He sounds like he has never had a successful relationship.
It would be a mistake to try to mold him into someone that meets your ideals

Hi Indiegirl, when we met on this forum, one of the pieces of advice you gave me was that I had not dated enough to achieve the contrast effect. In fact, in this post you wrote:

Yet now you have decided to enter an exclusive dating relationship?

This might be an example of "do what I say not what I do," and I can certainly understand that because I do it too!

Just wanted to point out that statement you made last year so you can contrast it with your current dating decision.


Also, from the beginning of this thread,

It's the "I think" part I'm wondering about. Sounds like you might've had some reservations about the 30 dates contrast effect when you first posted this thread.


I'm not trying to dissuade you from dating exclusively, I just wanted to give you some food for thought.

I think what you're doing is great! I think you can be exclusive without a feeling of permanence and simply have fun getting to know someone else a bit deeper. While it may save you the heartache of a later break-up, I think going into a relationship cautiously can take the fun out of it.

I agree with pokerface that you are a smart woman. I say, go for it and have fun! You'll do the right thing.

"exclusive to me does not mean serious"

Really? Because it does to most of the human population.

Yes, meet his family; it's a great way to learn more about him.

But it is not always a red flag. Sometimes it is just a person being sick of game playing and wanting a real relationship. Dh was being O&H with me immediately.

I guess the real test for me is what does he want from Indie? If she continues to get to know him, especially in the context of his friends and family I think she will see the real artist man....good or bad.

Maybe I'm just odd but I don't meet friends and family members after a few dates. Not trying to be a downer, Indie but you have contradicted yourself a lot...and in a short period of time. If you weren't such a vocal MB member, a lot of what you have said may have gone under the radar but you have been vocal about not rushing things to others and that advice seems to have gone out the window.

I'll just shut up...for now.

He didn't have to get married to have a successful relationship. Two, multi-year relationships is not a bad thing IMO...may just be the opposite even. He is still young.

Well that just makes no sense to me. Exclusivity is a promise, a promise to not see other people, and if that is not serious, then I don't know what is . And you are talking about meeting his mom - that is also not serious?

The problem with exclusivity (one that you can avoid if you acknowledge it, but I am not seeing you acknowledge it) is that you lose perspective. When you do parallel dating, you can do real time comparing and contrasting, and you have more options to not put up with dealbreakers. Once you become exclusive, you have sort of put all the eggs into one basket, and there is tremendous pressure to avoid disappointment. And that often forces you to overlook things that you would otherwise not overlook. And indeed the deeper enmeshed you become (by meeting friends and family), the higher that pressure will become. I would very strongly recommend that you do not go down that path this quickly.

I think you can become exclusive (and acknowledge that it is serious and is a sort of commitment) and still go very slow. Not try to see him every free minute you have, but see him occasionally for dates, to give you lots of down time to process and observe. The less enmeshed you are, the better.

FWIW, when I met my now wife, J, I was in contact with probably a dozen other women online. I met about half of them in parallel with going out on dates with J over the next two months. And those parallel dates made me appreciate J that much more - but it took me about 2 months to decide to become exclusive with her. I think that was a very good pace.

AGG

It would totally turn me off if a man wanted to go out with me and other woman. If he can't give me exclusive attention long enough to get to know me and for us to see if we are a suitable match then I would not want to go out with him. It isn't a promise that he will marry me or me him.

There is often something deeply entrenched in a man with freedom and travel ... habits are difficult to change in their 30's ... be wise to what you need ...

Why would it upset you?
That is dating.

We cannot assume these were sexless relationships...that makes him fall hard into the freeloader and/or renter spot...hence bad habits were built over the past decade or more.

I think I said it would turn me off. And dating is done in different ways. As I said if a man can't focus his attention on me long enough to determine if I am a yes or no for him then he isn't the one for me.

I hope this doesn't turn into another thread about morals about sex outside of marriage...that doesn't make a person 'bad' marriage material IMO. I assume the man is not a 30 yr old virgin.

Hi Indie, I think what several posters are concerned about is that by going into a relationship with artist man too fast (and "too fast" is a relative term), you risk becoming emotionally vulnerable before you've had the time to develop trust with artist man. That's true; if you go too fast, you do risk emotional vulnerability and possible subsequent heartbreak.

In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, the essence of living is vulnerability. I would rather risk emotional pain and enjoy the feeling of free-ness that comes with following my heart and becoming vulnerable; I would rather do that than be cautious in a relationship. You survived the break-up of your marriage, and you'll survive the break-up of any dating relationship you're in if it happens.

The vibes I get from you tell me that you can both enjoy an exclusive relationship with artist man and be smart about red flags at the same time.

Well said.

The real risk is not heartbreak (that is the lesser risk); the bigger risk is becoming involved and blinded, and then getting married too soon, based more on the great warm fuzzy feelings than on true deep knowledge of the other person.

AGG

Well I figured as much. The point was to ask who brought up the exclusive discussion. Anyway, I want to agree that meeting his folks so soon also seems like it's going a bit quickly. I'd use the fact that you'd be there on Saturday as the perfect excuse to get a few more weeks of dating under your belt before you meet his folks.

Neither have I!! This definition would limit me to married men and widowers.



I still think the contrast effect, in the form of male friendships, flirting etc is important. And the fact that this relationship is casual and not 'binding' too, absolutely. But I do feel like rather a hypocrite, yes



That is not the understandsing between me and artistman.

The most attractive part of his offer was that part. The slow, not serious part. I hadn't expected someone to offer me that and yet only want to date me.

Serious means you will fix things if they go wrong. Sort it out. In this case if things are just slightly off key, or we don't get along as we hope, it's over. We both understand that.



I have never claimed to be the all knowing and I am aware that on THIS thread I am the least objective voice.

That is the whole point of this thread. So don't be shy.

As to your point, ordinarily I would agree with you. If I had met him at work, or through mutual friends, I wouldn't want to meet his mother at this early stage.

But there is a lot to be said for it when you have met online.

And I don't 'want' to meet his mother or get serious.

Nowhere have I said that, I ASKED for feedback as to the tactics of it.

True. A person in such a situation as Indie has to be honest with herself.