I've lost about 10 lbs since his confession. My heart really hurts with strong pain not just literally. Everywhere I turn I can't get away from "infidelity" topics...they're on t.v., radio. I feel like I'm drowning in a bottomless waterhole with no light. I'm lucky if I can sleep 2 hours a night without my mind taking over and thinking about this whole mess and wondering if it is possible for my marriage to recover from this! I find that going to counselling doesn't help anything but I come out of the appointment with a headache from crying so now I just cry at home and take an Aleeve afterwards. I can't bring myself to telling my children what their father has done since they are boys and I don't want them to get stressed out anymore. I'm a stay-at-home mom which makes things harder and unfortunately I can't focus and keep my emotions under control to go out and get a job. All my friends are "couples" and all my husbands friends are "divorced including his boss" so I literally feel like I'm paddling up the rapids the wrong way without paddles. What makes things worse is that I have no family where we live for support.

Surely your husband knows her name? You can get it from him.

ARe you snooping on him to get her phone #s? Do you look at his emails and texts?

She may not be divorced at all. She might be married.

I suspect the affair has gone on for quite a long time and is the reason he left you. When did he leave you and where did he go?


This is just what he told you, though, so its not likely to be true.

It is possible, but he has to end all contact with her as a FIRST STEP. That means he has to find another job. Recovery is impossible as long as they work together.

Another first step is that he has to tell you the entire truth about his affair. It has gone on much longer than he is telling you.

TLP, I have an idea on how you can turn this around if you think you can follow a plan. I won't write it all out, though, if you won't follow this plan. I will tell you that you are headed to divorce right now as it is. You have no plan, your H sees the OW every day during the week; having no plan is a plan to fail.

If you will listen and follow a plan I will help you get out of this and hopefully save your marriage. There are no guarantees, but I think it will give you the best chance.

"It has gone on much longer than he is telling you."

^^^above? Know this!

I'm sorry, but you need to know the truth.

It seems to me that threatening the OW with workplace exposure is pointless. I would gather all the evidence and do a full exposure before confronting the OW. (If you play your cards right, you could kill the affair the day you expose it. The element of surprise is critical, so don't tip your hand!)

You wrote, "I think I'm thinking clearly but I'm obsessed with knowing more about her and knowing if she is trying to hold onto my husband." If you are gathering the information necessary to fight a direct threat to your marriage, you are thinking clearly.

You should not take your husband's word that he has ended it, and the fact that he isn't acting depressed or stressed could be a very bad sign. If he had truly ended it, he would be going through a period of withdrawal at this point. Clearly, he isn't.

Threatening exposure is a major strategic mistake. This gives OW a heads up to do some damage control against exposure. OW will paint you as a jealous crazy wife who is just acting psycho. She will paint herself as a nice caring person who was just trying to help out a poor down and out man with a crazy wife. This OW has no respect for you and your family. If OW did, she would not have had an affair with your husband. Your threats mean nothing to OW.



This is also a major strategic mistake. You have already learned that your DH is capable of looking you in the eye and lying. It is too early to give him the benefit of the doubt...he needs to EARN back your trust and I cannot see that he has done anything to do that.

He still goes to work and sees OW everyday! That is disrespectful and the same as spitting in your face. I have no doubt that you are still an emotional train wreck given that you have to watch him walk out the door everyday to see OW.




This is very worrying. My FWH also acted this way. Three months later I found that the affair was still going strong.

But then of course there is no sign of withdrawal in your WH because there is no withdrawal. He is still in contact with OW.

If you think you are an emotional wreck now, just wait until you find out that the affair is still on...and the whole time your DH was STILL looking you in the eye and lying despite the pain and anguish it caused you the first time. A false recovery is a death of a thousand cuts...and if your WH still works with the OW then it is a false recovery. Affairs are addictions. There can be NC for LIFE.

Be smart TLP. You have gotten great advice. I hope that you will reread your thread and find the strength to expose and require your WH to leave that job. You also need to snoop. That is how you can ensure NC which is the first step to recovery.

Sound advice. Please follow it as it offers the best chance to save your marriage.

My husband does know her name but he won't share it with me for fear of confronting her and making a scene. He claims it's not her fault, it's his fault. Whatever! I am snooping like crazy but haven't had any success of find-out his password to his cell phone. His weird behavior just started in late September/early October.

My husband is going through a withdrawl stage he admitted it to me. I told him that it may take 3 weeks, maybe 6 months but interacting to her with other employees twice a week in meetings isn't going to give our marriage a fair chance.

He is protecting the OW - at your expense - and the reason is because his affair has not ended. He would have no reason not to tell you if his affair was over.

If you can follow a plan I have some ideas to turn this around. But I am not going to go to that trouble unless you think you can stick to a plan.

He is not in withdrawal. That is impossible because he sees her every day at work. There are lots of places at work to carry on an affair.

Withdrawal will never happen until he ends his affair. That can't happen if he sees her at work every day.

You know that she is in meetings with him twice a week, but you can't figure out her name? If you know the dates/times of those meetings, perhaps you could show up at his office during the next meeting. You may be able to identify the OW by her deer-in-the-headlights expression. Also, you should install "snooping devices" such as keyloggers in order to collect more information. Have you reviewed the phone numbers on your phone bills? To find out OW's name, you could do a "reverse search" on any unknown phone numbers that show up repeatedly. Once you have OW's name, etc., you should expose the affair far and wide--including the workplace--making it clear that the affair is ongoing despite your husband's claim that he ended it. That is your best shot at killing the affair. If you don't kill the affair, the affair will kill your marriage.

We are trying to help you TLP but I don't think that you are listening.


Here are the three biggest mistakes that I made and that I see you making.

1. Believing what my husband said. Stop listening to him and look at his ACTIONS. What do your WH actions tell you? Is he protecting YOU or protecting the OW and himself?

2. Underestimating the lengths that an OW will go to continue her affair with my FWH. If your OW is divorced or separated, that means she is actively pursuing a replacement husband and father for her kids and she is free to pursue your husband everyday at work. Don't fool yourself into thinking that she has magically overnight changed into a woman with morals and a respect for marriage and will also magically stop pursuing your WH. She won't. She will freely pursue him everyday at work...and you already know that he is not strong enough to resist her.

3. Allowing continued contact. My FWH had to drive by OW house everyday to get to work. That is all it took to keep my FWH in the fog and the affair alive...


TLP. You need to dig really deep and find the strength to fight for your marriage. Either WH leaves that job or you will have to drive OW out of town.

Be smart TLP. Don't sign up for a death of a thousand cuts.

I cant argue with points 1-3. My heart is breaking in a thousand pieces because of this mess. I wish I was employed and had the power to just walk-out with our kids and not look back. My husband is away with his boss right now and I'm trying to figure-out a plan on how to force his hand into quitting his job or confronting her in-front of me. Yesterday I sent him an email suggesting he tells his boss about why he was so emotional before Christmas because he was burning the candle at two ends and he refuses. I'm now thinking about telling him that I will report him and this other woman to HR along with the MGR who is aware of her. He knows that this other MGR knows about the affair and knows exactly which woman it is. My husband could very well be fired and then we'd lose everything since I don't have a job to pay for the bills. Any other suggestions on how to handle this?

But, none of that solves the problem. It doesn't get him out of there and it doesn't end the affair. How will you get him to leave the job by threatening? He knows you aren't going to anything and will just ignore you.

Threatening him will only forewarn him and the OW of your plans. They will like that because then they can go to HR and talk about how crazy, jealous you are.

I would get his phone, take it to him and ask him for his password. Tell him you want to check his emails and texts. If he says no, tell him that you will take that as an indicator that he has something to hide and his affair is active.

Tell him that you want to forgive him for his affair and are willing to give him that opportunity to earn your forgiveness. Explain that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage where he sees his mistress every day. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. Otherwise this will lead to divorce and you might as well separate right now:

1. end all contact with the OW for life - find another job or get transferred [one way is for both of you to go into Human Resources together tomorrow and tell them about the affair. Ask for a transfer]

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about his affair<s> � passing a polygraph - you must have ALL the information about the affair, including the OW's full name and phone # and address

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage."

Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if he won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

If he won't agree to these things, I would ask him to move out. Dr Harley would advise you to go into Plan B, which is a totally dark separation. You should remain separated until he agrees to all of these conditions. The reason is because women have nervous breakdowns from living in type of abusive environment. That is why you find yourself in such a bad place.

Madam, you are headed right towards divorce right now. If he doesn't lose that job, you won't have a marriage. He can find another job but can you find another husband when you get divorced due to his affair?

Recovery is IMPOSSIBLE as long as he continues to work with the OW. Impossible. The long the affair continues the harder it will be to bust up.

Why?

Did you kick him out or did he leave?