Blind trust is bad (as people around here will tell you) anyway. We subscribe to "trust, but verify".

These trips away are a huge opportunity for temptation to be indulged in, which is why it has to be removed.

Melodylane, I was looking for another link, thread jacking in a way.


Melodylane Jr, that was the link about getting rid of triggers. Thank you.

I spent a third of the year on the road.
And my wife had an affair and I am
Now divorced.

Travel jobs aren't for married couples.

We do still have a lot of work to do. We'll both be happy when travel isn't part of his job, but as an international sales manager, it is. The thing is, I have absolute (though not blind) trust in him. He is a very unique man who had plenty of opportunity in a previous position where he traveled nearly 2 weeks of every month (in Asia with a bunch of guys who did cheat on their spouses casually). He switched jobs and stopped traveling once we had children because FC definitely tops his ENs.

Unwritten, I see what you mean about the holes in the armor and ML identifying them. I appreciate that. I do not claim that we are fully recovered; I know that we're not. Our recovery is certainly still in progress and we will continue to do the work. I came here to find out what our holes were, I suppose, and how I could continue to improve. This (thread) has been very helpful for me. He doesn't want to dig back into the MB material. It is a trigger for him.

You know how if you listen to Mozart when you're studying for a test, if you listen to Mozart when you take the test, you'll do better than if you take it without hearing that music because the two things are now associated?

HNHN and LoveBusters is now completely associated to my affair for my husband, so he doesn't want any more reminders than he already has. He called the EN questionnaire "scary" because it puts him right back there. Any suggestions how I can encourage utilizing the material without triggering him?

This tells me you don't understand the risk AT ALL. You are essentially saying that you "trust" him to go drunk driving. First off, you have the emotional detachment that comes from traveling. I know that is already happening so don't even bother trying to tell me otherwise.

And secondly, the people who have affairs are usually the ones who say they would never do it. BECAUSE they don't practice good boundaries. Most betrayed spouses over on SAA would SWEAR that their spouse would never have an affair....until they had an affair. It is not a lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries. A traveling job is one of the WORST practices in marriage because it ruins marriages.

And lastly, you are at home alone without him and have great opportunities to have an affair. You have already had one and can easily have one again. The opportunity is right there.

Your marriage is not recovered, MrsV. And marriages that don't recover usually have repeat affairs. The reason your husband is "triggered" by Marriage Builders, rather than by risky marital behavior, is because your marriage never recovered. He associates it with your affair and NOT recovery. if you recovered, he would associate it with recovery.

Hope is not a plan. Having no plan is a plan to FAIL. A marriage does not recover by sweeping the problem under the rug. That is all you have done here. There is no progress and there is no work.

Until you get serious, you are wasting valuable time that could be devoted to others who are serious about recovering their marriages. You have been given all the tools, it is up to you to use them.

I have heard you speak of trusting him and trusting yourself a couple of times here MrsV. Do you know what Dr Harley says about trust?

Hopefully someone else will beat me to the punch and link it, otherwise I will spend half the day trying to do so.

For the year after DDay for me, my H would also say "I would NEVER have another A, because I have seen the impact, learned about myself, blah blah blah and now I TRUST myself to make the right choice." This was the single scariest thing to me as a BS. It told me that he had learned nothing yet, that he still thought he could control this with his own free will. That he could just, when surrounded by temptation, 'make the right choice' to not engage. It made me realize that he WOULD go to that bar and have that drink again (if not for EP's of course) because he thought that he would just chose to do it differently this time. The fact that he felt he could rely on his own decision making made me feel incredibly unsafe.

Very few people succeed on a diet when they are surrounded by foods they love that are not good for them. The key is to create an atmosphere that sets you up for success, not failure. It is no different in marriage. You do not play Russian Roulette by surrounding yourself with temptation and relying on your own free will to make the right choice, you set yourself up for success by getting rid of temptation. By creating boundaries that do not even allow the opportunity!

You are relying heavily on your own internal 'trust' system and that is going to fail you. I would also wager that, as it did with me, your BH is not comfortable just relying on your internal willpower to make the right choice either.

Good points, unwritten. It is too much "trust" that leads to affairs.

I wasn't going to post anymore on this thread since I think MrsV has left but it is going to continue to bug me so here it goes...


MrsV, I had doubts this M was "In Recovery" when I first read your title "Trust Issues - 4 years later".

Any F?WS that accuses the BS of having "trust issues" is a big

To be completely honest, it tells me that they are either still (a) leading a SSL (secret second life) or (b) practicing IB (perhaps both) and they want the BS back off.

Essentially this language is a form of gaslighting. And there was more of this when you talked about your H's problems with trust in the first post.

It concerned me even more when you never really acknowledged the "broad strokes" point of the trust article I linked for you, instead you glossed over it and said you would try to have your H go on the trip with you.

If you read through the articles and really understood the point of this program to recover after an A (EXTRAORDINARY Care & Protection), you would have acknowledged how dangerous your attitude is starting with the title of this thread is to your M...and you wouldn't be rejecting some of the advice you are being given...

Hasn't it occurred to anyone in this thread that MrsV's husband may now be the one at greater risk to start an affair of his own, or may even have already done so? I find it odd that he would not post on the MB forums, that he doesn't even want to read Harley's books as a refresher. It's as if he may have something to hide? Or he has some sort of denial himself for doing what's necessary? I really hope I'm wrong about that. I think it is paramount that MrsV does whatever she can to respectfully encourage her husband to read and join this thread.

***EDIT***

And MrsV, you say you are an open book and your husband has access to everything of yours like email, phone, texts, FB, etc. Please tell me the same is true for your husband, that you have equal access to all his stuff.

A reminder to posters to let the moderators do the moderating. If you have an issue with a post, please notify us rather than lecture other posters about their posting style. That is inappropriate and disruptive. Thank you.

With all due respect, you find it "odd" because you are brand new here. It is not "odd" at all. He has not had anything to do with the program because it has not been sold to him. The affair was swept under the rug.

We already KNOW he could start an affair of his own, we have told her that traveling jobs are an invitation to an affair.

Yup. We covered it.

I'm still here. The kids were off school this week and I don't spend much time on the computer when they are home.

Unwritten, I do not engage in any IB when my husband and I are together. Neither of us spend any time away from each other when he is not working, aside from me putting children to bed. Very certain that doesn't count, though he does wish it didn't take so long!

We are in recovery, but it is a process, isn't it?

I see the point you all make regarding trust and traveling, but during this time, we "practice" trust in each other and connect emotionally as much as possible during his brief travels.

I appreciate how much all of you trust in and rely on Harley's program, but there are other schools of thought. After the first year of learning and practicing the basics of this program, going through counseling together and alone, we chose to focus on the positive aspects of our relationship. We may not always be doing things your way, or Harley's way, but what we are doing is strengthening our marriage. The trust, though obviously still an issue, is improving.

By focusing on the positive aspects of our relationship our love grows and our relationship strengthens. Our family strengthens. What we appreciate appreciates.

So, while I am grateful for all of your input, I have to say that the tone here is highly negative and depressing. Not a tone I choose to live within. Not a tone that we, my husband and I, choose to live within.

We are 100% committed to each other, our marriage and our family. Every marriage has issues, bumps and even bruises. We accept our past failures and choose to move forward toward an ever increasingly better future together. I will never get to the place I was prior to my affair because I keep myself on alert and avoid any behaviors that would allow for foggy thinking. We have protections in place. I have a better understanding of POJA and we're using it. He's not posting here because he is extremely private and cannot enthusiastically agree to be here or use the program.

And I come back here when I need a little shake down. Thanks for that.