Yeah Makes total sense...He could have said 50 different people and it would have meant the same thing

Now if you meet what you feel is mr right on date 29, get married, and then have problems, you can't go back and say.."Jeez now if I only waited for number 30.."

To me it is a general question, when you want someone to fill a specific role, Wife/Husband...Father/Mother...Oh and lets not forget freind...Oh wait.. that should be first right?

Of course it should...

No Pressure, take 100, 1000 dates till you find the one..

Indie,

Please excuse the dumb question, but you have made several mentions of flirting to interest possible dating candidates., and I find myself wondering what you mean by that.

So are you teasing these guys, or is it body language? I guess I don't understand the subtle ways that one can express interest, or pick up on when someone is interested in you.

ak

Well Britain has quite a subtle culture, so something as overt as saying outright that you want to date someone is being misunderstood as me wanting a relationship/kissing/way too much etc.

What I'm trying to do instead (and it may or may not work) is just spend time mixing and socialising with people. Smiling and being interested in conversation (if it is interesting). Paying compliments (if I have something sincere to say) and just generally keeping the sort of open and available boundaries appropriate for a single woman.

At the weekend I had a number of in depth conversations with OS friends that were personal, affectionate, interesting etc.

I am also quite a natural flirt. If I see someone I like I tend to look, then look away and I've been told this is done in quite an attractive way. Maybe, maybe not.

OK, think I've got it.

I am attracted, for sure. I wouldn't date anyone who wasn't attractive to me. Something I had to explain when my friends kept trying to fix me up with short men! I don't like short men...

But I would be so wary of someone who wasn't trying to develop the attraction through the right routes.. Conversation and companionship etc. We have discussed what we find attractive. He likes my use of colour in clothes and attention to detail with PA. He actually finds the non-sexual emphasis appealing too.

Apparently I am one of the few women he's met who takes this approach. And I am the only woman he's met online who is interested in getting to know him instead of trying to 'bully' him into instant sex. A very depressing state of affairs for the sisterhood, if true. Its one of the reasons he says he is sick of the Plenty of Fish website.

Maybe things are different in Britain, but I am having trouble understanding how someone in an exclusive relationship can be having in depth personal and affectionate conversations with OS people. I see the whole point of exclusivity as NOT engaging in such behavior. If it were me, and I saw my "exclusive" dating partner do this with other men, I'd dump her faster than she could say "boo".

AGG

Yes you did appear to have a leaning towards that approach in your previous posts and you seemed to think I was in a serious relationship. That just simply isn't the case.

I've only known artistman a few weeks, keep in mind. He is cool with a very low-key getting to know each other period for now. He also knows I will resume the 30 dates absolutely whenever I feel like it, no hard feelings. That was his idea in fact. He also knows there is general competition for him to pit himself against.

It would be quite simply crazy at this stage in the game for OS friends to be banned. Completely crazy.

I have also encouraged him to view me as an option amongst other competitiors, rather than a done deal. If he finds a woman's friendship more satisfying than dating me at this early stage, I would just view that as a sign. And vice versa.

He wasn't even uncomfortable with the dating other people option; he offered for us to be friends if I wanted to do that. It's simply that I want to spend some time focusing on learning more about him. I have no idea where it will go and my options remain open at this point.

I am being very O&H about that.

I wasn't suggesting banning OS friends. I was just pondering how you can be in an exclusive relationship and still be flirting with others. Seems like it's a way of saying "we're exclusive, but only until/unless something better comes along".

AGG

X 2

It seems odd to me that you are exclusive but you will flirt with other men or have ENs met by others...just not date them. I don't get that. That's not how many people would view exclusivity. Seems like a contradiction.

Precisely.

But no matter, I think I am done with this thread. I realise I am inviting these sorts of personal 'Would dump her' comments, and I just dont want to do that any more.

But she is not in a committed relationship. She is just dating this guy. While she is dating - even though "exclusive" - she should still be looking at other potential candidates. Her only agreement is that she won't DATE other people for a while. She is doing that.

No, I get the part that she is not committed. So maybe it's a terminology issue - the word "exclusive" means "no others" to me. Including flirting. To me, when I am dating, I am evaluating my dating partner - and if I see them flirting with others, especially if supposedly "exclusive" with me, then that would tell me a lot about her. As I said, I would walk away from that, and have numerous times, as indie points out. Never regretted those decisions .

AGG

Fair enough. I view this as an open competition. MrExclusive is still in competition with others, even though she has agreed to not date others. This is a test of his suitability, and the competition is still open. I am sure she doesn't flirt in front of him, she is too well mannered to do that, but she is still seeking potential candidates.

Yeah, I understand.

AGG

Yeah, well I think you can tell whether your date is actually flirting with other guys/girls, or just politely ending the conversation in a dating environment.

Of course that comes into play in this also..

But open and honest conversation can straighten all that out.."Are you interested in him/her? I mean at least when you are here with me you could send back the drinks and refuse the attention don't you think?" If not yeah I would say goodbye fast too..

But in a bar where the dating might be taking place, there are a lot of incapacitated people making moves in all directions, and you must discern whether your date is showing you the right attention and respect, and then make the call on the play..

Maybe you went on the wrong day to the wrong place and he/she is not smart enough to figure out what to do, or you brought them totally out of their element.

Yeah AGG I see where you might want to say "Goodbye" to some people in some situations, and how steep the competition might be also. Please remember how guys think, and how they act, and what is important to most dating women.

Maybe read some of the relationship sites on the net? Lol, no, I wont do that to ya..

Oh, I read more than my share of relationship sites over the past 10 years, thanks.

AGG

A lightbulb just went off and I can see what AGG means. He is thinking she is flirting IN FRONT OF MRExclusive. And in that case, I would dump my date because I consider that so disrespectful to me. However, I think we can safely assume that indiegirl does not do that in his presence.

indiegirl, come back!!! Don't leave mad..

AGG, aren't you married now?

I hope not. I wanted to come in and commend you for bringing this issue to the board and discussing it as openly and for as long as you have. In the end, you are divorced and you can date whomever you want however you want. You don't need our permission for anything. There isn't a WRONG answer here....just perhaps smarter more cautious choices and CHOOSING to post and get input from others was one of those very smart choices that you made.

My own take is that the 30 date thing is just a suggestion/recommendation. It's not a hard and fast rule nor is it a "narrow path" to relationship success like many of the other MB concepts. Personally, I like the rule/suggestion because it, perhaps, allows a divorcee just starting out in the dating pool to relax about those first few dates AND keep those dates, perhaps, somewhat at arms length and in perspective. This buys the divorcee time to make a few mistakes...date some dogs without too much enmeshment...and get distance from the pain of divorce such that they avoid the "rescuers" as I like to call them who seemingly come out of the woodwork to help save the emotional new divorcees. Finally...it keeps the divorcee from over investing in a new relationship and getting hurt again [ask yourself this...artist guy has several long term relationships but never gets married...is he perhaps pursuing a recent divorcee with vigor because he knows she's not anxious to run down the aisle anytime soon...hate to see you two years into this relationship and realize he's just not into marriage, despite what he says, and you might have missed your actual Mr. Right by committing to quickly to being exclusive with this guy]

I think it's particularly wise for someone like you, Indie, who didn't date much prior to your first marriage. I think it was wise to undertake it as a goal and wise to share your thoughts as you could see your feelings for this gentleman start to interfere with your stated intentions. PEA's are tough to combat.

Unfortunately, the subject always seems to stir things up a bit. Anyone around that divorced and remarried quickly get their feelings hurt and think we are either talking about them, criticizing them, that Dr. Harley is just too traditional and/or that you should follow your heart (as they presumably did with success or not). Then the hardliners get upset, as they should, because someone is promoting their plan (divorce and quick remarriage is OK or works for them over a more logical cautious plan) on someone else's thread (IMO...if they want to debate the suggestion they should do so on their own thread). Then, as is often the case, the original poster starts getting harassed because their feelings are telling them to agree with and take comfort from the persons that say it's OK and all they really did was start having legitimate strong feelings for someone they were legitimately dating and asking MB for input before they let those feelings override logic. In the end...they feel punished for discussing the topic and their feelings tell them to never discuss it here again.

If you leave and stop talking about it...the only one hurt will be you. So please....keep bringing this issue back up whenever you need support and just deal with or ignore anyone that talks at you instead of to you. Then again...sometimes the posts that bother you the most are the ones you most need to hear. Just read with logic and don't let your feelings deter you. IMO, the forum/board...in general...have only your best interests at heart.

Godspeed,


Mr. Wondering

p.s. - consider this...my parents have been married over 50 years. My mother had to cancel a date with another gentlemen the night after my dad proposed to her and she accepted. Dating is brutal. It's rife with rejection, hurt feelings and arbitrary rules. IMO, "exclusivity" is fake marriage and for the most part, unnecessary until engaged.