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Ok so I found out 8 weeks ago that my husband had an affair....this broke my heart!!!! I have been on a roller coaster where I can be sobbing one day but still love him to angry and hating him the next.
When does this get easier???
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Well, it depends.
I assume (but don't want to presume) that you wish to try to save your marriage?
What have you done about it?
And what, if anything has he done?
Specifically:
--Has he ended the affair?
--Do you know with whom it happened & for how long?
--Has the affair been exposed?
--Does he still have any contact with her?
How old are you both? How long married? Kids?
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Joined: Feb 2013
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Hi,
Yes I want to save my marriage but I don't want to continually feel like this. We have started seeing a marriage counsellor. Yes the affair has ended, it ended in 2011 but I just found out. I don't know the womanbut I have since spoken to her. This went on for 3 years, but she lives on the other side of the world so most contact was on the phone. All contact has stopped.
He is 43 and I'm 38 , married for 7 years and 2 kids.
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I'm sorry you've had cause to find your way here. Weekend responses are sometimes a bit slow on these boards, but people will be along over the next few days with pertinent advice.
As first step, I'd suggest reading the book "Surviving An Affair" -- I don't get a cent for saying so, but it's a book that just may have saved my marrage.
For what it's worth, the "roller coaster" feeling -- up one day (or one hour!), down the next -- is absolutely normal for someone in your situation.
How'd you find out?
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P.S. -- Did you miss my question about exposure?
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Thanks, only I know about it.....I'm too embarrassed for others to know and I don't want people to hate him.
One time while he was away on business he meet up with her and she gave him a card. He didn't want to bring it home for obvious reasons so he took a photo of it with his phone. I found the photo on the phone.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Ok so I found out 8 weeks ago that my husband had an affair....this broke my heart!!!! I have been on a roller coaster where I can be sobbing one day but still love him to angry and hating him the next.
When does this get easier??? I am so sorry for your loss.  You are in the right place. We can help you save your marriage if you are willing to follow a very narrow path. Most people do not survive infidelity because they don't follow these steps. They end up in a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage and often end up having more affairs. You don't have to be like that if you follow these steps. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? To answer your question about how long you will feel like this, it can be forever if you don't recover. But if you do recover and take these steps, you can feel better much faster and actually end up with a great marriage where you don't even think about it. When the present is great, people don't tend to think about the past. But if the present is not great, you will continue to think about the past. Is your marriage counselor familiar with Marriage Builders? And has your husband stopped traveling altogether?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks, only I know about it.....I'm too embarrassed for others to know and I don't want people to hate him. The first step will be to tell your family, children over age 4 and close friends. Exposure is therapeutic after an affair and is the first step towards recovery. It gives you the support you need and allows others to hold your husband accountable. It will help for your husband to see himself through the eyes of others. Exposure is the best thing you can do for your marriage outside of not being apart overnight anymore. Is the OW married? Have you checked out her background?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't think I am ready to tell anyone......
I really want my marriage to survive and I don't want people to hate him still after we have moved on.
Sounds stupid I know, I can't believe that I am actually trying to protect him!
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I don't have the book but I will definately look into it.
He has stopped overseas travel but unfortunately he still needs to travel locally, he has only had one might away since it all came out.
The OW was married but then separated from her husband, she says that she didn't separate because of my husband but who knows??? I really want to contact her ex husband and let him know but it won't change anything as they are no longer together.
Last edited by Howdoisurvive; 02/16/13 06:43 PM.
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I don't think I am ready to tell anyone...... It's the fear talking ......... I really want my marriage to survive and I don't want people to hate him still after we have moved on. You assume the worse of people. This is not the reason you choose to keep your husband's adultery secret. It's fear ....... You don't sound stupid. Again, you assume to know how others will react. You are fearful. That's how you sound. Afraid. Afraid to be strong. Afraid to speak the truth. Afraid to face the truth full on. I can't believe that I am actually trying to protect him! I don't believe for a second you are protecting anyone but yourself. You are afraid of your own weakness.
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Post written a long time ago. I am not the author of this one. It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear
Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".
There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.
MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.
You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.
Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.
If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.
Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.
Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.
Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.
Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.
And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble.
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Affairs thrive in the dark. Truth and openness are the light. Secrecy is why he was able to maintain his adulterous ways for THREE YEARS. You need support. Not just on this forum, but in real life. Tell your family. Tell them you need their support to make it through this as well as to protect your marriage in the future. I'm going to tell you something important. The general timeline for really "getting over" being lied to by your adulterous spouse is (mostly) double the time of the affair. In your situation, 6 years. You think you can shove this dirty business "under the rug" to avoid embarrassment, but trust me, that "under the rug" plan is poison for recovery. All you will be doing is storing this secret and create a huge mountain of resentment. You are fixing to to build your marriage upon a dirty secret. Does that sound right to you?. If you want to really recover your marriage, you will be required to do things you never thought you had the strength to do. You will need to pull out all your courage and plug in every bit of your integrity and explore the dark corners of your marriage, looking to expel things/habits that are no longer working for you. Now is not the time to hide and try the same ol' same ol' crap that got you where you find yourself today. Either you find your courage and deal with this out in the open, or your despondency will multiply. You may eventually jeopardize your physical health. Truth!
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I don't think I am ready to tell anyone...... And that is understandable. No one is ever really ready, but it is the first step towards recovery. I really want my marriage to survive and I don't want people to hate him still after we have moved on. You won't have any control over that. Sounds stupid I know, I can't believe that I am actually trying to protect him! But you are not protecting him. You are harming him - and yourself - by helping him hide his crime. That doesn't help anyone. And I will just tell you it is very doubtful that you have the full truth about the affair. For example, it probably has not ended. You also know that this OW is married. Since she is married, her husband needs to be notified of the affair. He has a right to know so he can protect himself from your husband. Have you tried looking up the OW on facebook? Will your husband take a polygraph?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He has stopped overseas travel but unfortunately he still needs to travel locally, he has only had one might away since it all came out. That is fine as long as he is home every night. It is traveling away overnight that has enabled him to have an affair. That has to stop in order to recover your marriage. The OW was married but then separated from her husband, she says that she didn't separate because of my husband but who knows??? I really want to contact her ex husband and let him know but it won't change anything as they are no longer together. Yes, it will change everything. And he has to know about the affair. Wouldn't you want to know? And it will go a long way towards ending the affair if it hasn't ended yet, which is a real possibility. Do you really have any evidence that it has ended? Have you gone over his phone, email and travel records? You can't go by what your husband and the OW report because they are liars. You have to go by what you can prove.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have spoken at length to both of them and she is really angry and giving me lots of evidence of the affair and that it is over. They have both told me it is over.
I have checked phone records, emails etc and there is no evidence that they are still speaking.
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Your marriage won't survive if you hide the affair from the world.
Telling people will help your spouse stay accountable for actions in the future....if you get there.
Exposure must be done without telling in advance you will do it.
You also do not apologize for doing it when they find out and are angry you did it.
This is a critical first step to saving your marriage.
Exposing and then walking through the fire your spouse spouts trying to deflect the affair fallout on you. Being brave enough to do this will set things in a more healthy direction.
It is scary but the best way to move on.
And, do not be so surprised if the affair isn't truly over. It rarely is this soon. Rarely. Even if you believe it ended in 2011. Even IF the other person lives on the other side of the planet. (The planet is quite small actually......quite). Even IF there is no email or phone clues you can see right now.
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I have spoken at length to both of them and she is really angry and giving me lots of evidence of the affair and that it is over. They have both told me it is over. But, do you have any real evidence of that? Their testimony is not evidence. What evidence has she given you that proves this? I have checked phone records, emails etc and there is no evidence that they are still speaking. One suggestion would be to put a keylogger on his computer and spyware on his phone so you can find out for sure. Emails and texts can easily be erased. Were you able to tell how old the "picture" was? What was the picture of?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And, do not be so surprised if the affair isn't truly over. It rarely is this soon. Rarely. Even if you believe it ended in 2011. Even IF she lives on the other side of the planet. (The planet is quite small actually......quite) I agree with this. I would be surprised if the affair was really over. The OW's husband might know about the affair, which is why she needs to give him a call.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What is the OW "angry" about?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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