They do not work together. I did notify our family members right after I spoke to her husband, we don't really have close friends. He's starting to get upset and depressed now. I believe he would contact her again but I don't think she will respond now that her husband knows.

Oh that statement scares me because it makes me question whether you understand that affairs are addictions. The waywards often just get smarter when contacting each other.

What snooping tools do you have in place?

I can't believe it was almost 2 weeks since I posted here. I never said thank you, but I sincerely thank you now, this site is the only thing that kept me sane that day. We did the NC communication I think that same day or the day after, plus he has reopened all his accounts to me. He will let me have his phone at any time for however long I want it. He contacts me when we're apart (we're not apart often) and is always available when I contact him. All this within a day or two after I exposed.

I have more questions which are not about the affair, but about us fixing our marriage, falling back in love, etc. Can I start a new thread for that over in Marriage Builders 101? I see people are told to stick to one thread but since this doesn't pertain to the affair I wasn't sure what to do.

ALF,

Did your husband write a no contact letter to be mailed by you? Have you asked him to write the letter?

The best book for recovering after an affair is Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair". It describes what steps to take to end the affair, implement extraordinary precautions and build a romantic, passionate marriage. Have you read it yet?

When you are ready, you can ask the moderators to move your thread over to the recovery forum. But, if your H has not written a NC letter, then you probably are not ready.

AM

I ordered Surviving an Affair. I'm confused on what I should do at this point? I'm so mad at him, I think he should be making more changes and that I'm doing the majority of the work, but I also think my perspective could be seriously warped.

I have serious anger issues so I feel that that should be my main focus now. I feel that that may be the only thing I can muster the energy for at the moment.

How much time are the two of you spending together each week? I mean quality time - not watching TV together.

You have reason to feel angry.
Validation provided.

However, if your end game goal is to have a wonderful marriage, you need to be exquisitely self controlled. Express anger correctly.

"You lying dirty rotten piece of pig vomit. How could you?" <~~~ This is an out burst. It takes away points.

"You are making choices that diminish my love for you." <~~~ Spoken softly with direct eye contact. Then .... be very still and just wait.

I would never fault you, or anyone, for feeling angry at betrayal.
I would like to encourage you to use that anger to your advantage.
Make a relevant point with your efforts, not a bullet hole.

For quality time together, last week it was about 20. This week I think we've had maybe 2, as both of our kids are very sick and we are both wiped out from that.

Thank you Pepperband. I have a major problem with the anger. I always let it get the best of me, I hold grudges and am vengeful. It's horrible. I know AngerBusters is recommended on this site but it appears to be directed at men. I will keep rereading your post and hope it sinks in.

We recommend Love Busters. I'm not sure what AngerBusters is. Love Busters is geared toward the couple and their communication skills. You can get Love Busters at the bookstore on this site (and they ship fast) or find it on Amazon.

Speaking from a strategic point of view, losing your cool means you no longer have the upper hand. Staying in control of yourself is the ultimate show of power.

If you want to be powerful, be in control of yourself.

If you have developed a bad habit of allowing yourself to fly off the handle, you are relinquishing your power.

That's just dumb.

You are probably modeling the behavior of your least favorite parent. Perhaps not, but chances are good I am correct.

Learn the art of careful listening. Be deliberate in your listening skill. If you feel your anger flame start to grow brighter, start asking questions.
"What makes you say that?"
"Tell me more."
Just keep asking questions until you feel the flame is going down.

It's a technique I used to use with my patients when they were acting the fool. I really wanted to yell at them "Don't be an idiot!".... but, I gained a whole lot more self respect (and their respect) after I learned self control. I used the question technique to buy time.

Sorry, I thought for sure I saw AngerBusters recommended on here. Guess it was somewhere else.

Pepperband, you are 100% correct, I am being massively dumb. I know this and yet have not been able to control it. Neither of my parents were like this, but my dad's mother was. I didn't know her well, she died when I was young and was out of commission with severe alzheimer's before that, but the stories I hear of her sound very much like my actions now. It's horrifying and I am completely disgusted with myself for not being able to control this. It feels unmanageable at this point.

Find something constructive to do with the anger. Some here in the situation of being the BS have taken up running or other hobbies, that would put all that energy to good use.

It could help.

I recommend P90X. It will wipe you out and get you fit at the same time :-)

Also, consider martial arts for self control.

Thanks. I really need to do this ... get interested in something else. Exercise is mostly out as I can barely keep on a decent weight now. I'd like to make H buy me a punching bag.

AngerBusters is an anger management programme that has been run past Dr Harley by one of our posters who has used it, and he approves of it. It has been recommended on this site for that reason. I think it's an online programme.

Ah - good to know, thanks, Sugar! I assumed it was a book.

Have you seen this?

Anger Mgmt 101

No ... thank you! I was hoping for something like this, I will listen to it today.

BrainHurts, thank you thank you thank you for that link. That was exactly what I needed to listen to. I appreciated how the Harleys spoke about this issue. I could relate all too well with Tyrone, I have gone as far as physical abuse before and have a very hard time letting things go.

I have also read the articles on love busters and I do so, so many. This is all very intimidating. I'm trying to break it all up into small goals so it doesn't seem so overwhelming. Does that seem like a good strategy? I feel like I have a tendency to some awful habits and I've spent 34 years just letting myself indulge in those habits. Getting out of it is daunting. Breaking it down like this seems more doable.

1) Get anger under control at all costs.
2) As much together time as possible, including lots of sex. (We haven't had sex in years, mainly because I've made it clear I'm not interested. I'm a real catch, huh? Uuuggghhh.)
3) Find some hobby or activity that I can focus on when not doing together time so I don't dwell on my thoughts.

That's all I really have right now. I'm trying to keep the focus on the need for us to fall back in love, it's nice to just have one thing to focus on rather than the other countless problems. Does this sound like a good strategy? I hope SAA arrives soon.

Sorry to just be spewing my thoughts, I don't really have anyone to discuss these things with.