Janna,

Actually if you keep the paragraphs short as you have it seems easy to read good job.

God Bless
Gamma

The man has to radically change his life because he knows he can walk all over Janna ... he has no need to change.

It has been the Wild Wild West in his life for decades.

He has to give up everything ... cell phone, computer, vehicle, free time, all travel, any place he can get a fix. Janna would need to be with him almost 24/7 ...

I say email Dr. Harley ... your WH will need to counsel extensively with someone who will hold him accountable.

Another interesting development.....one of the side OW (i think she was a one night stand) sent a friend request on FB to H yesterday. He deleted the email notification and did nothing on FB...if hes even been in there. I deleted it and blocked her. Then I sent her a friend request from my FB. We were actually friendly...not friends at one point long ago. She hasnt responded to me....no surprise. I think I may have actually caused this by going to her page with husbands page thereby making him pop up as someone she knows. Not sure. In any case, no indication he has been in contact w/her by phone or email.

The OW he has recently been in contact with changed her FB name to a hyphenated name using her maiden-married name today. She's never used that name in the 20+ years Ive known her and I cant think of any reason to unless youre trying to make sure people you knew before marriage can contact you?

Her BS has not returned any of my contacts. He added a couple of friends but didnt respond to my request. No answer to my email to FB or my voicemail. I didnt try again because we have guests and I didnt want her calling here ranting about me contacting him like she did last time. Will try tomorrow and see what if anything he knows. Im not entirely confident he saw or picked up my messages.

I dont know what if anything any of this means. Just recording it for future reference.

Janna

That reminds me. I have a technical question about facebook.

Can I message more than one person at a time? There are 80 people on her friends list. Do they have to go one at a time?

Thanks.

Janna

Space them out at least 3 min apart. You may get temporarily shutdown, so make sure you prioritize her list with family first and married people next.

I dont think H has been in contact with OW since I confronted him. The cell phone is laying on the counter untouched since I confronted him. The last verified contact was mid Dec.

What I dont know is if there was contact between mid-Dec and when I confronted him. He of course says no.

I tend to believe him for this reason.....she contacted our son(who works at the same place she left) to tell him goodbye. H told me this. Son was bewildered why she would message him and H acted like he was too.

Not sure why he even told me. Subconsciously wanted to be caught, testing to see if I knew anything? Anyway, my first thought was "thats hugely inappropriate". Of course, the more I thought about it the more I realized she would never have contacted son 5 years after the A ended unless she was in contact with H and felt she was on good enough terms with him that he wouldnt be mad. I think she was also trying to get herself on H radar because he wasnt calling her as much as she wanted. Who knows.

Anyway, I really want to know if he lied to me about the contact from mid Dec to when I confronted him and I wont have access to that info for about 5 days. I am thinking I should wait for that info until I expose.

Janna

I hope to be able to discuss with H him writing a NC letter tonight.

I am going to ask him to draft it because he needs to take responsibility for it and also I want to see what he says.

Of course, I will edit it and send it myself.

That being said, I think its important for him to address that she was not so special as she thinks...i.e. that he was involved with other people at the same time. Also, to address that they cannot go back to the friendship they had pre-A.

She made a big point of telling me the last time we spoke that she was not like "2 OW that predated her" that she knew about. H said at the time that she meant she wasnt going to be intimidated by me or slink off in a corner at work and hide in shame.

Also, she presented the "relationship" to her family and at least one best friend as not being an A "because H was separated from me and she and her BH were "having problems" and he then she filed for D while they continued to live together.

My H also likes to defend himself with this logic. Of course,
its illogical given the A started while we were M and living together and was one of the reasons we separated.

Does anyone see a problem with including language like this.

Janna

Advise you to stick with the NC letter templates as much as possible.

The focus in those puts the emphasis where it should be... on reconciling the marriage, and the terrible pain it caused YOU.

It is not about the relationship with the OW. It is NOT a good-bye letter, or a love letter. It states his plan to have no further contact.

The only addendum Taffy made was to tell the Dolly to whom she should refer any business-related correspondence. Otherwise, he followed the exact wording in the templates.

My FWH had no problem at all giving me access to his cell phone and left it laying around all the time.........AFTER HE BOUGHT AN AFFAIR PHONE (PRE-PAID WALMART THING) THAT ONLY SHE HAD THE NUMBER TO !!!!!!!

LuvsDavid

I dont think he has another phone. While he was away for the day I ripped the house apart and while he was sleeping I did the same with his car. If he has one its buried in the yard which is unlikely.

Sure he could get one, but he could also find one of the few remaining pay phones and call her collect. I will keep my eyes open, but my guess is he is far to frugal(and I only use that word because I promised him I would not call him cheap to incur the expense of an extra phone). If he is that determined to be in contact he will just leave imo.

Of course, anything could change, but as I have said he is a lazy cheater and if it becomes to complicated it will be too much trouble for him...especially just for an ego stroke via a phone call.

Part of the reason he got away with this for as long as he did is that I was lax in checking the phone(I was very ill....hospitalized for two weeks...long recovery). I also did not know I could get call detail. He still doesnt know I can get it and therefore will think its safe to use his phone if he does it away from me and is careful to delete things.

He believes I figured the contact out from the incident with her emailing son.

He is probably just trying to make sure I calm down and possibly even his version of extra precautioning himself not to call her...I dunno.

Janna

I thought the same thing......i found the affair phone 9 months and 5 days after dday. Keep looking. Bottoms of end tables, old coat pockets, behind tool boxes, suffed inside boxes that hold garbage bags, underneath file folders, inside unused luggage....you get the idea.

I wanted to address this to clarify. I did not have WS go to counseling for purpose of dealing with his infidelity. We were separated; he had been increasingly verbally/emotionally abusive and it was escalating. At that time, I was becoming afraid of him and more than that, I was done. We had a huge fight and he walked out. When he calmed down and wanted to come home I told him no and that I would not consider it unless he got himself(by himself) into anger managment/domestic violence
counseling.

I had no idea at that time what his childhood issues were other than his father was slightly abusive.

Long story short, he did take responsibility and learn how to make choices, take actions not to be abusive to me. We were not addressing his adultery per se at that time.....I didnt care.

He has never used his childhood issues to justify his adultery to me.

But, just to be clear to anyone else who may be in a similar sitch.....never go to counseling with someone who is abusing you.

Janna

I don't understand what you are trying to salvage. What you've described doesn't sound like a husband/wife relationship; it sounds like a repeat offender/parole officer relationship. I'm sure you realize that you cannot fix these problems by policing him 24/7.

LuvsDavid

Thanks for the tips. I checked all those places. It is relatively easy for now. We are in transition between two houses and this one is sparsely furnished until we move our stuff.

Janna

Like any other marriage, his infidelity is not the sum total of our life. Lots of people on here have recovered M with repeat offenders or H who broke NC more than once.

I dont plan on policing him 24/7. And really, thats no different than anyone else here. You can establish all the EP's in the world and if someone wants to cheat they will.

Janna

Like any other marriage, his infidelity is not the sum total of our life.

Hasn't he had a secret second life throughout your entire marriage?

Lots of people on here have recovered M with repeat offenders or H who broke NC more than once.

But no BS has been able to accomplish it singlehandedly.

Jessica

H did not have A during our entire M. But thats not really the point. That M ended when we separated for all intents and purposes. I am concerned today about what is going on now.

As for accomplishing it singlehandedly, I dont understand what you mean. Can you elaborate?

BTW, do you mind if I ask what your situation is? I see you post a lot to others, but couldnt find your story. Are you a BS or a WW or something else?

Janna

Interesting developments today.

H self exposed to son and much to my amusement set himself up to take a poly.

I questioned him on something and told him I didnt believe his answer was fully truthful. He jokingly said, "Why dont you go online and order a poly machine. Its the only way you are going to believe me."

I replied that maybe I should. He persisted that I should and he would pass. So, I said, "Would you really take a poly if I wanted you to?"

He said, "Yes". Of course, Im sure he has no idea that people are doing that lol or that I meant actually go to a professional who gives them.

Janna

I would take him on his offer.

This thread has example questions in it.
Polygraph Testing