Well I send messages to men as well as receiving them, I would say its just exactly like striking up a conversation. If a detail on someone's profile catches your eye, just ask them about that detail.

I have a personal rule that I want the guy to ask me out but that's very much my preference. I like people with confidence and social skills and I prefer a man to take the lead.

However Dr H says its fine for women to ask men out and is how his daughter met her husband.



Just say you hate FB. You don't have to go into vast detail as to why.

Probably you would love it if someone said 'Me too! Its so fake!'

I doubt you would date someone who was addicted to it or thought it was some kind of must-have.

That's the beauty of the freeloading approach. Not really caring about impressing people but trying to find genuine things in common and similar outlooks.

Either way is fine but important to make it clear you actually read their page. Make the contact short and amusing.

Also, I found that some men were keen to continue to email for ages rather than meet up. I don't think that is a good idea as you are building a false relationship. Eventually I realised that a lot of people lie on online dating sites and so people put off the moment of truth because they have had so many disappointments but it left me in an awkward position as a female because I was reluctant to be the one to suggest a first meeting. A good strategy was to say something like; 'I'm planning a visit to xyz museum this afternoon'.

You simply say that you are not on fb. No explanation necessary. Of course eventually you will give someone the whole story if you develop a relationship but appearing to be a messed up divorcee is going to attract the wrong kind of people (predators).

If I was interested in a man, I contacted him. I wasn't going to sit around and wonder. If he wasn't interested, I'd rather find out sooner than later. I have very good results with this approach.


If the topic comes up just say you don't like facebook...the end. You certainly don't have to advertise that you are a BS either. Keep your profile light and upbeat. Some people put waaaaaay too much information in their profiles and look like head cases. It maybe that they are trying to be upfront (which I good) but it comes across poorly as a first impression IMO.

Just been on my first date in 16 years. Holy moly, I really like him! Artist man is funny, cool, articulate and hot. His pics don't do him justice.

He says he's been on POF for months and was getting sick of it, not getting anywhere. He made a point of saying this was one of the better dates he had been on. He seemed really pleased when I said I wanted to see him again too.

It can't possibly be this easy can it?

P.S. Facebook haters - he despises FB!

I liked the fact he doesn't like football/soccer. A rare find in Liverpool.

so glad to hear you had a good date! now, only 29 to go before you can decide

I know. The thing is, if you do really like someone how do you explain the whole: "I don't trust my judgement until I've had some contrast effect"

I think people should understand that. I also think boys are tougher competitors than girls and don't mind there being a little competition if they really like someone.

you don't need to close yourself off after 1 date, no matter how much you like him. after all, if there is another date, you are still only just "dating," not necessarily "exclusive," unless you've had a conversation about that.

indie, you are so wise - i don't want to see you fall into the first guy that comes along. if he's the perfect one, he'll wait it out. you met him on a dating site, right? so he'll assume you are dating others, at least for now. (not saying you have to adhere to the full 30 dates, just not to stop looking just yet.)

let's put that aside - tell us, what did you do on your date? do you have a photo? ::evil laugh:: we wouldn't mind checking out the beefcake

Yes, I know. But getting lovebank donations is like taking shots of alcohol. It's hard to stay smart.

His pics are no good anyway. I had no idea if I would find him attractive and I was surprised how good looking he was. In spite of his pics being quite clear and recent. I don't think he's photogenic.

We met for coffee at Starbucks. I had a 'family meal' or more honestly a 'get out clause' I told him I had to be at later. However when he asked me to go for a drink, I said I had a little time. We like the same type of pub. Intimate irish places that go from chilled afternoon to evening live music. He bought us a round of drinks, I bought another. Then I said I needed to go.

We seem to have loads in common and towards the end of the date, he seemed really keen. I fessed up that he was my first date since joining the site and he said: "you have nothing to worry about dating-wise, you're really nice".

He said he really wanted to see me again and when I said 'me too' he did a little fist-bump! That was cute. He said it was definitely one of the better dates he'd been on. I'm sure he wanted to stay out awhile longer but my nerves were totally shot, plus I had a lie to adhere to! And its a school night.

He'd asked me to text him to let him know I'd got to where I was going OK. So I did and said I had a good time and we should really do it again.

Oh well. We'll see, I guess.

Yes if you don't want to do the contrast effect .... be safe Indie ... the first hits you get can warp the brain and create the PEA connection that may block judgements!!!

I got into that with Mr. Hottie .... I found him so attractive I wasn't seeing other signs until 2 months later. This is why I decided to get into the contrast effect because it scared the daylights out of me. How vulnerable I can become in such a short period of time.

What were the signs WF?

It's very easy for almost anyone to make LB deposits when you were put through the ringer and your Love Bank is almost depleted.

So indie, who's next?

BR ... I was attracted to him so I found myself over looking somethings, his independent behavior and his need for space from his children. Over time his space from his children bothered me because he was using that time away from them for personal fun. As a single mom myself my WH is doing that now. It is so painful, and the most cruel thing you can do to your children.

Granted Mr. Hottie did see his children more than my WH, but I just felt he wasn't as engaged as a father should be. I felt over time his selfishness would wear on me because I couldn't justify his nights with the guys or his weekends on his own vacations. What about the kids I kept thinking?

This is my own issue. I am really looking for a man who does 50% or as close to that as possible with his kids. A man who does less than that usually has IB and selfishness in them, which I am avoiding like the plague.

I definitely see that as a red flag, especially for fathers who don't want to put their kids as a priority.

Good to keep the bar high.

Glad you had a good time and are optimistic about dating men.

It is good to see that though cautious, you have not become totally jaded to 'man'kind.

Just enjoy dating Indiegirl. The actual experience.

If you see him again and you both seem to want a more exclusive relationship, come here first for talking it out with logical strategy.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Accountant man is next I suppose. I had suggested meeting him for a date yesterday on Thursday.

But my 'get out clause' of having to be somewhere afterwards seemed to have put him off. When I suggested meeting for a few drinks early as i had later dinner plans, he suggested waiting until I was more free!!!

Grrrr. He doesn't seem to get the whole first meeting thing. That its only a predate/interview. Artist man understood perfectly and was pleased when I agreed to go on somewhere else, instead of expecting my time.

He's been texting me and seems very funny and attentive. But one text struck me oddly. He said he wasn't free on Saturday when I tried to persevere with the predate idea and that he wasn't very free mid-week as he's travelling for work. Some cool places.

I replied: "That sounds amazing! Have fun x. And he came back with 'why are you not going to talk to me now?' That seemed odd. He also said he 'finds me exciting' which I can hardly credit as we're strangers.

It could just be the toneless quality of written communication.

I'm going to give him one more shot to set a date and that's that.

Not interested in faceless penpals

This is how the conversation went with my deskmates today:

How was your date?

"Great, I really like him!"

Did you snog?

"No way, I'm a lady. He won't get a kiss before he's even asked me out on a real date. It was just a meet up."

Has he texted you today?

"Noooooo. (Checks phone, shakes it) Nope."

Why don't you text him then?

"No, he texts me first after the date. Thems the rules".

Cacophony of female voices: "why not! That's just mind games! You like him!" One dissenting girl: "No, she's right". (The whole newsroom is listening in at this point. You can't have privacy around reporters!)

Me: "It's not mind games, it's a requirement. If he doesn't text me he is either timid or he doesn't like me. I would have no problem texting if I were the man." (This is true, it was difficult to restrain myself from texting)."So I can't be with someone more timid than me."

And then the newsroom got back to work while I made annoyed checks of my phone regularly.

He texted me at 7.30pm and we had a nice light chat. He said he was afraid to text during the day as he was afraid to disturb me (This I don't buy as he's texted me during the day before, but that's OK ) When I said it was fine, he said he would text me during the day from now on.

Accountant man texted me just after this. Some nice back and forth.. But I dunno. He seems a bit too much considering we've never met. He referred to me as a princess . I feel he's trying to flood the lovebank without us meeting and I don't like that.

He's travelling for work but I expect a meet up soon, or I'll stop responding. Not sure how to get the message over that I only want a short meetup date though.

Ah well, we'll see

It was for me! Glad it went well.

This was one of my first questions when I met dh. How much did he see his kids? Well, he saw them as much as the law allowed and he never missed visitation even when he was in the hospital and had to have relatives bring the kids to him.

And in the 2 1/2 years I've known him he has never missed one visitation. Even when we were dating and the PEAs were flying around like crazy and he wanted to be with me all the time...his kids didn't take a back seat.

Lol!