can afford it all. I moved out 4 weeks ago and have a 13 month lease.

What is MIL?

My kids are 16, 20 and 23.

I exposed this at church and she painted me out to be a liar. THEN this past Monday she made a play for him. He wants NOTHING to do with her. He is getting divorced himself, but his STBXW is holding on to hope. I don't want to expose as to hurt him, he is one of my best friends and his kids are deeply entrenched in our church.

Oh, and the lease ends at the house in a few weeks anyway (Feb 1).

But why did you leave your home? How does that help anything?


mother in law


Expose your wife to your MIL, kids and the pastors like I mentioned above. And don't hurt him. Exposure won't hurt him.

Do you have direct evidence that is only one sided? If there is an affair, the OM could be playing you. Are you sure?

And once again, leaving your home is very, very bad for your marriage. Abandoning your family is not a wise idea.

Are you sure you really understand what is going on here? Is the OM calling you in order to fish for information about your knowledge of the affair?

It wouldn't surprise me if your wife and the OM have a plan to dump their spouses and get together.

Why is he getting divorced?

And see, since you abandoned your marriage and your family, your wife can say "my husband left me so I am moving onto this new relationship with OM."

Do you see how leaving plays into such a scenario? Now there is nothing stopping the OM from taking your place since you left.

JT,

If your friend has truly been honorable then there is no need to expose him directly. It's rare that a pursued male tells the betrayed husband, BH, what is going on, you should feel lucky.

Unfortunately you can no longer have both your friend and your wife, she can never be around him again. Please read more on MB and you will get an understanding that an affair is an addiction and No Contact must be for life.

God Bless
Gamma

There is no reason NOT to expose his friend since the friend has done nothing wrong - SUPPOSEDLY. But I have a feeling this poster is being PLAYED. The "friend" is getting a divorce and the wife has somehow manipulated this man to abandon his home. Seems like the perfect set up for an affair.

And what better way to kill suspicion than to call up JT and tell him that his wife is chasing him? That way he can dispel suspicion and find out what JT is thinking at the same time. What better way to get your enemy's position than to befriend him?

Something does not smell right about this situation. Still trying to figure out why the poster has left his family!

I am positive. I have spoken to many of his and my mutual friends that confirm this is absurd. Plus, the assoc. pastor says there's no way my wife is someone that he would pursue. The first week I had to play on stage after all this, he came up on stage, paused, looked me straight in the eye and said "I love you brother....you CAN do this." He was also sending all her texts to me. Then, she began to blast me after the first exposure saying "Well, now that there is no OM, and there will never be, I guess you think I'm just hung right? No way! I don't owe you or him anything. I don't want the two of you talking about me!" Then the following week we were talking up on stage before church. Then she sent a text "You and him can stand there and make me think you two are talking about me all you want. But I will not leave this church." Crazy.

He's been separated almost 3 years now. He had a bad marriage for 16 years.

I can't go back to the house so what is done is done.

So do I tell the kids myself?

I would move right back home. If you want to save your marriage, you need to be home. Leaving was very unwise.


Yes.

You don't understand...I cannot move back. They are moving into one of her parents' rent houses (half of what the current rent is). She and my kids are in the process of moving there over the next couple of weeks.

And why can't you move in with them?

Should I tell them WHO this is? Or just tell them "A married man at church?"

Give his full name. There is no reason NOT TO. They need to know who the man is.

Your friend is very much to blame for this situation by having inappropriate personal discussions with a married woman. He should NEVER talk to a married woman about her marriage. That is none of his business. If this is truly not an affair - and I am dubious because NONE of the reasons you gave discount an affair - then he was out of line at best.

Hopefully, your friend learns from this mistake and stops inappropriate personal discussions with women. Opposite sex friendships is how affairs begin.

And anyone who says "oh he would never do that!!" knows NOTHING about how affairs start. We have PASTORS here who have had affairs and everyone said "oh he would never do that!"

Oh he's learned alright. He is SICK of the drama. He said that when I nailed her for still texting him, she blew up his phone with all this crap, and that he's gonna have to pay his cell phone provider to block her number.

I will tell them who it is.

Melody,

Your friend is very much to blame for this situation by having inappropriate personal discussions with a married woman.

An understanding of the damaging effects of an emotional affair is not common knowledge, before MB I had no idea either.

I would agree that it COULD be a cover story especially if OM is someone who is very concerned with public image. Do you know for a fact that OMW was a bad wife? What I'm saying is that sometimes the people who have the best reputations are the ones who lie the most to conceal their real lives.

God Bless
Gamma

I would speak to her parents, too, and tell them everything that is going on. Ask them to support you in moving in with her.

I hope you are right about your "friend" texting with a married woman and talking about her personal life. Isn't that ODD that he doesn't know any better than that?

How old is this guy? Is this the reason he wrecked his own marriage? Because of his inappropriate relationships with women?