I hope you have done a thorough background check of the ow.
In my case I was able to have a no contact clause between kids and OM in the divorce settlement.

Your kids will hate her anyway and most affairs die in 6 months so she won't be around long

They have been in an affair for three years and they still work together. This one may not die. I have a no contact clause in our parental agreement, but only until our divorce is final. I can not control anything after that.
Just need advice on how to deal with that when it comes. Hopefully with grace.

Very similar to my situation. WXH and OW began their affair almost exactly 4 years ago. They are still seeing each other, I think, although not sure because he now keeps OW away from ds and he has almost completely for almost 2 years.

Dealing with the OW being introduced to my ds after the divorce was final was by far the most gut wrenching thing of this entire divorce. I did not do well on that much of the time. I completely fell apart at first. However, in hind site what made it so much worse for me is that I had convinced myself they were not seeing each other anymore (and they may not have been until the divorce was final. Within a month of the divorce being final I had confirmation that he went on trip with her and a month after that he introduced ds to her. ds was 9 at the time. I wish I had prepared myself better for it and handled myself with more grace. In your case, since you know he is still seeing her, maybe you can avoid what I went through.

Here is a link to one of my threads that I started in July of 10, which was over a year past D-Day and about 6 months past divorce being final. There is a ton of good advice in it from board members who helped me so much back then. I hope it helps you. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695171&page=1

Thank you, I will certainly read it over. I have done that in the past as well, thinking they were not together only to find they never broke up. Hurts all over again.
It just makes me sick the thought of her trying to be this so called "step mom" to my kids...she has no kids so she is so eager to fall into that role. Believe me if she did or could have kids my WH would have ran the other way. She is a woman of convenience for him.

Your children are very young. Do they understand why you are getting a divorce?

My ds had barely turned 9 on D day and I told him the truth. That his dad was having an affair (and he confirmed with me that this meant having sex with another woman) and that I was going to divorce him because of the affair. When ds first met the OW he was excited and he was very curious...and her son was fun to play with at first (OWs son was about 4 at the time). With in a year though ds was disgusted by the whole thing and told his dad he didn't want to be around her anymore.

So, try to be calm. Try not to ask questions, and when they tell you things try to say 'hmm...' and refrain from asking for more details. I wish I had done more of that.....

I have not told them about the affair and yes, I have gotten slammed for this. (so young 3 and 18 months) when this first started so I have sheltered them from this. When I know they will meet I will sit down with them. I ask a lot of questions when they come back from their dad's. Good advice. We always want to peek on the other side of the fence.
At the end of the day I hope I am so emotionally detached that I do not care about him and the mess of the life he made for himself.

You can push for a no contact clause in the divorce agreement

If your kids are 3 and 18 months they are too young to expose to.

Looks like they are 4 and 7 now.

Doesn't sound like he is the type to agree to such a clause.

He will never agree to that clause...I have no control of what he does after the divorce. My boys are 4 and 7 now.
Driving the boys to school today my 4 year old said, Daddy is not coming back, he does not love you anymore... I was crushed.
Obviously, he asked him to come back. In instances like this I can look back and know I did everything I could. Held on too long actually. Still hurt.

I think it is probably important to tell them sooner rather than later about the affair, and who OW is. That way, if they have any questions, they can have them answered before they even meet her.

In my case, my children met OW on Christmas Day, one week after my WH moved out, and then in with OW. Of course I was beyond crushed, and I was worried if they liked her. I don't have to worry, they don't. I used to ask a lot of questions about what they did, what they ate, etc when with WH. Now, I don't ask anything, and haven't for a long while, as I realised that it kept me in that mindset, and it did nothing to help me heal. I believe I would have a much harder time if my children liked OW. My DS12 once told me that OW was overheard by him complaining that the boys don't like her. Well geez, I wonder why.

Now, when it comes down to your text exchanges between you and your WH, do you two negotiate during this or do you just state the facts? What I mean by this is, do you say, "DS7 has been invited to John's bday party on Saturday, at McD's from 1-3, please RSVP directly to Mom of John, at 555-5555" Or is it more like, "DS7 has a birthday party that he was invited to, but it's on your weekend. He would very much like to go. Can you let me know if you will be taking him?" Which then has him sending back a message that says either "Yes, I can take him" or "No way, it's my time, and I don't like John's mom anyways. She's your friend, not mine"

In my case, I send a message to IM, and she forwards to him the details, and then WH sends back a message, which gets filtered, and I get the unemotional version of it. Sometimes, even a non answer is enough to make me feel drawn back into it all, but I can get over that much more quickly than if I had to deal with it all myself, and not have that extra filter of an IM.

My text messages are business like now. Funny, I bought a book called "Joint Custody with a Jerk" and it really helped me to start treating him like someone I have a professional relationship with. Funny thing, is he never responded to the text about the parties. I usually handle RSVP's b/c I see these parents way more than he does.
Scotland- you are doing an amazing job. I worry when they do meet her they will like her... who knows and I plan on speaking with them before they meet and they will know the truth.
Our divorce is not even close to being final. I am guessing maybe by the end of the summer??

I agree you should tell the kids the unemotional facts about why their dad is not coming back. They are pretty young but old enough for the Truth--age appropriate. My best friend seperated from her WH when she was pregnant with their only child. He was exposed to the OW from infancy. Eventually...seems like he was around 7 he began to ask questions and my friend told him the Truth "your dad chose to leave me so that he could be with OW".

Why is your divorce taking so long?

He filed at the end of August and our first court date was in January, next one is March 20th. My attny sent him a settlement proposal to start negotiations and he just said I am not signing your **** agreement. His attny never got back to us with a revised aggreement. If we came up with a settlement I could be done in March. Highly unlikely at this point.
SW, I read your thread and felt your pain. I am happy to see you are re-married. I look forward to my next relationship and hope I will be happier than ever.

SW- As i read your thread I also at times feel like "he won". He is happy, he chose his OW over his family and he is living the high life. He has vacationed twice already in the last six months. How did you get passed feeling like "he won" Common sense tell me otherwise, but when anger comes over me and I am having a hard time with the boys wishing I had someone to share my life with I feel like he wins.

I felt very competitive with the OW as well. I feel like she wins too. Again common sense says what did she win. A broke overweight divorced man.

I just hate feeling like that at times.

He's doing all this to prove he is happy when he really isn't. Inside -- if he isn't already -- he is going to be miserable and wondering if the skank was worth it every time he looks at her.

If he continues to stay with her, feel comfortable in that she and he will BOTH be miserable, her especially:

What You Will Get If You Marry Your Affair Partner

Thank you. I hope for karma everyday.

I understand the feelings. They are natural. My WXH has gone on SEVERAL vacations with his OW...NYC, FL beach, San Francisco, a cruise. It just makes me sick...especially when he has not used one single week of his 3 weeks per year of vacation he gets with ds. Also, WXH makes a lot of money. And he bought me out of our beautiful home and still lives there. So I 'get' how you feel about him 'winning'. But I just remind myself that I have the most important thing in my life and that is my son. He is with me almost 24/7 and I get to continue homeschooling with no flack from WXH now. You have your children....and there is no great 'win' in the world. I know you know that, but it is what we have to keep reminding ourselves.

My WXH and your WH are not prizes if they would do what they did to their wife and children.

With a complete Plan B, you will actually see these feelings diminish, since you will be completely focused on your life and the things you can control. I know I harp on Plan B, it's just that I have seen the advantages of a Plan B both personally, and here on these boards.