The question I have asked myself was..What are my other options?


2-5 years with no guarantee of results is a long time. However, I know exactly what D means as well.

Any road we choose is a difficult one. R is hard. D is hard.

Guess I am rolling the dice that I can R my M with MB and in time have a wonderful M.

I just have so much diffuculty with the obsessive thinking and the continuous churning in my mind of memories, of moments from that awful time.

I know Marital and others have posted some good pointers about how to change that behavior; it is just so difficult becasue the pain and betrayal was so great. And sometimes I worry that our tolerance level post-affair is much lower because of the hurt.

And I've learned to not underestimate the effect om recovery that NOT meeting UA time has...it is very detrimental.

And sometimes I worry that our tolerance level post-affair is much lower because of the hurt.

THIS (generalized) is exactly the subject of my ruminations, HFD. As it comes together, I think the end result will be a rather disruptive challenge to a key component of the MB program as regards BHs. Look for it quickly when it's posted - it's not likely to be permitted to remain long.

Will do!

(good to hear from you!!!)

You are not alone. This is completely 100% normal for a BS. I have tried 're-directional thinking'. When a bad memory comes to mind I try to shift my thinking, get busy with something..anything to distract myself.

The more you dwell..the deeper you get into depression..the harder it is to get out.

Dwelling on the mistakes of the past, however easy to do, doesn�t change a thing and just makes it harder on yourself�and your W. She cannot change the past. She can do everything in her power to make today and tomorrow great.

Now, I have a FWW that is doing everything in her power to help me. We have worked together to come up with specific things that she can do to ease the pain in the moment. She will reassure me of her love an commitment, she will tell me how much she loves me, tell me of her commitment to me and the M, hug me, ask if there is anything at all she can do.

Every day she send me a text similar to..matter of a fact she just texted me �I do not have inappropriate conversations or behave inappropriately in any way. I�m not lying to you. I have too much respect for you and will not ever treat you that way again. I�m trying very hard to right the all the wrong I have done to you. You deserve that�

She reassures me daily that she is being honorable and it helps.

Does it always work? Heck no. I still slip from time to time. Monday was a bad day for me. I was ready to throw in the towel. But, I have learned that my moods, thoughts and feelings still are on a roller coaster.

Guess what? Tuesday morning, I woke up feeling very optimistic of the future and it has been a good week.

My point is that R is a process. It isn�t a linear trajectory. Highs, lows, lows and highs.

I could have written this post a couple of years ago. Back then, I didn't even really believe that the future could be any different. Certainly, my tolerance level is much lower now than it was pre-A. I didn't ignore H's occasional independent behavior. I spoke up about it and told him how it makes me feel. I don't have the same amount of trust as pre-A. I never should have had that kind of trust. And H responds to my complaints because he does not want to be the cause of unhappiness for me.

I had a deep struggle with the idea of forgiveness. I was angry. I found that as H provided "just compensation", I didn't have the same level of resentment. Dr. Harley has said that if there is resentment present, it is an indication that recovery is not complete. Have I forgiven H? I don't really think so. However, the affair is no longer front and center in my thoughts. And when I do think of the affair, it is with the same sort of sadness I feel about other bad times in our lives, bad times that we lived through and overcame.

I also worried about another false recovery (After about 17 months of no contact, H contacted OW via email and telephone for about 10 days). As I recognized that I would not be afraid to divorce immediately if that were to happen, the worry dissipated. I determined that I would not live with that fear for the rest of my life. The bottom line is that I believe my husband loves me much more than I love him. Don't get me wrong. I love him, but I also know I could live quite nicely without him.

Finally, the importance of UA time meeting the four critical emotional needs cannot be overstated. H and I charted our UA time for 84 straight weeks. On the few occasions that UA time dipped below 15 hours, we both felt terrible.

AM

Thanks, AM.

I think my concerns are that

1. should I really be having/holding onto this much obsessive thinking about the A, 2 years after exposure?

2. I worry that this factor, alone or maybe in combination with low UA time, or W's LBs not being eliminated, is causing me to have AOs recently....which in and of itself is an LB.

Thanks for your insight!

My obsessive thinking didn't start to decline until we were very serious about working the program. D-Day was April 2008. We attended an MB weekend Jan 2010. We worked the program hard for about a year and a half. I let go of the resentment little by little. I estimate that it was sometime in 2012 when I really didn't feel much of any resentment.

UA is critical.

BTW, only you cause you to have AOs.

AM

Mike,

Your case is one of the worst here, at least from a male point of view, and most likely wonder how you can bear it.

Perhaps the recovery time is proportional to the length of time that the lies went on.

That you did not retaliate against OM makes you the man of the decade, but also added stress to your life.

God Bless
Gamma

I'm almost 5 months past D-Day. It's been a hard journey that's for sure. I told my wife I've forgiven her in Jan but I still don't think I really do, yet. Reading the analogy about the 10,000 debt makes a lot of sense to me.

I worried that if I say, you�re forgiven that means she no longer owes me compensation. Just compensation is something that a BS truly needs to overcome resentment. I've tried to forgive the POSOM but I don't think I ever will. I still have very viloent tendencies towards him and I'm glad he lives 100 + miles away.

I feel for everyone that has had to go through this. My journey still just began but we are in much better spot in our relationship pre-A.

I'm a Christian and it helps me to think that what happens in our lives does not always seem fair to us, but it is what God has indented to happen to lead us to this particular time.

It's been fundamental in helping me cope with the nightmare. I also con-cur that quality UA time is absolutely needed in order for the roller coaster ride to stop and for the love bank to move from red to black.

I don't know if there as any proof of this - but it seems very likely that there is a correlation between the length of the A (and extent) and amount of time for the FBS to recovery, emotionally.

Having one of the worst situations here is a banner I get to wear. Yippee.

Its also the million or so other things outside of her having sex with the other guy that compounds, yes, a wicked long extra marital relationship. Things I have spoken about a bunch of times. Letting my kids fall in love with his family, having them be our weekly visitors, denying me sex, abandoning any financial responsibility to our marriage, yada yada yada. Boring.

All tolled, Sunny, maybe a lengthy EMA make take a lengthy bit of time to recover from.

Ive decided over the last 5 months that Im resigned to 5 more years.

Heres hoping the next half decade I see the light of recovery and happiness. Im cracking a Corona right now and enjoying my Friday night happy hour.

Anyone joining me?

PS. The lady whose husband was doing her mother too for many years comes a close 2nd? Right?

MSS, just remember 5 year then 10 and before you know it you have spent your life trying to fix a problem that may not be able to be fixed. In my case there is NOTHING that I can do to forgive her yet we are still together. I wish I had found MB when her A started I am sure we would have had a better outcome but the length of time and the damage is done making it harder to recover if possible.

If we're counting a lot of baggage to overcome, I think I get first place on that one.

First, my H had a 10-year EA/PA with a former girlfriend that started with them making out in the parking lot of his work one week after we got married. My family also became friends with her family. Our kids played together and we did things together as a family for this 10-year period, and I was clueless about what was going on behind my back. My H even admitted to rolling around in my bed with her, half-clothed, while both her kids and my kids played right upstairs. She was also supposed to be my "friend" and we did things together all the time.

Then, after my H finally confessed and broke off all contact with her and her family, we limped along for 3 years, not recovering at all, and I finally had a PA that lasted 6 months and resulted in me getting pregnant with the OM's child, who my H and I are now raising together with NC with the OM.

We still aren't really recovered. We don't spend anywhere near enough UA time together, my H isn't onboard with MB and doesn't really even understand the whole concept of EN's.

I share this simply to make everyone else feel better about their own situation.

I feel for you, MSS - and for the other, extreme situations mentioned here - for sure!

How long you give it is a completely personal decision. There are definitely situations where recovery is not possible. You've probably gotten every suggestion in the book but only you know if you and your wife have tried them all...

Perhaps time is the answer; perhaps it's time to get some advice from the professionals who can advise you whether or not it would just be wasting that time...

My situation is not as severe in the same sense but I have been through it more than once, so I understand. I divorced my first husband after he cheated. We had no kids together so that was not as bad in that sense. Mr. Sunny had an EA (cyber-affair) around year 7 of our marriage. We were separated for about 3 months. Then, of course, there was 2010 and the EA/PA. I never thought I would go through infidelity once much less several times! I've dealt with my fair share of PTSD from it all.

You are in my thoughts!

MSS you could have gotten the bomb dropped on you like I did last night. My wife and I came within one day of getting a divorce in 1991. I called it off after she ask me to. I did it partly because I did not want to raise a 7 year old girl by myself. I thought there was only one man involved. Last night my WW told me there was 3 one night stands and one was my best friend. I am at a total loss for words. 40 years are going down the drain as soon as I can get to a lawyers office. I am going after her retirement the house and anything else I can get.

Lightsout,

I'm so sorry. What made her tell you everything last night? If I recall correctly, didn't you have her take a polygraph?

I hate to ask, but were any of the affairs before your DD was born?

Sorry for the t/j.

helpfordad, please read Armymama's post again and again because it contains your answer. I stayed obsessed for several years with my husband's affair because I constantly talked about it and we lovebusted each other. Our UA time, although we did get 20+ hours, was pisspoor because we would lovebust each other.

When we really started working this program everything changed dramatically. Just like Dr Harley says, if you still have resentments this far out, that means recovery is not complete.

I can go years without thinking about my H's affair and when I do, it doesn't bother me in the least. My mind doesn't go there anymore. The reason? We never talk about it, we don't lovebust each other and we are always very pleasant during our UA time. ["dear, was I very pleasant tonight?"] <---we ask each other this question!

Why don't you sign up for the MB course?

Ditto.