A couple of questions, CP. How long ago was this affair? Does your husband know the OM? Who was this guy, a family friend, coworker? Have you seen him since?

Were there multiple affairs or one affair?

And do you believe your husband is an alcoholic? Can you be more specific about that?

Hey CP, I hope you are able to deal with the issues that contributed to the affair, as well as deal with the addiction I've read on this site that unless alcohol/drug addiction is broken the principles here will not be able to fully implemented.

I would like to address the MIL part of it, though now after reading the thread I see that she is just a symptom, not the overarching problem, in your marriage.

I had to tell my OWN mother I refused to accept disrespectful treatment anymore and that until the family changed I wasn't going to visit much. And guess what? I don't. I wish things would change but we can't ALL have the family we want. We have to play the cards we are dealt. I told my family I was not going to bring my son around if they continued cursing me out, calling me derogatory names, and dropping f bombs around him. I didn't want my son to grow up thinking it's ok to treat his mom that way. Some of my family has changed, some has not. I made my decision accordingly. I can tell you one thing: repeatedly crying about it and hoping others will commiserate with you and tell you how wrong they're being may feel good but it doesn't SOLVE the problem.

***EDIT***

What is borderline alcoholism?

Does your H use alcohol to regulate his moods?

If your H is using alcohol (or other substances) to regulate his mood he is an alcoholic.

Does he agree he may have a problem?

Why didn't you tell your H about this EA/PA at the time? You said he knew something was going on...did he suspect?

Thank you for posting your full story!

A reminder that the purpose of this forum is to help posters with Marriage Builders solutions. Thank you.

***EDIT***

If you have an issue with the way the board is moderated, then email the moderators or the administrator. Do not disrupt this thread anymore with complaints about moderation, or with non Harley advice.

Hey Mel. Thanks for not giving up on me before I posted the full story. And, thanks for hanging in there after hearing the ugly details. I feel really bad to admit these things, but don't want to hide the truth anymore. While I'd rather come across as a better person, and have MBrs' approval, I'm now just wanting to get down to business and true healing.

Here are my responses to your questions:

How long ago was this affair?
It was over 11 years ago.

Does your husband know the OM? Who was this guy, a family friend, coworker?
Yes, my H knew him; he was a coworker.

Have you seen him since?
No, I haven't seen him since. And I'm certain that I will never see him again, as I learned my lesson the very hard way.

I also am certain that I am not going to put myself in a position to have an EA with anyone, ever again, as that is where I'm really vulnerable. You see, I hadn't really meant to have an affair (at all). I know that is so completely ignorant and hard to believe, but it is true. I was just at the point where I was finished with my marriage, but I was a coward and didn't want to hurt my H, my kids, or anyone including myself. So, instead, I just shared my problems with this OM, asking for completely inappropriate advice on how to get out of my marriage, if i seemed like i could be a good wife, etc. This eventually turned into an EA (mostly just EA with minor PA), and, then, ended up causing more problems and pain than I had ever imagined...

Were there multiple affairs or one affair?
I've had multiple friendships that I realize now were putting too much dependence outside of my marriage. But this EA/PA was really the only one that was in the marriage breaking category. Please let me know if you need more details about that.

And do you believe your husband is an alcoholic? Can you be more specific about that?
Well, he does not drink every day, and he can get through working at his job, working out, spending time with our kids, etc., without drinking. But he does drink a lot of beer, which can be several nights a week, and also, sometimes wine and hard-liquor, too, but mostly beer. He does, at least, get anoyingly (is that a word) tipsy every time. Sometimes, but not often (maybe 1 to 2x year), he gets so drunk that he starts accusing me for things that are not reality. I.e., one time, he told me he can't believe I don't like so and so (one of his friends), and I had no idea what he was talking about/really like this person... Another time, he accused me of doing something that happened way back when we were in high school, when I lost my temper and accidentally ran over his foot driving away. Completely wrong of me, because I was driving off while raging at the time... But, this terrible thing happened over 20 years ago, and he was speaking to me, while he was drunk, as if it was happening now or like I still treat him that way.

Anyway, sorry for all the ugly details... I wish this wasn't the true story, but it is...

Thanks Daisy Cat. I know you are right, that i often just look for people that will let me vent and complain instead of fixing the problem. So true... I am going to try to work on real solutions now, so appreciate your advice and story. Sorry to hear that you had to cut down the time you spend, even with your own mother and family, but it sounds like that was a great and healthy choice for you and your son. I am going to have to spend a lot less time with my MIL and other in-laws, so appreciate your advice and story.

Tisme-
Thanks for sticking with me, even after my story. Here are the answers to your questions:

What is borderline alcoholism?
Yes, maybe there is not such a thing(?) What I am trying to say is that my H does not drink every day, or every night, or to even get up in the morning and go to work, work out or do other productive things. He does not have to have a drink to do most things, and he is not shaking or showing any physical symptoms, showing that his body is addicted... But, he does drink a lot of evenings... Please see my post to Melody Lane, a couple posts up, to see the details...

Does your H use alcohol to regulate his moods?
He does drink to relax.

If your H is using alcohol (or other substances) to regulate his mood he is an alcoholic.
That's a real bummer. He's not going to want to hear or admit that...

Does he agree he may have a problem?
He does admit that he is a binge drinker, but he doesn't act like it is a problem or something he wants to fix.

Why didn't you tell your H about this EA/PA at the time? You said he knew something was going on...did he suspect?
I truly didn't tell him then, or now, because I didn't and don't want to hurt him. Even when I feel deep hatred towards him, I would never, even in those moments, say anything to hurt him like that.

Yes, he did suspect something was wrong and asked me if I was on drugs. I lied and blamed it on an emotional breakdown due to stress, etc.

Thank you for posting your full story!
Thanks for putting up with me!

CP, you do understand that this makes no sense, right? If you stole someone's money, would you use this excuse to not admit your crime? It makes no sense in that context and even less in the context of adultery. You avoid telling him because you are worried about covering your OWN self.

Lies and deceit make it impossible to ever create true intimacy in your marriage. IT also is not fair to your husband to withhold the truth about his own life. What if he would choose NOT to stay married if he knew this? Wouldn't that be his right? Well, he is being denied the right to make that choice about his own life. To not tell him is cruel and manipulative. It is to trick him into staying married to you.

You want to make this work? Then tell the man the truth about his own life.

I would never, even in those moments, say anything to hurt him like that.

Do you really think telling him of your infidelity would be worse than committing the infidelity? You have already hurt him, and his marriage. Your emotions (guilt, fear) are betraying you now, which is what brought you here. If you love him, you owe him the opportunity of a life with a woman free from that baggage.

You know that, certainly. You also know that that "baggage-free" woman might not, at his option, be you.

How much do you love him, versus how much do you love your life with him, is the only question.

Hi Pink,

I had a feeling that was what you meant, that it wasn't daily, and maybe many grey areas.

My H is a recovering addict, we married very young, and I *thought* he had a problem (he denied) but we also had a lot of grey areas and I wasn't sure.

I went and talked to someone, was asked several questions, such as does he continue in the face of negative consequences, etc. and I couldn't give an honest yes answer... at that point.

Then he asked does he use to regulate his moods, that I could answer YES, that was his preference. He would want to indulge if he was stressed, upset, or worried to "calm down" I was told that was addiction.

In our case it did eventually progress to more frequent use, continuing in the face of consequences and so on. He also has a history in his FOO, so he has the genetic link also.

I just heard Dr. Harley say on MB radio recently, that addicts often have anxiety issues, this also applies in my H case.

I honestly am not sure if one drinks occasionally to "relax" it would count as mood regulation....I am stumped on that one.

Do you think any of the other things I mentioned apply to your H?