To me that seems to be quite a big reaction to leaving a single light on. I wonder, why does she feel so strong about that? Is it a money issue? What�s the story behind this?

First off � To your response to what she sees as an LB. I know you're trying but there is a no tolerance policy when it comes to LBs. If she feels strongly about something getting it 3/4ths right means you only love and care about her part of the time. She requires more of you than a fraction. Anything less will feel hurtful to her.

Next � An apology requires not only the part where you say you�re sorry but also the explanation of an action plan so she knows you�re serious about changing the behavior. Offering excuses like shiny objects only shows her shiny objects are on your mind more than her feelings.

So you have a part in this but I will certainly agree it is imperative couples be on the same page and thus MB is way more successful if both are on board. Why don�t you sign yourself up and get some help from the pros on how to get your W on board?

It arises from a few issues. First, we over spent the past few years, ended up with some significant debt, and we are trying to dig out. She handles the bills, and does a great job, but takes it a little too far sometimes. The other issue is that she thinks I only think about myself. If she asks me to turn off lights, I should do it because she asked, and there is no good reason not to. And I agree, and I need to get better with it.



Financially we cannot swing this right now. It would be nice if we could, but we can barely afford our bills. I know there is the argument on here that our marriage is worth saving and we can find the money somewhere, but right now we can't. Hopefully in the near future we can entertain this option after we take care of some bills.

I would like to present this to her in a way that makes it advantageous to her. I feel the questionaires can do that by allowing her the ability to tell me exacly how she feels.

Having an electical engineering degree, I had to figure the cost of my lights I left on. If I add up the garage and upstairs lights up for the 30 min they were on, I spent $0.014 in elecrticity. That's less than 2 cents. If they were on a full day it would still only be $0.70. So if I assume I leave lights on unnecessarily for 24 hours a month, then I cost the family less than a dollar.

I think if I showed this to my wife she would get mad and tell me I should do it because she wants me to. However it would put it in perspective. This is where I usually come off as insensetive and make her angry.

So your W needs to get on board with MB ... but you can't convince her to do it and you can't afford a professional to help with it.

I want you to answer this because your response isn't giving me a warm and fuzzy.

You said she needs to get on board with MB and then you went on to explain the facts about something she communicated as an LB that you failed in fulfilling. Did you draw that conclusion due to her reaction (angry outburst)?

She isn't romantically in love with you. Who owns that? I would say you do. And that while I agree your M would do wonders if she got on board until such time you are here, she is not. The best we can offer you is help in getting you to clean up your side of the street. Know what I mean?



If I remember correctly it wasn�t that she didn�t communicate how she felt but rather that you struggled changing your behavior � and as such she seems to be committing AOs in response to that fact.

I would say reading about PORH and POJA could prove more beneficial. Learn how to work through these types of issues so that you both learn how to communicate effectively. There are enemies of conversation and there are friends of conversation. That may help the two of you establish behaviors that allows her to communicate with you without you feeling attacked.

But again, you can eliminate her desire to LB by eliminating 100% of your LBs that have been communicated to you. It�s a tall task but if you�re devoted, seriously motivated, it�s do-able. Establishing a good behavior using PORH and POJA will help you two identify other areas that are destroying the love you have for each other.

As far as the questionnaires, if you don�t know what her needs are and what your LBs are then they will prove helpful too. It�s all part of the package.

I think that is a horrible idea. Instead of correcting her maybe you could offer other ideas that would prove helpful as well. Like I will start to carpool or eliminate some other expense. You see why she reacts this way ... don't educate her on where you believe she's wrong.

PORH is not an issue, since we are very honest with each other, sometimes brutally honest. I have been adapting my behaviors to the POJA principles, and I think this has been working well. It could work better if she did it as well, but this isn't a huge deal for us.

Our biggest issues I see are LBs and ENs from both sides. I know I need to stop the LBs, and that is on me. And I do good for a while, then she will start doing her LBs, and I can only take it for so long before I argue with her about it, and we end up back at square one.

I think I am going to give her the questionares tonight and see what she says. I want to confirm what LBs I need to work on the most, and also show her what she can do that would help me eliminate them.

Remind me ... what books do you have again?

I dont have any of the books yet. I have read this website top to bottom several times.

Me too. And have hung out here for almost 10 years before purchasing them a few months ago. I'll spare you some headaches ... get the books.

Here is what we have in our home:

His Needs, Her Needs
LoveBuster
Fall in Love, Stay in Love

All of them very, very worthwhile.

They serve multiple purposes.
1). They are more detailed than this website.
2). They offer exercises you should do at the end of each section.
3). They are visual indicators when she sees you with them. It will show your W the effort you are putting into the M.
4). Leave them laying about gives her the opportunity to grab one and read as well. Hopefully her curiosity gets the best of her.

3 and 4 are said assuming she isn't interested in doing what the good Dr suggests.

My well-intentioned plan last week to give her a copy of the questionnaire fell through because we ended up going to dinner and seeing my parents. We were getting along very well, and had a great weekend together.

Yesterday we had a decent argument, crap.

Today she came home from school and I interpreted a comment she made wrong, and we got into another argument.

She came back with her typical "I'm done, we need to separate, we are over." She wouldn't talk to me.

Finally she came out and started talking about how she isn't doing anything with me anymore. I pulled out the questionnaires (LBs and ENs) and she said she wont do them. She tried enough and I don't get another chance. I tried to sell her that she doenst need to do anything but spend a few minutes writing out what I do wrong. Still no. She is done trying, she tried everything. We havent tried this. I mentioned the coaching, she said she gave me an opportunity to find a counselor last year, and that offer expired.

Crap.

We have been at this point about 100 times it seems, and each time it seems to take longer to talk her off the ledge. I ask her how she can go from being so loving all weekend to wanting to walk out in a matter of 2 days. She says its all fake, she has been miserable for 2 years.

Crap.

So I know I need to eliminate LBs and meet her ENs.

I am working on being a more active listener, but not good enough.

I can keep the DJs down along with the AOs (mild, but still an AO) for a week or 2, but what advice is there for battling these amid AOs and DJs from DW? This is what gets me in the most trouble.

I have been really trying at meeting her DS need. I will do things she normally does to show her that I don't want or expect a maid, but somehow I end up getting lectured about doing it wrong or I was supposed to do something instead. A definite demotivator.

I really don't know what else to try, other than do those things better, while ignoring her LBs. And I am ok with this, but I need to find a way to brush off what she says while listening to the message she is trying to get through to me.

I am happy with how much I have been able to control my anger. I still have a tendency to react poorly, but I stop before I escalate it.

I just ordered His needs her needs, fall in love stay in love, and love busters...hope it isnt too late...

Happy birthday to me...

Its only $45 to sign up for a subscription to the MB radio archives. And you can email or call into the show and Dr Harley will answer your question on air and this is free! And they will send you an appropriate free copy of a book for sending in a question/calling in. With a limited budget--- you can have access to this top resource.

Happy Bday!

Drop, it ain�t over until it�s over � and even if it�s over there�s still a chance. Don�t lose hope or determination. This is going to take time � afterall it took how long to get where you�re at � it�ll take some time to reverse that.

You�re wife is in the withdrawal stage. She�s still on the fence as it�s apparent she�s willing to enter into conflict with you. It�s a good sign that she wants to squawk, argue and complain. If she were too deep she�d probably not say a word.

Some highlights from your comments I just quoted:

You are going to have to do far better at eliminating LoveBusters if you have ANY chance of saving this marriage. This is all on your shoulders. You can do it. Just keep putting forth the effort. Find tactics that are going to help you play over and over in your head the correct, positive reaction to your interactions. That�ll keep those bad habits away.

As far as demotivators � try not to look at it that way. When she complains about what you do � don�t take it as an insult. A complaint is a way for a spouse to communicate what they�d like done differently. This is all good feedback for you. Thank her for her honesty. Seriously!!!! When she tells you how you did something wrong be sure to repeat back what you heard from her regarding the right way. That�ll let her know she was heard and that next time you�re going to try to do it as she�d like. It shows that you�re putting her thoughts and feelings first. If she hasn�t told you the right way politely ask for her help. When she shows you how thank her with genuine sincerity.

If there�s one thing I�ve learned that�s helped me in my marriage it�s this:
Be damned the foolish pride. It�ll be the death of your M.

Take this advice as a birthday gift. You�re welcome.

Thanks for the advice as always!

I know it isnt over until its over, but every time she gets this way I feel like this is the time where she is going to follow through. I think its just her defense mechanism to run away, but it hurts every time it happens.

Back at square one...

I can only imagine as my W isn't built that way. There will come a time when you're in a position to discuss and negotiate with her. You just aren�t there yet. Plan A gets you there. But you got to do a really good Plan A. You�ve got a hole you need to dig yourself out of.

Is there anything you did that you could/should apologize for?

Over the past 2 days I have made a few disrespectful judgements toward her. She hit a nerve with me when she got home from school the last 2 nights. Both nights she left in a good mood and then came home like she was upset with me. I obviously handled it wrong. I immediately attacked what I thought she was implying, even though I was wrong. Both times she got angry and told me what she meant. I immediately apoolgized in both instances, but to no avail.

Maybe she was stepping out of withdrawl and into conflict, and thats why she has been critical...I dont know.

It just feels like the tables have turned. Everything she faulted me for in the past couple years she is now doing to me, or at least thats how it feels. Nothing seems to be good enough for her anymore, even if I do what I think is a thoughtful act. This is why I wanted her to fill out the questionnaires...

You need a mantra that you communicate to her when the opportunities arise. I�m trying to think of the best choice of words for you � but don�t have anything perfect for you at the moment. It should be something that you can say on a repetitive basis that sends a clear, encouraging, positive message.

She's not ready to give you a list ... probably a bit fed up (especially when she's in full anger mode). Timing could be of the essence for you. Try to work these requests into your conversations when things are going well not when they�re going bad and she�s in a foul mood. If you have a good momentum going asking for more areas to improve upon. That should only help build upon that momentum. If you can�t get a list if you listen to her complaints � you�ll probably get a pretty good idea of everything she�ll put on the list. This would includes her ENs and your LBs. Make your own list. Study it daily (that�s what I�m tasked with doing).

These new behaviors have to appear like drastic changes to her. You have to make some big changes and be consistent if she�s ever to see that light at the end of the tunnel.

Here is an LB for you � DJ !!!!

You didn�t like her attitude and had all kinds of disrespectful thoughts mulling around in your noodle. Tell yourself this � YOU ARE TOTALLY CLUELESS to what she�s thinking and the only way you�ll ever know the truth is if you�re able to extract it from her. Find a way to ask her without ticking her off. Show empathy for her struggles and let her know you�re there should she ever want or need to discuss it.

While she�s in a mood DON�T LET HER MOOD change yours. Plan A. A great partner wouldn�t let someone�s foul mood create one within themselves. Be the light. If she�s in a foul mood try to lighten the mood. What are some things you can do to help her feel that being with you when she�s in a bad mood is a good thing? How can you be the catalyst to her way out of that mood?

Thanks again MrAlias! All of my books shipped, so hopefully they arrive soon. I will begin to formulate a detailed plan as to how I intend to overcome my LBs and meet ENs. I think I need this to hold myself accountable.