I saw this posted on a different thread, and I just finished listening to these radio shows. I need to practice these techniques.

"It is nobody's fault that I lose my temper" is what I need to repeat to myself.

Lovebusters and Fall in Love, Stay in Love showed up in the mail yesterday. I have not had a chance to look at them yet.

So a quick update. We have been getting along somewhat, but seemingly everything I do is wrong. I have been keeping my responses and anger in check, and I have been apologizing and not trying to defend my behavior.

For the past week she seems to have cut back on helping with household chores. Over the weekend she kept asking me to "do this" or "get that", which I did without complaint. I have been also taking care of cleaning up, cooking, and getting the kids ready. But once again, the she points out the one thing I forgot, or did wrong everytime.

Yesterday I brought home flowers as an early V-day present. We cuddled on the couch most of the night, and later I tried for some SF. I was told no, and she got angry with me, told me that all of our problems come from SF, that I have done everything wrong the past few days, I don't deserve it, and that I am cut-off for a while. She also said she has no interest in that right now.

Thankfully I didn't react poorly, and I just accepted it. I think she is still toggling between withdrawl and confict, and right now its conflict. I know she has no interest because she is not in love with me now due to my behaviors, but it stinks either way.

So my question to some of the veterans out there is how do you keep providing your spouse's ENs and keep the lovebusters down when you are not having your needs met? What do you say in your head to keep from reveting back to the person that got you in this mess in the first place?

95, what outside support are you getting to keep this situation from boiling over again?

I do not have any outside support. Financially I cannot swing the MB counseling.

I have been putting all of my focus into eliminating my bad habits that I know exist.

Yes it does stink.

What do you tell yourself?
You said it yourself, she�s not in love with you. So you're courting her. You are trying to woo her. This is more difficult than courting because you are trying to win her back being in the LoveBank red. It�s going to take a lot of effort on your part to get the job done.

Drop, do you love her? Do you want to remain married to this woman and have a fruitful, romantic marriage? If the answer is yes then that is all you need to hear to maintain your determination.

Now while you remain resolute in fixing what�s broken you are going to need to learn more than just eliminating your LBs. You are going to have to learn the proper way to be radically honest with her and you need to help her eliminate her LBs against you. The timing of when you do those things are best left to the experts but I would certainly be wary immediately that you do not become a doormat. That you learn how to maturely speak up for yourself without committing lovebank withdrawals.

Start with being honest when she files a complaint. Don�t just stifle yourself. Apologize for what she complains about and ask for her assistance on getting it right the next time. But remember if she starts to blast you with AOs, or DJs or what have you � that�s the time you need to step up and be the catalyst for proper change.
�I am trying really hard to change. I want to win back your love. I can�t do it alone. I need your help. I would love it if you could talk to me in calm matter-of-fact tone when I do something wrong. I would love it if I could do things as you would like them done. I just need your help getting there.�

If she blasts you with AOs and/or DJs and/or abuse learn to say �Ouch. I am going to excuse myself until a later time when we can discuss this without the insults/anger/abuse�. And then leave the room.

Thanks for the great advice as always MrA!

Being a doormat is not a problem for me, its taking that second to pause and form a proper response to her complaints. I am about halfway through Lovebusters, and I have seen several techniques that I will use in these situations. Most of it is simply how I word my response, coupled with my tone and body language.

Her LBs for me are AOs and DJs. They show up when I do something wrong. However, I have noticed that this fizzles quickly when I do not feed the fire. I think a lot of her reaction is from when I fight her back.

I do want this to work out, and I do love her more than anything. I just need to retrain myself.

Sounds good Drop. Use those techniques to establish new habits.

Never, never fight back with her. Always remain calm, seek to understand her perspective, restate back what you heard and if you need to correct a behavior state how you intend to do it. And don't hesitate to thank her for her honesty. If she sees your reaction is going to be one that ISN'T one of defense or anger hopefully she'll learn she can get her point across or get what she needs without the use of AOs or DJs. If not the day will come where you're going to have to ask for those to stop.

If you do lose it and recognize it in the moment then STOP. Stop, apologize, inform her you don�t want to react that way and immediately revert back to remaining calm, seek to understand, etc or at a minimum ask if you can excuse yourself until you can continue in a calm, respectful, pleasant manner.

You keep this up and there'll come a day where she'll look to understand your persective ... as a loving couple and team should.

As if on queue today's broadcast was about this very topic of fighting.

This couple has some serious issues that stem from her H's use of porn yet the solution to their M isn't first and foremost to get him to stop the porn ... it's to stop the fighting.

He goes on to talk about negotiating when you're emotional. Should be worth a listen Drop.

We had a situation on Saturday at the store. We went to look at mattresses and take the kids out for indoor mini golf. Everything was good all day, but as soon as we got to the store my son started to throw a fit, and we couldn't find the mattresses, and she started getting mad at me for not paying attention. This is a big one for us, where we go to a store and she doesn't say anything to me, but gets mad for me not doing what she wanted. PORH lacking.

Anyway, I asked her why she was upset, and she went on a tirade about how I didn't pay attention, didn't ask for help, let the kd cry, didn't make a decision...I just calmly apologized, and let her know that I will pay attention, and I prefer not to make decisions in front of the salesperson, that I will talk to her once they leave next time. Surprisingly, she got over it pretty quick, and we had a good evening! Guess I should keep this up.

There ya go. Isn't it funny how something as simple as staying calm makes a huge difference? Good job changing the status quo.

It has been a while since I have posted. Our marriage has been a roller-coaster without a whole lot of change. We move in cycles: We go a few weeks where everything is great, we are in love, we are both happy, then we have a few weeks where she is either in conflict or withdrawal.

We are not officially following the MB program, since she has not agreed to trying it. When we are in our bad periods, she always resorts to saying she is leaving or divorcing me. If I ask to try MB, she says I had all my chances and she can't try anything else. When things are going well, I never think to ask. This is something I plan to work toward if I have another chance.

We get at least 15 hours of UA time in each week, unless we are fighting. We are very much best-friends, and can spend hours in conversation. We do not get to spend much time outside of the house with UA because of a lack of babysitters, but we very much enjoy sitting outside alone, laying in bed talking, or sitting on the couch.

My WxW is still a source of contention for us. Last year we were faced with the possibility of losing most of the custody of my DD9 due to the fact that I moved an hour away. My wife told me that she can't handle the constant threat of losing DD9, so we decided to move back to our hometown, about 2 miles from WxW. This has contributed positively to our marriage, as my wife would spend up to 4 hours a day driving DD9 to school and activities. Also, she has been able to cultivate more relationships with other moms and friends of ours since we are not in the middle of nowhere. We have joined the rec center, which has childcare, so she has been able to do more exercising, which makes her feel good.

So what is the problem? I continue to LB. DJs too. I am generally not conscious of it, and I ignore her polite warnings until she explodes in an AO, causing me to get defensive and blame her with my own AO. How do I keep doing this??? How do I stop???

Anybody out there that had problems with LBs, DJs, and AOs and overcame them?

Have you listened to the clips in this?
Anger Management 101

This needs to change. It is crucial that you take your wife outside the house on a date in order to fall in love and stay in love.

You stop by making a decision to stop.
Welcome her complaints when she says you are disrespectful. Tell her "Thank you for letting me know." DON'T IGNORE HER. If you don't understand how you were disrespectful, post here and we will help you figure it out. Let her know this is something you want to change, and to please tell you everytime you do it.

Read this article to learn how to eliminate AOs: How to Negotiate when You are an Emotional Person

Her AO doesn't justify your AO. YOU control your reaction. If you cannot control yourself, you need to seek help in the form of anger management.

Have you read Lovebusters?
Do you listen to the radio show?

I have read Lovebusters, Fall in Love, Stay in Love, and His Needs Her Needs. I have not listened to the show for a long time.

We do get out of the house on our own, but not as often as we should. It is something we need to improve, and may be more possible with our new living situation

As far as reacting to criticism, I know my behavior is not justified. I tend to defend myself, to "straighten her out" so to speak. I have had anger issues in the past that she has pointed out as an issue, and have improved a lot in this area. I still need some work here though.

She tends to criticize in the form of DJs a lot too, and this never sets well with me.

I would like to get her on-board with this program in the hopes that we can both change critical behaviors that negatively affect the marriage.

An example of our latest fight:

Went on a weekend trip up-north. First night we did a cheap hotel stop in a small town so we were closer to our day 2 destination. Night 2 & 3 were planned at a large waterpark/hotel.

As we get out of the van the first night to go to the hotel room, she asks me to help my DS3 with his backpack. I walk around to let him out of the van and he is independent, so his backpack is on his back, spiderman in his arms, ready to go. He walks all the way to the room, but trips once on the stairs when he drops spiderman, so she tells me that "I told you to help him with his bag, you never listen to anything I say." I tell her that I heard her, but my son had it covered, so I let him be. She continues to argue with me back and forth.

I realize I should have just helped, but most of the time he cries if I take his bag and HE wanted to carry it. I could have apologized for not listening, but I wasn't really sorry. I could apologize that I didn't listen, and told her why, but she has told me she does not like apologies with an excuse attached.

Does she make you angry?

You don't have to accede to every little request that she makes. If she asks you to do something, stop, THINK and THEN respond. You are not allowed to disrespect her. You are allowed to say "No". Saying "no" is not disrespectful.

For example, she asks you to help DS. You say "I would prefer not to take the backpack away from him right now because he tends to start crying." If she keeps it up and gets angry, you say, politely "I'm not prepared to do that. I will keep an eye on him."

Don't immediately say "Yes" or "Sure" unless you ARE sure that you are prepared to do what she is asking.

Not typically, but there are times when I feel like she is being disrespectful, or angry, or unwilling to discuss the issue where I get angry.