That's what I was thinking was No because it looks like I'm needy.

There being a critical difference between neediness and wifely concern, after twenty-four hours file a missing person report, and a request for a PINS (Person In Need of Supervision) evaluation. It would be great to watch him deal with those!

Since I did friends/family exposure 9 days and workplace affair exposure 2 days ago my WH hasn't been home since. He hasn't texted or called me at all. I see on Verzon where he made calls last night and I think he's been at work.

Its been two months since discovery and I was able to do at least 6 weeks of Plan A with a few bad days during that time. Husband said he wanted to work on marriage, but doesn't seem like he's working very hard and they've twice had contact since DD after he said he would not contact her.

Should I have his close friends try to contact him? I plan on staying dark and not
contacting him.

I figure he is punishing me for the exposure, but this is tearing me apart. Lord, give me strength.

I would just sit tight, C. I think he expects you to flip out and react to his no show act so he can use it as leverage to control you. When he sees the silent treatment won't work, I think you will hear from him. And that is when you have to be firm and let him that this is DONE unless he leaves that job and cuts off all contact.

This is why I want you to pack his clothes up. I want him to see that you are dead serious about all this. He either meets your conditions or he moves out.

This time, he shouldn't be able to come back and squat in the guest room without ending his affair and committing to recovery.

You are exactly right, C!! He is hoping you will flip out and he can regain control of you that way. You CANNOT let him know how you feel, my friend. You are not dealing with your husband, you are dealing with an alien WS who is lost in an affair.

If you want your husband back, the best way to do that is stand FIRM against his waywardism and stay in control. He comes back on your terms or not at all! That is the only way your marriage can survive.

ML, Thanks so much for your support and advice. You are giving me strength.

Should I have his close friends call him? I'm thinking NO after reading your last post.

Nope! Your husband is a big boy. He doesn't need someone to check on him. Doing so will indicate to him that his silent treatment is working on you. You don't even want to send that message to him.

Did you get the evidence to the OWH? PLEASE do this today so you can close the circle. He doesn't believe the affair is true, and now is the time to lower the boom.

I'll try a third attempt today to deliver a package to him at work. I'm worried about harassment charges so I'll call an attorney first thing this am. I may have a friend deliver it for me.

Getting OWH onboard would make it dramatically easier for you to bust up this affair. Since OW has been gaslighting her husband, you need a foolproof way of getting the evidence into his hands. Do you know any of OWH's colleagues, friends, or family? Perhaps you could show them the evidence and ask them to give it to him. If the evidence is presented by a trusted source, he may take it seriously.

C, why are you worried about this? Did the OW's HUSBAND make this threat? I thought it was the OW who made this threat?

Do you know how to get ahold of the OWH's MOTHER or sister? Does he have a facebook page?

Should I have his close friends call him?

Friend, you've read the game-plan here. If WH never does get his head out of his colon, you're likely to have to invoke Plan B. Officer Donut right now is just giving you a dry-run, risk-free practice opportunity! Use it!

The threats have all come from OW, but the first time I called him he seemed very willing to meet with me a couple hours later for me to give him the evidence and we set up a time and I gave him my phone number. Because I messed up by forewarning her 15 minutes before I called him I think she told him I was crazy so he didn't show up for the appointment.

And the second time I showed up at his work they told me he had already left and I didn't think I saw his vehicle out front but I may not know all their vehicles. That night she sent me that threatening text to stay away from his work and threatened restraining orders etc. I bet he was there, but wouldn't talk to me because he thinks I'm crazy. Why else would she send that text.

BH does not have a facebook page, I just checked. I think I know someone who knows who her parents are. I'm calling them next to get their name.

I agree! I have a practice opportunity. Thanks for shedding light on that for me

I appreciate the support!

That is what I thought. GO THERE and ask for him and hand him the evidence. Let that skank know she cannot bully you.

Exactly, she's trying to bully you. Show her exactly what her idle threats mean to you. Stay strong Courageous, you're doing fantastic.

How are things going, courageous? Were you able to get the info to the OWH?

You can read this from the history in my thread, but here is a synopsis. I exposed to 29 of WH friends, family and clergy on 1/9/13 and then told him all the people I exposed. I told him I loved him and wanted to save our marriage and then I proceeded to tell him all the people I have told. He was very angry, got divorce papers (never filled out) and locked himself in the spare bedroom for about 5 days when he wasn't working. On the 6th and 7th day he started to come out of the room and started talking a bit.

Then on 1/15/13 I tried a 2nd attempt at delivering evidence of the affair to the other betrayed spouse. The OW has him convinced that I'm crazy. At his work they said he had already left for the day. According to my WH the other betrayed spouse called my WH and said I tried to contact him at work. When I got home that evening my husband was locked in the spare bedroom and wouldn't respond at all to me. That evening the OW sent me a very threatening text that I better stay away from both of their work and that they would be getting restraining orders and have already alerted the cops. They called me crazy, blah, blah.

Well, I told myself "bring it on"!!! and exposed to their workplace the very next morning. She better not mess with me. This is a workplace affair. You can read about it on my thread.

After the workplace exposure my WH did not come home for three evenings. I have no idea where he was, probably at a hotel since she is married. I did not call or text him at all since he is probably figuring I will flip out when he doesn't come home.

When he finally came home on a Saturday morning I told him that there will be a divorce or separation if he doesn't 1) end the affair via a no contact letter that I approve, 2) get a different job and 3) get marriage counseling. I told him that everything will be on MY TERMS and NOT his terms. He said "I have ruined him" by exposing to every single one of our friends and to family and also to his workplace. I said "No, I didn't ruin you, you did".

It turned out that I had already had some friends coming over that evening to bring me dinner. I told him that they were coming over and since he can't face our friends right now he left again that evening to a hotel.

The next morning he came back looked really remorseful, caressed my face and said that "we've both hurt each other enough". I asked if he would write the no contact letter and after some hesitation he said yes he would. That afternoon we went to lunch and he treated me very, very well with opening my cars doors and taking me shopping. It felt like he was really trying to work on things.

That night I asked him again if he would write the no contact letter the next day and he said he didn't know. I reminded him of the three things I needed (see above).

That was Sunday of this week. Since then things have been alot better, but he still hasn't written the no contact letter and hasn't talked about quitting his job. He has been complimenting me and saying he loves me without me telling him first that I love him (which he usually never does). He has been doing nice things for me that he usually doesn't do. I have seen a major change in him since the exposure of friends and workplace.

Do you think his change is for real? The other night I told him that I'm not sharing him and he told me that it is over with her and that he hasn't even seen her since before Christmas.

After I did the workplace exposure they are not allowed to work together anymore. They work for the same agency, but in different departments and buildings, but the buildings are on the same block.

In Dr H's book when you are in recovery he states that every time you talk about the affair that it takes withdrawals out of the love bank. Should I not talk about it anymore or should I keep pressing him on complying with my terms? My gut tells me to keep pressing. Do I keep allowing more time for the full-blown exposure to do it's work?

"Do you think his change is for real? The other night I told him that I'm not sharing him and he told me that it is over with her and that he hasn't even seen her since before Christmas. "

Nope, there are no changes ere at all. You are not even at first base. You are in a false recovery. He just calmed you down so you won't expose to the OWs husband so he can continue his affair. Every day he sees the OW at work so recovery is impossible. I would give him exactly 3 weeks to quit his job and meet all your conditions. If he is not out of that workplace and meeting EVERY condition of yours, then you should separate.

I am sorry but he has not even taken the first step. Until he takes the first step you can't take the next steps.

And I would not rest until you have the evidence in the OW husband 's hands. He doesn't know about the affair.

C, he does not believe you are serious so I would quickly disabuse him of that notion by telling him he meets your conditions NOW or he gets out. But he won't meet your conditions because he is not done with the affair. That is evidenced by his refusal to write a no contact letter that you can both hand deliver to the OW and her husband. Will He agree to that?

Will he agree to put his 3 week notice tomorrow? Will he agree to give you the full truth about the affair and even take a polygraph if necessary? Wll he agree to give you his phone and give you passwords to all his email and phone accounts? His workplace email?

See, those are basic extraordinary precautions that are necessary to end an affair. I seriously doubt it. EPs are not negotiable. Will he agree to them all? If not, you are in a false recovery and have signed up for a death of a thousand cuts that is worse than the initial finding of the affair.

You can't just expose and stop there. Every day you allow him to continue this way is another day of leverage that you LOSE from the effect of e exposure. The affair has not been killed and will rise again like a Phoenix if you don't drive a stake in its heart NOW. It's strength grows every day that passes.