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Joined: Jan 2013
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Hello all,

I'm fluffymouse's H and thought it was time to start my own thread. Most of FM's thread is pretty accurate but I want to share my side of the story as well.

The discovery day was 11/8/12. My wife and I and her parents flew back from Europe after 17 days on the 7th. We arrived earlier back to the states than excepted so I decided to drive back home so I can get things in order before going back to the office and get some surfing in. During the trip we got into a few fights where I would just blow up. I wanted the trip to be romantic and wanted to rekindle the romance in our life. During the trip I felt that FM had no interest in me nor my feelings. We we only had sex once and it felt very forced. I felt very frustrated.. I mean this should have been an awesome trip that we both worked hard over the year to pay for. It felt strange and awkward. Anyhow I said some things during the trip that I regret.. throwing around the D word which I know now I should never do.

Anyhow,

I called my dad after I got back and talked to him about some of the issues I was having with FM. He asked if I thought she was seeing someone else.. I said no way. But I did go check her computer and sure enough I found irrefutable evidence of an affair. My heart stopped, I couldn't think, I felt like fainting. The jet lagged didn't help either. I was in complete utter shock. Not in 1,000,000 years would I think my wife could do such a thing.

I knew our relationship wasn't perfect but we had a great life. She works for home and owns her own business which allows her a very flexible schedule. She does what ever she wants. I make a decent earning and provide nicely. We had just upgraded to a very nice condo in the area my wife loves. We have several nice cars and take very good vacations once or twice a year. From an outside perspective everyone knew FM gets her way, is spoiled, and has a great life.

I don't drink, go out and party, or do anything stupid like so many other guys do. I'm in good shape and take care of myself as well. So I thought I was doing OK. So in my mind FM having an affair was the furthest thing on my mind. So when the bomb dropped it really shook me up.

In the near past FM mentioned she wished I would die so she could take my life insurance money and go somewhere with her sister. I found emails from the OM about alimony and him signing the email "her loving future husband". I went into full panic mode. I called all my credit cards cancelled them. Move the cars to a secure location. Changes bank accounts, moved my firearm outside the house. Took any cash around the house and put it in my bank. Called a divorce attorney and started the paper work. The emails and FB messages rang clear that she wanted out of the marriage and I was afraid that she was going to do something stupid like harm me to do it.

I then took the evidence and emailed it to her dad and called them.. told them what i had found out and said I couldn't be married to her anymore. He was upset and at first didn't believe me but the evidence was clear. I notified my parents and sent them copies of the evidence as well. I then called FM after about 12 hours of doing all this preparation. (she was still in LA since I came home early). She denied it until I started readying their chat conversations she had during our last night in Europe. (I was sleeping next to her while she was chatting with the OM).

It made me sick, the first thing she said was "why are you going through my things". Not that she was sorry nothing.. I think she was in shock. I sure was.

She stayed in LA that night and I started packing up her stuff. The next day she and her folks came down and moved some of her things. She changed all of her account passwords but I hacked back into them. She kept talking with the OM during this time. I told her that i wanted to go to counseling but then changed my mind.. I started reflecting over the last 10 years and home much lack of respect she had for me and how selfish she is. I started thinking maybe this was God's way to get me out of a toxic marriage. One that I should have never been in the first place. I'm a Christian and FM is not.. so right there I shouldn't have married her.

I would get up int he morning (if I could sleep and watch the FB messages fly between them). It hurt me deeply she saying she loved him and all this stuff. It really felt like a dagger in my heart after all the things I did for her. How much sacrifice I make to give her the life I thought she wanted.

Over the next few days she made the trip down to San Diego and gathered up the rest of her belongings. We spoke on the phone and emailed back and forth. That was the first time I cried since our wedding day. I pretty much sobbed each email I wrote back and forth and looking around seeing her things were not there. I felt extremely sad and alone thinking now.. what. I had my life figured out and now I get to start over.

During this time I started the divorce paper work which was hard to do. My parents are divorced and I hate divorce. I told FM I didn't get married to get a divorce. God hates divorce and so do I. But the affair crossed the line for me and I have a no cheating policy. So I did what I thought was right for me. Reconciling to come back into a marriage that I haven't been happy with for a LONG time wasn't something I wanted to do.

The next weekend FM and her sis came down due to a prior engagement and spent the night. I missed FM bad and asked if she wanted to sleep in the bed with me. Me knowing it wasn't a good idea wanted it anyways. So we were intament and it gave me hope that I could move past this.

She left and went back to LA. I continued to watch her FB messages and she was still chatting. It made me feel that I had to compete to get her back. So I started insisting that they stop talking and I wanted to work things out. She said she hadn't talked to him since she said that she still loved me. This was a lie and set me off. How can she lie to me at the most crucial moment of trying to fix this.. she lied and I called her out.

She freaked out that I said it was over. Told the OM it was over, he came to her house saying that he would give up his kids to be with her (FM doesn't like kids and OM had 2 little ones). She said it was over between him and he left broken hearted and upset. (she was his first GF and he her first BF)

He then emailed me some of their conversations and wished me good luck that she wouldn't do the same to me. I was adult about the situation even though I wanted to drive up to LA and beat him down. (still do).

That was the 19th of Nov. For the next 4 or 5 weekends FM would come down on the weekends and we would sit and talk. I would flair up and get upset and ask why about 100 times? She said she thought I didn't love her anymore. That was furthest from the truth. I may not say it ever buy my actions showed it. (I know now that she needs to hear it verbally, I was showing love the way I receive it, through actions).

I was still in shock. During the middle of the week when she wasn't around I would get serious doubts that I should try to work on things. I was scared things would go back to the way they were. Not really scarred that she would have another affair because I would never give her 3rd chance. A few times I told her I didn't want her coming own but then I said I did. I was thinking the tons of sex on the weekend we were having was blurring my thoughts so I needed some time to think. That was when FM first posted. The weekend I wanted time along to think.

Since then she has moved back in and things are getting better. I can tell she is putting a lot of effort into the marriage than before and taking my feelings into consideration. We have been able to talk open and honest about things from the past. I admitted that I had been watching porn very frequently like 2 or 3 times a week. Something I had been hiding since I met her 12 years ago. Getting that off my chest was a big relief and told her I needed her to help me quite the addition.

We have started going to church and doing bible study every day. Both of which I believe are helping. We are going through the love busters book which is hard reading and discussions.

I'm still having thoughts of her and the OM being physical together. The thoughts were about every 5 minutes at the beginning but now have subsided to a few times a day. I've come to accept the affair that think maybe it was needed so that we both WOKE UP and started putting effort into the marriage and meeting each others EN.

That's my story, please give me advise because I know I need it.

Some areas that I think I need help with.

AO against FM

The ongoing need to beat the **** out of the OM

The physical images of them stuck in my brain

Working on being more affectionate toward FM while still being upset with her for the A.

I haven't seen her parents since and feel that I need to have a conversation with them regarding that we need their support. They are very very reserved people and this will be so awkward that I might not even do it. (Complete opposites of my parents)

We are looking forward to going through the MB program and both start getting what we need out of the marriage. To conclude I'm hopeful and excited that we can get through this together and our love for each other will flourish. Oh and thank you for supporting FM and giving her the awesome advise. I really do appreciate.

Mr.Aqua


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I am glad you're here, friend. Have you ordered Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley? If not, do so. I am pressed for time now (dinner meeting) but will be back later tonight.

The one thing I want to leave you with is: You should commit to not making life-changing decisions for a period of six months to give the program time to work. Can you do that?

ETA: If you get a chance, read my story. You have handled yourself so much better than did I, and so much better than could have been expected.

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Welcome aboard, MrAqua!! smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hi NG,

FM ordered Surviving An Affair but it's up in LA still. I'm going to ask that her sister send it to us in SD. I think we should be starting with that book and save LB for another time?

I can commit to 6 months. I did cancel the divorce btw. I was a little freaked out about when the lawyer told me it was recorded. I saw that's it was my parachute out in case it didn't work out. But I'm an all or nothing type of guy so I'm going to be giving it 100% to make sure I don't have any regrets.

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Originally Posted by Mr_Aqua
I'm an all or nothing type of guy so I'm going to be giving it 100% to make sure I don't have any regrets.

Welcome, Mr. Aqua,

Your are doing GREAT. It is terrific that you are 100% in. FM is very, very fortunate to have you.

The LB book is really good to help you focus on the AO's, but Surviving An Affair is amazingly helpful for where you are at, and to help you see where you are going. The plan contained therein for healing, recovery and reconciliation is your path outta this. You may be surprised to see, as I was, how similar the actions of waywards are, almost like they had a common script.

Keep posting. It will help shorten your recovery time. The veterans here are such a valuable resource, and unavailable anywhere else.

BTW, the images of FM and OM will continue to lessen. There will be flare ups, so expect that. You are on the emotional roller coaster, en E-Ticket ride...


Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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Originally Posted by Mr_Aqua
But I'm an all or nothing type of guy so I'm going to be giving it 100% to make sure I don't have any regrets.

That is the perfect attitude. My suggestion would be to give it a year, though. This is not going to get fixed overnight but as long as you and your wife are committed, you can recover your marriage and end up with a much better marriage than what you had before. It really does work.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Mr_Aqua, I'm very sorry you've had cause to find your way here.

I'll offer a couple of random thoughts. (Others here can help you better than I. Unfortunately, I can only tell you about things from your wife's side of the street, not a betrayed spouse's side. I was also the last guy in the world whom my wife would ever have thought would've put her in such a spot.)

--Surviving An Affair is a book that may very well have saved my marriage four years ago. My wife doesn't post here much anymore, but she'd say so as well. Read it together. Write down questions. Share reactions. It sure won't be the most fun you've ever had by a long shot; but working through it in that way can help you both understand more about marriage and how to protect & nurture it, and as such, it'll be time very well-spent.

--I told FM this, but I'll tell you as well: It's good to schedule, in advance, the time when you're going to have hard conversations. This helps set expectations, it helps each spouse avoid feeling 'ambushed' by a tough conversation, and it helps you draw lines around the time that you'll be spending on hard stuff, so that it doesn't dominate your UA time.

--Try to avoid making assumptions about each others' top needs. Some things that you may have been doing very well & diligently for her, may not be ta the top of her list. And vice-versa. And bear in mind that needs can gradually shift in order of priority over time.

--Re: triggers and 'mind movies', there's a thread that was started on here by a former poster named Mark1952 called dealing with triggers, here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...rds=triggers&Search=true#Post2243578 There's stuff in here that can be applicable & helpful to both spouses.

--If there are some couples with whom you & FM have a good couple-to-couple friendship, whom you can both feel confident will have your individual best interests as well as the interest of your marriage at heart, then you might consider confiding in them together. They can be a source of accountability for her & of support for both of you. (I realize not every couple has friends like this in their lives, so this might not be applicable to the two of you.)

You're a man of great mental strength.
Hang in there.



Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Mr_Aqua,

Do you want children? It seems implied that you don't have children and FM does not want them.

Was the affair exposed to the other mans wife?

Did FM get check for STD?

God Bless
Gamma

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All I can say as a current BH whose wife is currently in affair is this: I wish I was in your shoes. You have given your wife a 2nd chance and she accepts it and making tons of progress. Override your instincts of anger and avoid lovebusters (another book you should read together). Follow the advice here and spend as much time as possible together. On the flipside, what EPs you have in place? What will you do if she contacts POSOM or breaks EPs?!

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Originally Posted by Gamma
Mr_Aqua,

Do you want children? It seems implied that you don't have children and FM does not want them.

Was the affair exposed to the other mans wife?

Did FM get check for STD?

God Bless

Gamma


I am more open to having children as I get older. I'm 30 now. My freinds are starting to have kids and that is opening up my eyes that maybe I would like them. FM does not want kids.

As far as what FM is telling me the OM's W knows about the affair. I didn't see proof but I believe what she is telling me is truthful. I did get checked for STDs last week and the tests were negative. FM is getting her test done soon.

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Originally Posted by TranquilDark
All I can say as a current BH whose wife is currently in affair is this: I wish I was in your shoes. You have given your wife a 2nd chance and she accepts it and making tons of progress. Override your instincts of anger and avoid lovebusters (another book you should read together). Follow the advice here and spend as much time as possible together. On the flipside, what EPs you have in place? What will you do if she contacts POSOM or breaks EPs?!


FM has changed her phone number, email address and deleted Facebook. The POSOM did email her old account a couple of weeks ago after promising her he wouldn't. I set up a block on her email. I do still read all of her emails and check her phone records. She is not allowed to go to LA without me. She knows that I will not be as graceful if anything like this or in the slightest happens again.

I'm sure the POSOM will try to contact her again and it will take a lot for me to not drive to his house and beat him. The one thing major thing that is stopping me is that he is a father, probably a bad one, but his kids will still need him.

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Originally Posted by Mr_Aqua
As far as what FM is telling me the OM's W knows about the affair. I didn't see proof but I believe what she is telling me is truthful.
Uh, I like FM's effort's thus far but I would follow Reagan's approach with this: Trust, but verify.

Get FM to give you all the info she has and call this woman yourself to confirm what FM has told you.

Seriously.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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Originally Posted by Mr_Aqua
As far as what FM is telling me the OM's W knows about the affair. I didn't see proof but I believe what she is telling me is truthful.

MrAqua, you have no way of knowing if this is true unless you have personally spoken to her. I can't tell you the times we have had waywards claim their spouse "knew" and it was a lie. Assume this is a lie unless you speak to her yourself. And just think, since she "already knows" it will hurt nothing to call her yourself and exchange information and contact details.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Mr_Aqua
She knows that I will not be as graceful if anything like this or in the slightest happens again.


Bang, bingo, we have a winner!

This is great; you have shown you have a backbone!


Now, how do we reinforce this truth?


Knock her socks off EVERY DAY, brother! Every day; THIS is what you were going to throw away. THIS is what is hanging by a string.

And don't stop knocking her socks off, ever again.

Trust me when I say that when SHE gets it, you will be rewarded.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Do it every three months some STD take awhile to surface. Follow triple H advice.

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The POSOM and his wife have been separated for 4 years. Apparently he knocked some poor girl up and has a 2 year old. My W doesn't have her phone number or email. I might be able to find her on FB' if she has one, and sent her a message. Would be a shot in the dark. I'm guessing she won't care considering his actions, but it's worth a shot.

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Wow this guy is a real winner.

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Originally Posted by Mr_Aqua
The POSOM and his wife have been separated for 4 years. Apparently he knocked some poor girl up and has a 2 year old. My W doesn't have her phone number or email. I might be able to find her on FB' if she has one, and sent her a message. Would be a shot in the dark. I'm guessing she won't care considering his actions, but it's worth a shot.
Just how do you know all this?


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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Mainly through what my W. has told me about him. I did see their FB conversations though and can confirm the 2 kids with 2 different women. He was fighting for custody for the 2 year old so he didn't have to pay child support. I think I should just beat him down for being an all around bad human being.

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welcome to MB, mr aqua. i am very glad to see you here. i think FM appreciates how lucky she is that you are so willing to give your M a second chance. i don't know how helpful i can be to a BH, but i'll pop by once in a while, as MB = MB, ya know?

you guys are off to a good start, with the extra bonus that FM is still in love with you (this puts you ahead in the WW stakes, i think). make sure you verify (too early for trust), keep tabs on NC, and once you've got EPs set, make sure you know what the consequences are going to be in advance and lay them out (ahem. rookie mistake not to do that, says the voice of experience!).

i just want to say from your post, that you said a lot about how good FM has it re work. this is something you'll want to work on for the "your side of the street" part of the program. it is good for a man provides for his family, but not if he runs down the wife for not earning as much. and if he's not fulfilling the intimate needs of the M (IC, RC, affection, etc), that FS can mean almost nothing in comparison. i'm not saying either of these things apply to you, just that i thought of them when reading your post.

i wish you and FM the best in your recovery, and look forward to seeing you both eventually on the recovery board! you are off to a very good start. now, go do what all the vets here are saying you need to do smile


fBW 49
xWH 55
DD 22
DDay 6/07
D 8/15
Letting Go
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