LOL on the marriage proposal prediction Jedi!

Very interesting!

Well, Indie, there you go. I do wonder, how that squares with the original theory.

I am also confused how the contrast effect applies to dating? I have never heard Dr Harley frame it in relation to dating. Dating, in my mind, is a competition much like candidates competing for a job. And sure, you are contrasting candidates, but this is SUPPOSED to be a competition.

I should definitely listen to this if I can find it. I may have missed it on 'today's' broadcast by now.

I have dated several people but those people are more historic than current. I remember their attributes and how they affected me pretty well though. I'm not sure how this fits into the theory though.

That was how I understood it too. That you purposefully create a contrast effect/competition.

Dr Harley specifically addressed contrast effect in dating yesterday.
He said the 30 dates is a general guideline. You can date 5 people and fun the right one. In indies case, he would approve of her dating exclusively at this time ( based on yesterday's statement)

That was my question...Brain can you post it for us...I missed it because I thought it was on Monday.

Yes I will as soon as they post it in the archives. They are a week behind.

I have it flagged and have been waiting for it.

The contrast effect is mentioned in the context of marriage, when a spouse is watching porn or having an affair. It is not applicable to this situation. This is a competition to find the best candidate. I guess in a weird way it could be considered a "contrast effect" but that is not how he uses that term.

I did hear him say that a person might meet their suitable mate in 5 dates, rather than 30 and that is just fine. What he meant was that it typically takes 30 dates to find the right person. But that might happen in 5 dates. I am going to send him this article and ask him to make it crystal clear because I certainly misunderstood it!

Choosing the Right One to Marry

No, he said someone wrote him about this and was baffled it was being used in that context. He didn't understand why it was being used that way.

Thanks for the clarification, Mel. I have been misusing the term as it is something Dr H speaks about as a negative effect, which it is in marriage.

It's just that I find it useful to compare the competitiveness of dating to the contrast effect of OS friendships on marriage.

It has negative slowing down of intimacy in marriage but in dating prevents a 'too close too soon' trap with an unproven candidate. A situation where contrast and a lack of intimacy is positive, not negative.

You are not seeking a contrast, though. You are seeking the person who does the best job of meeting your needs. Sure, you might compare one candidate to the next, but that still doesn't mean much if both or all of the candidates do a poor job of meeting your needs. You don't take the best out of the lot, in other words. You keep interviewing candidates until the right one is found.

Thanks for the info. Also to clarify...30 dates vs 30 people. Dr H says 30 people. 30 dates could be spread amongst 1-30 different people.

yep!

I agree. They should be slam dunking the needs meeting and the relationship should make logical not just emotional sense. You should also feel you meet their needs q effortlessly without having to be somebody you're not and force it.

Dr H has said that if you interview 30 candidates the odds are your in your favour that you will find such a candidate. Of course if you do not, you should keep going not just pick the best of a bad lot.

The only reason I have misused the term contrast effect in this context is because I have seen Dr H use the terms interchangeably when he is talking about marriage. He will describe the contrast effect of, for example an A, then he will say 'There should be no competition in marriage'

I do take your point though that contrast effect is a term that is supposed to describe a negative thing in marriage and not the positive competitiveness of dating.




Surely contrast helps there though? My friend's last boyfriend was very unaffectionate, though good looking and solvent. She would have told you then she didn't value affection much. Her new boyfriend is very affectionate in addition to her other needs and she is much happier.

I never thought RC was much of a need of mine but compared to Softlad, artistman has so much in common with me it is easy to think up things we want to do together. There literally isn't enough time to implement all the ideas we come up with.

I'm not sure I understand the phrasing there. Do you mean could or should? And does 1-30 mean it has to be 30, nothing less - or does that mean any number between 1 and 30 will do? Including just one?

Oh sure, there is comparison for sure. Just like candidates for a job. All the candidates are assessed and compared.

Could or should...I don't think it matters. I was trying to point out that you could have 30 dates with just two people. Dr H does not say go on 30 dates. He says date 30 people. If you go out on 30 dates with one person, you have no comparison at all. The larger the population of the dating pool = the better you can compare.

Well glad to hear you held off on the meet the parents bit and a little sorry to hear that your intended date (hope I didn't misunderstand) did not show up at the group event. The date with artist man sounds lovely, but makes me think you got all touchy feely. True? Be careful there. I am guessing there is a strong sexual attraction already.

None of the above. She was just saying that it was 30 people, not 30 DATES. Dr Harley said on the radio show that he didn't mean a person had to date 30 ppl. He meant that it can take going through 30 ppl to find the right one.