Yay!!!!!!

I'm happy for you navigate that recovery path! Good work!

Thank you, Reading and TranquilDark. I was happy to post last night and share with those who are struggling that the possibilities for marital recovery are there, even when it seems that all is lost forever. Had I known two months ago what I know now, I would be in shock.

So, is there any plans for your future together with your ExW? Are you guys just going to take it how it comes, or are there plans for remarriage?

Is her religious beliefs something you can deal with? What if she remains a Muslim? Will that be a deal breaker?

Scotland,

The goal we set is to remarry. In both of our views--and that of God--the vows we made are permanent. I am going to give this some time before we tie the knot, but my hope is that we remarry in a few months time. I do think it would be prudent to let our recovery work itself out for a few months just to be safe, but we are both 100% committed to getting remarried.

I am unsure of where I stand with Islam in her due to its origin. Had she been a Muslim when we first met it would not be an issue, but because she was converted by her affair partner in a hotel room, I have strong reservations. She cries when I tell her its a deal breaker. She disavows her POS affair partner, and she asserts that her faith in Islam is completely independent of him.

Over the past few weeks, she has attended Mass with me weekly and has avoided her Muslim practices. She drank with me on our cruise and has relaxed other requirements of her faith. But she does not want to give it up. I am going to speak to a priest about this. I am on the fence on this issue. I would never tear someone apart from their religion. On the other hand, I'm not comfortable taking her back as my wife given the history of her conversion, and there are many aspects of the faith I find offensive, particularly the treatment of women. Also, seeing her practice her faith will always be a trigger for me. Maybe that's a selfish, petty view of the situation.

I'm just afraid that her religion will become a sacrifice to either her or you, and it could cause resentment, which will likely kill your marriage.

The fact that she was converted by her OM is a HUGE trigger, and it isn't at all selfish for you to feel that way.

So, do you have contact info for OM's BW? Are you also contacting other members of his family? I don't remember if you had previously exposed to his side.

This isn't going to be easy, and I really think that you shouldn't jump into anything.

I have contacted no one on his side. Only recently did I learn he is married. I know exposure is the right thing to do, but I worry that all I will be doing is bring a bunch of hurt onto his poor wife. If it were me, I would want to know, but for some ignorance is bliss. Ultimately, the truth should not be concealed. I have information that his wife deserves to know. My wife gave me her name and her place of work. I will contact her this week.

Regarding my wife's religion, yes, it may be a wedge, but I pray it won't be. That is the only stumbling block right now, and it is not interfering with reconciliation yet. We are both very happy to be back together and to have our family reunited. We will see how it goes.

Justthe3ofus

So happy for you that you wife has got herself out of the fog.

The religion issue is a big one because her faith was chosen due to her wanting to please the OM therefore it would naturally be a trigger for you.

I grew up with a catholic father and a Muslim mother, at 18 I was given the choice of wich religion I wanted to follow. This was a conditional choice that I had to research and study both religions then make a choice. I chose Christianity and although have a respect for Muslim faith there are certain aspects I just couldn't believe in or follow.

I would make it a strict condition of recovery that your WW should respect your triggers and stop following a faith she was introduced to by the OM and therefore has been represented by a person who clearly doesent understand not respect the faith. For example You can't be introduced to Buddhism by a butcher.

As far as telling the OM Wife I would really reccomend you find her and tell her ASAP. It's not fair that she is left in the dark when her WS could be bringing her STDs and she doesent stand a chance of fixing anything in her marriage if she doesent know there is a problem.

Why can't you contact OMW today? She needs to know about her WH's affair.

Is she back in the house?
You are on the verge of becoming a renter relationship.
Are you aware of this?

I think she is using you as a place to stay.
She was overseas.
Did she already get her job back?

As for marriage vows, they are designed for life but adultery is a deal breaker.
If in doubt ask your priest

Brain,
I will try contacting her tonight. I only have her work number. I will keep trying till I get through.

Jedi,
Besides this affair, my wife has been with only me for the last 28 years, and she never exhibited a renter's mentality. Now that she is out of the fog, I see again the person I grew to love and admire over the years. I am still a little stunned because I never thought her feelings for me would return. At the same time, I am guarded and will not rest on my heels. We are both working attentively to meet each other needs and will carry out the MB plan.

When she was in the affair she was a freeloader.
You became a renter during divorce.
If she is living with you outside of marriage then you are now both renters

I called the OM's wife yesterday. We spoke briefly at her work (the only way I could contact her). She asked me to call her after work hours (1:30 a.m. here). I did. She did not answer. I sent her a text message giving her my phone number and e-mail. I told her I would call again. I don't think she will take my call. I think she will protect her husband and children and safeguard the reputation of her family who are in the aristocracy of Malaysian society. One hour photo wife is my guess. I feel badly for her, but if she doesn't want to know the truth there is nothing I can do.

Jedi,
re: "When she was in the affair she was a freeloader.
You became a renter during divorce.
If she is living with you outside of marriage then you are now both renters"

You are right. One who is not married is a renter by definition, right? We are very close to getting back to ownership, and I am very pleased with the progress we have made. She is being upfront and radically honest with me now. She has given up all contact, as have I with my ex-girlfriend. We are putting MB principles in our lives and following the program. I believe that we have both learned from our mistakes, and we are taking assertive steps to atone for our past sins. This is good. Yes, what she did was awful. I'll never forget it. She has much to do to atone, and so do I. But welcoming her back with forgiveness and love has been sweet and joyful. If I were a betting man, I would not bet against us! We were good each other for 25 years, and I believe we will take what we have learned and be even better to each other for the next 25. We certainly appreciate each other so much more now.

So when you talked to the OMW for the short bit at her work, did you at least tell her about the affair?

Brain,
I was about to tell her the details of the affair when she asked me to call her later. She cut me off. I will snail mail a letter to her work with a detailed outline. I think that is the safest way to ensure she gets it and reads it. I don't think she wants to talk to me, though I will try one more time tonight.

Sounds good. I'm glad you're telling her, if she wants to be denial then that's on her.

You are can't become buyers if you are living together.
Renters live together unmarried.
You aren't married anymore.

Have you considered the online course?

Have you read this article?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5035b_qa.html

Jedi,
I read the article you sent, and it doesn't apply to our situation. We meet each other's needs when we are together, and we don't push each other apart. We have implemented the MB program into our recovery. The process is playing out as Dr. Harley describes in his books and articles, and we will be remarrying. Of course, I can't say 100% that things will work out, but I am very optimistic. We have 25 years of very good history, and I think with MB Builders principles being applied AND learning hard lessons from our mistakes we have a newly built foundation on which to do our recovery work.

You seem to be doggedly skeptical, and I'm not sure why. Sixty-five percent of marriages recover from affairs, according to Dr. Harley. Why can't ours?