This is the great thing about contrast dating though. You don't have to wait for the next man. You can see them concurrently and will automatically lean towards the one who is going out of their way to display an ability to meet those needs.



Absolutely!

Okay, here's something of a U-turn for you all.

I spent most of the day with artist man yesterday. And we're going to give being exclusive a try for a short period of time.

Stunned? Not as much as I am.

But I cannot stop smiling today. Even though this is the most spectacular fail of the 30 dates challenge probably ever on record. That is, assuming I never pick up the challenge again which of course I very well might.

2x4s (and mockery) are very very welcome.

Well, I personally think dating 30 people sounds like a chore, especially when you have found the one you like, but then again, you get the chicken before the egg, how do you know he is the one you like without 30 other dates?

My solution? Write a list and get real honest with yourself about if they are what you are looking for.

Is this the MB way? No, so take it as one man's opinion.

ak

Way ahead of you! I have been compiling a list throughout my separation and divorce. It's one of the reasons why I think an extended healing period and some time alone is a good idea.

One of the reasons I went for exclusivity with artistman is because he kept saying stuff that was pretty much my list exactly. And not the run-of-the-mill girl-pleaser sentiments either, they were things quite specific to me. It was quite jaw dropping the stuff he kept saying, actually. Like he was reading my mind.

The other thing is, we pretty came up with about ten really fun things we want to do with each other as dates. This happened very easily and it was all stuff I would struggle to get other people interested in. I have good friends who would not share my interests as well as he seems to.

That was sort of the clincher really, because the things we were suggesting were all-day dates rather than a few hours. I don't have all that much time to date and I just want to see where this goes. The original plan was to go on a series of disappointing and short coffee dates with numbers 1-30. But I must admit I like this one better.

It doesnt rule out the contrast effect entirely, because lets face it there are men everywhere and as a single woman, there's no need for me to put super high boundaries in place.

He said he would find it quite difficult for me to go on dates. But this was said matter of factly. He was very clear there would have been no moodiness or withdrawal from him had I decided to carry on. He offered to downgrade to 'just friends'if that was what I wanted.

It isn't and I'm happy to detour from the 30 dates plan for a few months while I get to know him better.

What? You are exclusively dating one man now?
That's too early????

Be careful, Indie. Personally I think it's waaaaay too soon for you to go exclusive with anyone, 30 date challenge or not.

You generally are pretty hard on most MB stuff so I must admit I am a bit surprised by your decision. I mean, I personally would never undertake the 30-date thing, but you seemed quite convinced by it...

ETA: Also, and I apologize if this is harsh, but I find your reasons for doing so (in your subsequent post) quite weak. You would be very tough on anyone who offered them (or reasons in a similar vein) as justifications for departing from the MB plan...

No that is a very fair point. I definitely would be.

I think I've said before that once a person is a bit older they have lived enough life to experience different men in various settings. It seems to me indie, that you've done the hard work of healing and compiling your list. I had mine made for YEARS before I was divorced. I made it as a personal insight type of exercise...it was clear my then husband was NOT a good choice but what exactly did I want? Once I made the list I put it away and rarely thought about it because really what was the point since I was already married.

When I became single I immediately went through one very very bad relationship. It lasted a few months. Once I extracted myself from that nightmare I got myself together and found my list. I tweaked it a little since it had been made a decade earlier in the middle of a very bad marriage. I remember one thing on the original list was 'not curse at me and call me names' . I realized that was part of basic human treatment and did not need a spot on my list and it made room for something more relevant.

It was only a few months later that I met my dh. We knew within days that we wanted to date....and in our world that means exclusive. In fact, dating multiple men at once has an ick factor to it IMO, even if there is no sex involved. We both also knew up front that we were interested in marriage not just extended dating.

I remember saying on here that we agreed on all the important points and someone said I couldn't possibly know that because I had not known him Long enough. But I did know. I could look at the way he had lived his life and know. The ability to look at history is very helpful and something that is not available to 20 year olds.

So sure be careful. Watch closely to see if his actions match his words. But when you find what you want you sometimes just know.

Well I am surprised to read the latest, Indie. I can certainly understand hitting it off with a man and being smitten but I also think you set yourself for this after reading this comment:


You are already labeling any date/meet up as disappointing? And limited? Why? THEY HAVEN'T EVEN HAPPENED YET and you didn't give them much of a chance to either. Maybe artist guy is a great catch but he is surely going to look all the better if this was/is your attitude. I suggest you re-read your posts in this thread...you only started it a few weeks ago.

Why are you willing to be exclusive so soon? I'm not a big believer of the 30+ dating patners but 1????

I do love to spark debate



Perhaps. I just think the vast majority of dates are non starters. Not all, but most if you listen to people's experiences. I was struggling to even get a date set up online in spite of chatting to many men because as soon as we got close, someone would say something I found 'off'.

I will definitely re-read my thread, that is a great idea.



I am not yet sure I am going to end things the challenge at number one. I could be back on the dating market in a few weeks' time, after all. I don't know him yet.



This does resonate with me. but I couldnt say I am anywhere near the point yet of 'knowing'.

I guess since I have always been the serial rather than parallel dater, I can empathize with indie's choice. I think that being exclusive can work, as long as you keep your wits about you, give it the test of time, and realize that the likelihood is that he will not turn out to be THE ONE. In which case you'll have to deal with a breakup, and move on to #2 of 30 .

AGG

I had a distinct advantage over you in that we were introduced by friends and then it turned out we had many mutual friends. I put out the word I wanted to know about him....all the feedback I got was consistent with what he was presenting to me.

Oh absolutely, I think you did have an advantage. I have to consider that I dont yet know who he is in the real world, and keep in mind how we met.

However if he walked into my newsroom I would totally run a story based on his word. No matter how differently I phrase a question, he gives the same consistent reply.

This is a technique that doesn't often fail in the search for truth, but I have to keep in mind that I dont usually get LB deposits at work!

I can empathize too. It is definetly a challenge to maintain a freeloader mentality when you've been a buyer for so long...and are more comfortable being a buyer. I get it.

After a long term marriage and surviving infidelity hell, being exclusive with a man would be a big deal *to me*...it would mean more than just an opportunity to get to know someone better. Indie and others may not share that exact same definition so that may be an issue too.

I understand feeling discouraged but would hate to see you cut things off based on other people's experiences. Yeah, yeah...the same could be said for all of what we are telling you now lol...listen to those people but not those other people

I know you aren't running to the alter or anything but I was very surprised to see you go exclusive with artist man after a couple dates given all that has been discussed.

Have you met any of his friends?

Not yet, but he is inviting me to meet whoever I want, including his mother.

He also is keen to meet my friends but I am sort of feeling sloooow is better there.

However this is one of the reasons I leaned towards exclusivity. I think I can find out more that way.

If I spend days with him, rather than short dates, and if I meet some of his friends etc, I think I will learn more about him.

Meet everyone. That is a great way to see into his real world. Friends and family are likely to give you clues and call him out if he is out of character.

Just my opinion.

You are a smart woman...and I am pretty sure that you will not let those addictive love chemicals blind you. Right?

Oh Indie! I'm surprised as well! I know you like him, but I would have jumped at the just friends status for at least for a couple of weeks. That way you could've found out a lot more about him, the more searching questions that you stayed away from the first few dates. e.g. his past relationships and why if he is such a great catch he hasn't settled down as yet???? I'm thinking the romantic love factor is coming on a bit too soon and will cloud your judgement.

That said I hope you proceed with extreme caution here and if you even catch a whiff of something that might be a red flag take note of it!

Looking forward to hearing how your 10 dates go. Keep your head on dear.

Yep. I agree, meet everyone. You ever notice in serial killer movies the guy who turns out to be the murderer has no family or friends...everyone died in a car wreck or something.