Why do you think you missed something? He was the first date.


I don't care how many fine examples of heart following there are out there, I will not be following my heart!

I have a damn fine head.

I didn't say follow your heart. I am not a fan of follow your heart thinking actually.

As for the rest of your comments about my life I have no idea what you are talking about. I have a wonderful husband and our marriage is still a dream to me. Maybe you have me confused with someone else.

Sorry, Indie if I'm harping.

Here's the thing. You don't seem to CONTEST the 30 date thing. You seem to still think it's a good idea...

So, doing the contrary in the face of what you think is the "right approach" seems very odd, and NOT logical.

If you DIDN'T think the approach made sense, I would understand it more.

It's a wee bit like saying that you agree with, oh, pure NC in Plan B, but don't do it.

You know?

Also, I am not understanding the "contrast" effect from a bunch of guys with whom you interact in the most superficial of ways.

Are you saying that you will be open to LB deposits from them?

Just curious.

I just wanted to put in two pence worth about on-line dating here. Because you can do such an effective job projecting yourself on line (and I'm sure you did Indie as you are a great communicator) and screening people is so effective, it is possible to get far better apparent 'matches' than you would get in real life. Also far more interesting onces as the system helps you to connect to people who you would not normally meet.

But that can be a two edged sword as someone can seem amazingly compatible but you don't really know who they are until you have spent tons of time together. It is what happens in an unexpected situation that is most telling about a person. How is she when his dog eats her shoe, how is he when she crashes his car. That stuff.

This doesn't have any bearing on the 'exclusive' discussion by the way, it's another issue.

I'm still interested in hearing how the decision to be exclusive came about especially since you'd been so adamant about the 30 dates.

In my simple minded opinion (which I often get censored and complained for) ; you are just doing your own thing.
There is nothing wrong with that.
But you write Too many contradictions.

Why don't you just email Dr Harley for his opinion?

I've heard him recommend 2 years before dating after divorce?

Indie.
I don't care what you do in your dating life.

One guy.
Thirty guys.

You have to live it and you get to choose.

It is just so funny you switched plans so soon.

Indie, I�m not sure that I should bother, since you seem to be ignoring my posts, but I�ll try anyway. I�ll repeat that like you, I was a serial dater after my divorce, and I thought that it made sense to focus on one person than spread myself too thin. So believe me, I get where you are coming from.

But as I also said, I realized the downside of that approach. Part of it is the putting all eggs into one basket issue that I mentioned earlier. Another one is the whole problem of letting someone meet your needs and thus filling your lovebank, which really tends to cloud your judgment. As I said, the biggest risk is that you may get so blinded and lovestruck that you won�t notice the red flags until too late.

You know, if you look at my posts on this board some 8 years back, you�ll see a lot of folks bashing me for spouse-shopping back then. And you�ll see me arguing back that I was doing nothing of the sort. But the frustrating reality is that outsiders often see you much more clearly than you see yourself, especially when you are smitten, and in a way these folks were right. I was meeting women in order to find a spouse, so in a way I was indeed spouse shopping. What I should have been doing instead was doing comparative shopping before buying anything. That is, meeting a bunch of women for light dates (coffee), chatting with them, honing my skills of interacting with the opposite sex in a dating but pressure free environment. The minute you become exclusive with someone, that opportunity goes away. You can tell us all you want that you are holding the �30 dates� threat over artist man�s head, but you have already invested yourself into a relationship with him, and with that comes pressure.

One other thing. Like you, I spent a lot of time reflecting, thinking, and reading about dating, relationships, etc, after divorce. So I thought that I was ready to meet �the one�. What I found is that reading is one thing, putting it in practice is another. There simply is no replacement for meeting lots of dates casually and trying them on for size (shopping), to really see who you click with. When I started dating after my divorce, the first three or four women that I ended up in relationships with were totally wrong for me. It took me years and many dates to figure out who the right type of person was for me, and she was nothing like what I thought was right for me early on. That did not happen through thinking or reading, that happened through trial and error. Unfortunately exclusivity short circuits the trial and error approach.

I will never say that becoming exclusive with someone early on cannot work � I can think of at least three recent examples here that seemed to work. But it is definitely going against the odds. That is the only reason that most of us are harping on you � it is not to criticize, it is to protect someone we care about on MB. Hope you take it that way.

AGG

I do.



Nnnnoooo, I don't think so anyway. NC in Plan B can cause nervous breakdowns and puts off healing. I can still get contrast effect while concentrating my dating time on ine person for a short period of time.



Of course, I'm not married.



I just liked the idea of spending time with someone and concentrating on those dates for a while. Then I'll review. The 30 dates can be resumed at any point.

I am quite surprised that I even want to do this. I would have thought it would take much longer than this to find someone I want to be around for more than a short period of time. Plus there's nothing to say this won't hit a wall in a weeks' time. It's too soon to tell.



That's a consideration and if I feel like I get stuck or undecided its an option. For now though I am perfectly happy with my choices.



I was very careful to ensure I was healed before even embarking on this journey and starting this thread/dating. I don't have any children and I have healed within a dark Plan B. I haven't been divorced longer than four months, but the separation was a long, healing process of nearly a year.



Not at all, I'm considering everything.



I do!

When I wrote earlier about following your heart, I should have added, "and don't lose your head."

I think some people are better than others at following their heart while at the same time keeping their head. You have my vote of confidence because I think you can do both.

That was the idea I was agreeing with....the part about allowing ourselves to be vulnerable while being smart.

I wont be following my heart at all, I have to see sense and logic and the potential for needs to be met long term. The heart simply does not take long term, truth or sense into account. It isn't designed to.

Time, information and my education on here will give me the data I need.

That said, I do think I have to allow men to met my needs. Does it make me more vulnerable? Perhaps, but I am not in my Plan B protected bubble, refusing all needs and OS friendships any more and that is just how it is.

I've had some criticism here for allowing needs to be met simply by accepting some pictures. I do so appreciate that criticism too.

Yes, accepting pictures is allowing an affection need and that will affect me. But how else can you tell if someone can meet that need in a way you like?

One day he sends me a pic that I really like. today he has sent me some poetry I don't. That reveals we dont have the exact same tastes in everything.

How else do you learn about this stuff, except to do it?

Dating is by definition the act of allowing to have some of your needs met. I don't think anyone is arguing against that. By all means, do it.

What people are saying is that if you have those needs met by a variety of men, you are better poised to do comparative shopping than if you allow only one man to do the same.

AGG

I couldnt agree more

It's hard juggling a bunch of suitors. I think it's a good idea to concentrate on one at a time. Or two:)

Give it a few weeks. Then reevaluate. If it's worth going a few more weeks, keep going. If it's not worth continuing with any further, cut bait.

Don't get too emotionally involved at this point.

And when you cut bait, cut bait. Don't string people along. Don't continue
with a relationship you're not interested in based on the other person's feelings. Now is the time you need to do what's right for Indie.

TE

Yes it is the juggling thing really, time etc.

There was one point on the sites when I couldn't keep everyone's name straight, particularly as they are anonymous. It's also very time consuming trying to figure out who is lying etc.

I havent given up on the dating sites, I think they are brill if you have the time to spare. One more reason to get a less consuming job. I just got a bit fed up of people wanting to email incessantly without meeting. It really started to feel like a chore and if I am going to give these dates with artist man a go, that will eat up what little time I did have.

I can flirt with some people who will be out on Saturday night, that'll do for now. I feel like there's enough on my plate really.

Just wanted FWIW that I don't have a problem with anyone dating one or two people at a time. If Indie had just shown up here saying I am dating artist guy, blah blah, I wouldn't have even blinked.

It was the complete 180 regarding the 30 dates/contrast effect that she was so gung ho about that was the red flag for me, that she has started falling for this guy too quickly that she has lost objectivity. She even seemed to recognize it as it was happening...



And I don't really get your comments, Indie, about not liking to juggle being a reason to completely give up your quest to "contrast effect" date. You don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. You can control the amount of men you are talking to. I would take 2-3 men at one time, respond with short emails and if they didn't ask out w/n a couple of emails -- NEXT. Then I would respond to the next one that I was interested in. Some men might have to wait a while to get a response, it was never a problem. If you get overwhelmed with the attention you are getting, you can just hide your profile until things cool down. This is not uncommon in online dating.

Indie, not only did you tell us about 7+ men you were talking to online, but you wanted to announce on FB that you were looking for dates? And you were going to ask friends to set you up? Now you can only handle one at a time? Lots of contradictions going on here.

Anyway, it seems your mind is made up so I am not going to argue with you so that's probably the last post for me on this subject. Good luck:)

Thanks. There are lots of good points you are making and if artist man was already considered a dud, I would still be pursuing that, albeit on a smaller scale.

But it is very time consuming to see him enough to learn anything about him. I still wouldn't have gone for it if it was at all serious though.

My friends do know I am still interested in a bit of contrast effect. They are all diehard matchmakers and they get where I am coming from, even if few other people do.

I just can't seem to get across to many of the people I meet that by dating I am not spouse hunting, relationship hunting or wanting a pen pal. That I just want to meet and flirt a bit. I think I will get further and expend less time and energy if I keep my contrast effect limited to lighter, non date situations.

It could work. Or it might be horrendously ineffective. I would never have guessed how much work dating was when I started this whole thing.