Why didn't you expose to your children? That is not Marriage Builders. And I'm sure it caused you a lot of stress while trying to recover. They are all adults and can be valuable support system for you and your husband.

As far as the work situation is concerned I recommend a nice back rub or home pedicure for him after he spills the beans. I agree that it is great that he is sharing with you and not somebody else and I understand how the situation could be deja vu.

When those thoughts come into your head, replace them with some good memories. Also up your UA time as suggested.

Good luck.

Dear Schtoop:
Thank you for your encouragement that's what I'm trying to do. It has been a learning curve, but after the weekend, I'm dooing my best to relax into it and not be affected by the past. Your right, he's here bringing it to me. I'm trying my best to be in the here and now and meet his needs.

Dear Melodyland:

It just seems to be the last trigger. We both have been working hard to reconnect, and I feel like we have. During the last four years, everytime a situation arose that challenged us with each other that mimiked a time during the EA it was challenging. During conversation and couselling, the stressful time at work and his needing affirmation from me seems to have been a catalyst. i didn't meet his emotional need at home so he was open and vulnerable at work. yes, it was his choice he didn't want that from me. But, he wants it now from me and yes i am giving it. it just of course triggered me....

Dear Melodylane:

We are doing our best with the UA time, he is working many hours and by the time he gets home he is tired. We eat dinner alone every night and talk about our day. We retir to the family room and while the tv is on play with our puppy and talk about the day or what we need to do during the week and make plans for the weekend. We go to bed every night together and hold each other and fall asleep that way. We have a very fulfilling love life physically. We both are trying really hard to stay connected.

Dear Betrayed:
It was my decision not to expose. My daughter was engaged and getting married in 7 months. My middle child was away at school and my youngest a Senior. I realize it was not MB protocol....but that was the decision I made.

I do and am doing everything I can for him physically and emotionally and mentally. Providing a quiet home with dinner ready and loving him as much as he will let me physically when he gets home. You are right, I am trying to change my response to him and not remember the past. He is a different man than 4 years ago. It has been rough, but this weekend we verbally communicated better about it. That is my number one emotional need and not his at all. If he never talked about this he would be fine but he was willing to discuss the trigger and discuss what could be done about it. I did most of the talking but he listened. I am hoping this was the last big trigger. I feel if we can get through this we might have just made it through.

I do feel though like i expressed to him, he still has no idea how hard and exhausting it is for me to change my responses to him and our situation. I did say to him that change is hard and takes alot of conscious thought. He just wants it to happen. But when we try to change ourselve at the very core, its hard and it hurts and it takes work. I just needed him to appreciate that I was a different person responding to his needs. I do wonder that if he doesn't feel this way....is he changing too? Is it as hard for him...is he putting in the time or just following my lead.....and does it matter?

I am so sorry to hear that. I know what happens when my husband and I neglect our marriage and fall below the 15 hours; we can tell a difference pretty quickly. Whenever anything comes before the marriage, the marriage always suffers. This is why Harley is adamant that the marriage comes FIRST, not the job.

You mentioned that your husband got his needs met outside of marriage, but that is not the reason for his affair. The reason he had the affair is because he has[d] poor boundaries around women. Has that changed? Because you could meet his needs perfectly but if he had poor boundaries around women, he would have another affair. You do realize this, right?

What does he do for you? Has he provided just compensation for his affair?

Here is an observation from a stranger who does not know you ...... (hence, I could be 100% incorrect)

You tend to be vague and imprecise. I was wondering if you are this way when you communicate with your husband? He may seem uncooperative to you because he is completely lost when it comes to what you are asking him to do. Many males are action-verb orientated. If you say "I want you to appreciate my efforts." He may have no clue what action to take. Be clear. Be precise. Be direct. Do not be ambivalent.

Men are not women. It is not uncommon for men to avoid conversations about their feelings.

What is your goal? What do you want him to do?

I have a pretty strong hunch that what you really desire is for your man to love you deeply. Am I close?

Hi Melodylane:
I don't feel we are neglecting our marriage, as I said this is not normal for him to be working so many hours. We are doing our best to make time for each other every evening. Yes, I do realize it was his bounderies with women and so does he. He has made changes on how he responds to women. The ones I required and some he did on his own. I do tell him what my needs are, I don't wait for him to figure it out, especially when we hit a trigger. I am hoping this is our last big one. I feel it was only natural for me to get unsettled and a little scared when this particular instance seems to have been the catalyst for the inappropriate friendship that led to the EA. I do realize it was a choice he made and so does he. After talking this weekend, it seems we both had problems communicating the realization that we both realized he found himself in the same situation. The difference is, however bumbled it was, we tried to reach out and communicate. Albiet we didnt do a great job but it was an effort and as the weekend progressed we did a better job of understanding each other and telling what ist was we needed from each other

Hi Melodylane:

Yes he has provided just compensation. We went through those steps over 2 years ago and I keep an open dialoge on bounderies and needs, both his and mine. Some never change, some change with circumstances.

He talks about his day, I know every womans name and work number that he has to deal with on a day to day basis. I know both his bosses and have met them. He has open work e-mail, phone and I have all passwords. No breaks, lunches, dinners anything with another female. If ever there has to be I will be invited or he will decline, no options there. he is earning my trust. he takes responsibility for his choices with no excuses. He tries to and usually does meet my needs emtionally and physically. If I need to talk about something dealing with the affair he tries to remain open, that hasnt happened in a long while I dont and we dont discuss it as a rule.We never talk about her.

Yes Pepperband I do want him to love me deeply and completly...dont we all? i wasnt aware i was being vague or imprecise..never been accused of that one. But maybe I myself am confused about what I need during this latest and hopefully last trigger. I will try to be more direct. I usually have no problem with that. I do realize my husband and I not only verbally communicate differently, we hear differently. So, yes, maybe I need to listen to me and figure out what is it I want and need from him now, today. He came home so tired and defeated last night, it broke my heart. It's hard to require anything when I see him that way. He feels like he's in a war at work...I want him to feel peace at home. I think he does. He tells me he needs to feel something real at home, and I am his real. That made me feel wonderful, and I told him so..Maybe that's the feeling I am looking for

Do you think he is in love with you, fatuggybaby?

Hi melodylane: Yes I know that he is. It took three years for him to find those romantic in love feelings for me, but yes, last feb. he said one night sitting downstairs "do you love me" and of course I said "yes, very much" and he said, " I love you too" I looked up and he had tears in his eyes and I asked him if he was ok, and he looked at me and said," I realized that I love you, I really love you. Suffice it to say, a good night. He always remained addament that he "loved" me he just wasn't "in love with me" of course a load of crap, I knew he meant "romantic" love..so that's what we worked on for the last three years as the program states, and I know it kind of crept up on him, I think he was actually shocked at his feelings. Since then he doesnt miss an opportunity to tell me how he feels, and he does show me everyday. We work hard on that, both of us.