It's been over two weeks since we heard from you, kiddo.
Your friends here will soon start to worry about you.
(Not ME, because I'm heartless, but other folks......)

yes we are all totally fooled.....

Yes we are fooled, bit by whom or what? Ourselves.

That is why we must believe in something higher than ourselves, and "Damn the torpedoes ! Full speed ahead !"
EAOTP

No, NG, you're not heartless by a long shot! I appreciate your concern. I'm fine, just haven't had much to update with. I came here and vented, which I probably shouldn't have done, and probably just need to find another outlet. I swing from anger to sadness/hopelessness to bitterness without a lot of other emotional stops in-between. And feel guilty for doing so...the problems I am dealing with in my life pale in comparison to so many others' trials.

b_r is right, I am a conflict avoider by nature, and even though I have tried to change that I'm doing it again with this whole divorce/not divorce mess.

Moot point right now as we're broke, and since the check hadn't been cashed I had to use that money for bills. I just want to get through the holidays at this point. I need his help with the kids since I am working my FT job and a seasonal retail one I unwisely signed on for, and #1 I don't have the money to pay for childcare and #2 I can't rely on my mother as much for childcare, as she just hasn't been the same since Dad was killed, although truthfully, none of us have been, but that's a whole other issue.

So I suppose he and I are just using each other at this point. I'm not in love with him, he's not in love with me, and I realize that is never going to change without a two-person effort...and I also realize that two-person effort will never happen, not with broken and me.

Recently I cleaned out the cabinets in the family room, and found all the books we'd amassed over the last 3 years, ostensibly to help deal with my adultery and try to rebuild our marriage. Worksheets we'd printed off and put into 3-ring binders. I even found the one and only ENQ's we'd done back in the summer of 2010. I tossed pretty much everything and boxed the books up, figured I'd donate them to church, and I'm selling the HNHN home course (unused! unopened!) if anybody wants it. I would have put all that effort into repairing our marriage, but can't really see myself putting that effort into a future relationship. Chances are, once I told any potential future suitor of my adulterous past, that would effectively end any chance at a relationship. Damaged goods.

I'm pretty much resigned to the status quo for now. Unless I (we?) get some kind of Christmas miracle, I'll most likely be putting the house on the market early in the new year and looking for a new place to live. I know what I need to do. I'm just avoiding actually doing any of it.

To those of you reading who might be on the verge of committing adultery - maybe you've relaxed your boundaries around that attractive co-worker, flirted with the attractive person at the gym, or just exchanging messages on FB with that old high school flame: stop it. You very well may lose everything, and for what? Nothing.

To those of you who have cared about me & broken, merry Christmas, and hope that you have a prosperous New Year. I doubt I'll be back much unless something changes in my sitch, but whatever happens, I'll be OK.

WPG,

Chances are, once I told any potential future suitor of my adulterous past, that would effectively end any chance at a relationship. Damaged goods.

You are not damaged goods, you are improved goods, you have take all the necessary actions to recover your marriage and have made every effort to give your H just compensation.

I think many future suitors who listen to you and understands the depth of your regret will respect you for what you did and the person you have become. This is much better than finding out secrets about a dating partner when you are engaged or worse married.

If there is a rarely mentioned side effect of MB it is that it makes you a better person generally.

God Bless
Gamma

This is clearly from the mouth of your BH as it was from my mouth upon my wife's dday and subsequent days of angry outbursts.

Its as preposturous today as it was then. First, its not like you are going to wear your "Former Adulterer" name tag on your future dates. Second, you will be the most amazingly deep, well thought out, attentive, and charming person to date because of the things you learned here.

You will know that if any prospective relationship material has a problem with what broke up your marriage well before you tell him.

Dont let some BH hogwash like "damaged goods" become your moniker. Its just one of the ways we made ourselves feel good after being hurt.

wpg, I want to shake ya and hug ya. Enjoy your holidays with the girls and then stop avoiding the conflict. Nothing will get better by doing nothing..and it can get worse.

You are not damaged goods. I went on a few dates with a FWH. He disclosed his adultery to me on the first date w/o knowing I was a FBW. I have a lot of respect for people who can admit their wrongdoing, own it and learn from it. There may be people (not just dating partners) who may shut the door on you. If they do, take it in stride and move on.

Merry Christmas! (((wpg)))

I have no magic bullet for your situation, Wulffie, but I would ask you one question. If you are not actively posting here, what are you doing for support?

And the support I mean is not hand-holding and "There, there-ing", which would be charitably called "passive" support. I want to inquire as to your sources of "active" support, kiddo, so that these words - anger to sadness/hopelessness to bitterness" - disappear from your every day life.

Your children will never again be 9 and 10. Their outlooks will inevitably take some direction from your emotional state, and your being "accepting, optimistic, and purposeful" would be much more beneficial to them.

The week before Christmas is no time to wield 2x4s, so I'm going to politely, humbly, ask you to think about this, okay?

X 2 Wulfie

X3. I am getting nervous. I almost never agree with these guys, but they are spot on.

Prayers for you for a better life.

AM

I am getting nervous. I almost never agree with these guys...

You shouldn't worry, AM. Depending on the day of the week (position of the planets? phase of the moon? status of the tides?),
I have often found myself at odds....with myself! Now THAT can make one nervous!
We're getting to him!
Shut up, Red!

Me too. I'm not perfect either. I was within a whisper of an EA once. It is the 'I would never cheat so I can have OS friends' brigade, and current liars, who make me nervous.

(tj)

It is the 'I would never cheat so I can have OS friends' brigade, and current liars, who make me nervous.

It is a remarkable coincidence that you make this statement, ig, because another one you made recently on a different thread has kept me pondering all week, about an element in my own story. No, it's not a bad thing, but just something that I missed, that I want to eventually explore, and that stands in contrast to your statement above.

Sorry, Wulffie!

(/tj)

Merry Christmas, Wulffie!



I pray that the peace and salvation that this Holiday truly represents can enter your life in a meaningful way.

I hope all is well WPG.

You have erred. You take responsibility.

Only a fool would date a cheater who blamed their victim.

But, someone who made a massive mistake, and owns it? That is another story...

WPG,

I know this is a day late but I really hope you had a Merry Christmas. No advice for you but just letting you know you are in my thoughts and prayers always. I was excited to get on here and catch up on your post.


You are so far from damaged goods...I look fwd to the day that you can look in the mirror and see this.

Wulffie, your last post here on your own thread is dated 17 December.

While your two posts to FM and TF were, as always helpful and "on point", it cannot be realistic that in a month nothing has happened that you might not to discuss here. I did note the following, in your note epilogue, which I think is a recent addition: Divorcing.

When last you wrote, you and broken had not taken the step of filing. Has one of you done so? If so, how are you, and how are the girls, coping? A period of this kind of disruption in your life, I would aver, is NOT the time to withdraw from discussion, but to more assiduously seek support from colleagues like us.

Come here (or start a new thread?) to VENT, to ASK, to EXAMINE, to EXPLORE, or just to HOWL AT THE MOON! (Wulffie howling at the moon? Sorry!) It would have been a relief just to hear you gloat at the NC State win over Duke!

You're still helping folks here; will you not let us help you?

NG, thank you for your concern...I wish I had some positive news, although the Pack beating the Dukies was pretty awesome - now if we can do the same to those stinking Tarheels this weekend THAT will be something to howl about! By the way, did you write something recently about going to see the Albany Devils play hockey? I remember when Albany's team was the River Rats!!!

The thing is, I know what needs to be done, but I am assiduously avoiding doing any of it. I have located some local attorneys who do a flat-fee no contest divorce, which seems the most financially prudent way of terminating our marriage (the original attorney I'd contacted was not local, and she was horrible at following up on anything). broken is still unemployed and finances are strained since the holidays, although I am hopeful that the end of the month things will be less bleak. I had a small inheritance from my grandmother that I am now having to use to pay Medicaid - they filed a claim on the estate and thankfully they settled for what I had - so "extra" money is scarce. Since neither of us is contesting anything, once I file, the process itself will only take about a month.

I have occasionally tried to engage him in conversation - if not about "our" future, then his - his lease was for 6 months and I have no idea if he's renewing it. I ask him about his job search. Other than that, there is little conversation of any import between us.

I can't say as I have "analysis paralysis" because, well, there are no options to analyze...I just have paralysis. When I sit and think about all that needs to be done I just...sit. Selling the house is my biggest hurdle. I realize I can't afford it on my own, too much upkeep for just me, it's too big for me & the girls, etc. etc. I am worried about things that may show up on a home inspection that I couldn't afford to repair/replace. The thought of having to pack up everything...and then what to do with broken's stuff since he has a tiny apartment? (I know, his problem, right? But it wouldn't be his problem but for me!) The thought of actually having a new home is an enticing one, though, and other than the fear of the house languishing on the market, I am OK with (part of me even a little excited about) moving. I asked broken at the end of the year if he wanted me to call the realtor to look at the house after the new year, and once the "fiscal cliff" deal went through and his unemployment was extended, he essentially said there was no rush. I haven't rushed b/c there are several projects that need to be done before it could be put on the market, and working 60-hour weeks up till the New Year holiday kinda sapped my energy.

So no, nothing really of consequence is happening, or has happened in the last month. I did finally realize that divorce is inevitable, the alternative being to consign myself to limbo forever. While I think broken still has some feeling for me as the mother of his children, I think he doesn't care much for me as a human being. I have seen him roll his eyes at me when he doesn't think I am looking, he walks away when I am talking, things like that. Although he helps with the kids, stepping in when my work schedule is crazy, even cooks dinner most nights and does the grocery shopping. Sometimes the 4 of us go out to eat, go shopping together, etc. It's a rather bizarre separation. The only thing I can figure is that 3 of his top 5 EN's were FC, DS, and FS, and apparently he is comfortable enough with how they are being met that the others don't really matter. And since those are non-intimate ENs, they aren't creating any LB$ deposits, so he doesn't love me, therefore doesn't care about my ENs. I know where this is at on the buyer-renter-freeloader continuum. And I am not just talking about broken, I'm talking about me as well. I do get some needs met, just none of the intimate ones, and right now I am, if not content, precisely, in a tolerable situation. Most of the time I have no interest in getting any intimate needs met - any odd admiration that comes my way from men just makes me feel creeped out, and the only thing I truly miss is someone to talk to.

I know I'm not getting any younger. I am a worrier by nature, and my latest worry is that I am going to end up with Alzheimer's or some form of dementia like my great-grandmother, my grandmother, and all her sisters...every time I forget something I wonder how old my grandmother was when it first hit her. I joke about it, but I feel like I've got maybe 30 years left and I don't have someone who will love me enough to care for me. Morbid, I know. I fall asleep at night and one night I dream about moving on with my life, and the next I dream that broken is asking me if he can come home.

And every day I wish I hadn't f***ed things up as irreparably as I did. I think that's why I felt compelled to post to FM and TF, to try and help them NOT to eff up like I did. And TF's story was just so similar to mine, with the long period of trickle-truth, it just resonated with me. I am trying to focus right now on being a better mother, trying to focus on my job (jobs - PT online teaching again - no more night classes, which is kind of a relief, and no more retail, which is DEFINITELY a relief). To be honest, while I miss the cameradierie here, some days it's hard for me to come around and even lurk, because while I am happy for the success stories, a part of me is sad, because I wanted that so much for broken and myself, and even though our marriage wasn't a bed of roses, I still ultimately blame myself.

I know it sounds like a lot of doom and gloom, but I am beginning to feel OK again. Part of that was recognizing that I was not being a good mother to the girls because they were so afraid of upsetting me - whether it was talking about their dad or talking about their grandpa since he passed away - that they tended to keep things to themselves, and I talked to both of them pretty frankly about it and have been trying to make time to talk to them each day, especially my oldest, who starts middle school (yikes!) next year and is starting to show all those early signs of growing up (yikes again!). They are absolutely the most important people in my life, and I intend to make sure they know that, and feel that, every single day.

Thank you for updating us, WPG.

I have no competence to assist you, or broken, in dealing with the emotional churn you are still going through. I will, however, tap my "program management" training and maybe get you off the state of inactivity you seem to be in.

What is one, small, definable task that could help you with the biggest challenge - the house sale? If you're like most families, I'll wager it is deciding what to do with the no-longer-needed "stuff" from the years of living there: kids' toys, old furniture, etc.

Get rid of all that now. The girls can help. Go to the basement, attic, garage or shed, or wherever your pile is the largest, and get it gone. The easiest way is to have dropped off one of those 12-yard dumpsters. Fill it up and let them haul it away. The usual cost is about $250, and you'll have a week to fill it.

What do you think?