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My husband and I have been married for 9 years and we haven't been in a good place for a long time. 2 weeks ago I discovered he was having an EA. He swore that it was done and they weren't communicating. As most here probably know, he was lying and I found evidence that they're still communicating inappropriately. I'm going to expose today but I have to wonder what the point is. He's obviously in love with this woman, the only reason he's staying with me is because she won't leave her husband. I think it's a very strong possibility that, if her husband leaves her, mine will leave me for her. I have never felt so shattered or hopeless in my life.
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Joined: Mar 2010
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Okay, take a deep breath. Take another.
Look, the people involved in affairs are not in love with real humans. They are infatuated with the "always perfect", "always pleasant" fantasy creatures that they themselves are portraying to their APs.
POSOW has never seen WH sweaty, and burping, after mowing the lawn and then having a sardine sandwich. He's never seen her clipping her toenails and not finding and removing all the shards. Neither of them have had to - together - make a budget work, with too many demands on too little resources.
Perform your FULL, NUCLEAR exposure. Burst their little fantasy snow-globe. That is your best tactic right now, followed, after his angry response, by repeating over and over, "I did what I had to do to try to save our marriage!"
Keep us advised. We can help you through this.
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Joined: Nov 2011
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Take baby steps.
First step is exposure.
Expos� to your married friends, family and church.
Expos� to the other woman's husband, married friends, family and church.
Get it done in one day TODAY
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Joined: Feb 2013
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Thanks, I feel like I have no strength. I have everything set I'm just not sure how to contact OWH without her intercepting.
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Thanks, I feel like I have no strength. I have everything set I'm just not sure how to contact OWH without her intercepting. Do you have a phone number for him? Or a work phone number? He could be your biggest ally in killing the affair. He needs to be #1 person on your exposure list.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Feb 2013
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I have his personal phone number and email address. I know he is the most important contact so I'm doing nothing else until I can contact him. I don't know where he works, I don't have his work number and I don't know his work hours. I don't know what to do if I call and she answers.
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Joined: Nov 2010
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I have his personal phone number and email address. I know he is the most important contact so I'm doing nothing else until I can contact him. I don't know where he works, I don't have his work number and I don't know his work hours. I don't know what to do if I call and she answers. Can you call *67? Good job on exposing. Have you read the Exposure 101 thread? Who is on your exposure list?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Feb 2013
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What does *67 do? We don't have many friends. We don't go to church. After exposing to OWH, I was planning to FB message WH's family and my mom (only family member I have).
I don't know anything about OW to know who her close married friends (even close friends for that matter) are, or family, or anything.
ETA - I looked at her facebook page but most is hidden from me. I can see her friends list but there are so many people and I have no clue who is important or not.
Last edited by ALonelyFool; 02/05/13 11:45 AM.
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ALF, copy and paste her friends into a word doc. Look at them and see if you can ID family members and married people. It now costs $1 to expose to ppl out of your circle so try and ID 40-50 who seem important.
Do they work together? If so, I would plan on doing a workplace exposure. If you have children they should know too.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Does the OW live close to you? If so, you could drive there and see if you can ID her husbands car and knock on the door. Do you have evidence of the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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*67 disguises your # on her caller ID.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I've looked over her friends' list and just can't figure it out. I don't know her maiden name so can't figure out who is family. They're about 20 miles away. I do have evidence. I've uploaded it to a site where I can send out direct links.
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Also, they don't know that I know they are communicating again. I have to do this today, as I feel there's no way I'll be able to be around him and not let on.
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I've looked over her friends' list and just can't figure it out. I don't know her maiden name so can't figure out who is family. They're about 20 miles away. I do have evidence. I've uploaded it to a site where I can send out direct links. That's fine. Just use your best judgement and target 40-50 of her contacts.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Good job uploading the evidence!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ad target anyone with her MARRIED name, because you know they are her husbands relative.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well I did it. Finally got in contact with owh. He was in agreement that this is a problem so we're on the same page. WH wasn't really mad but is still in lala land thinking what they were doing wasn't a problem. Not sure where to go from here. Feel like I should see a lawyer just to see what my options are and then get in counseling. I have anger issues and its really hard to control right now. Thanks for all the help.
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Does your husband work with this woman?
What are your next steps to ensure the affair is truly over?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Not sure where to go from here. Your next steps are to kill this affair dead and make sure that all contact is ended for good. I would also call your close family members and friends tonight and expose the affair to them all. Ask for their support in your marriage. If you have children over age 5 I would tell them about the affair too. The next thing that should happen is your husband sends the OW a no contact letter. I will post it below. He should exchange phones with you and give you access to all his email accounts so his life is completely transparent.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent. [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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