WOW that's a big & clear warningsign.

Sorry, actually meant to come back and post it but had some trouble finding it.

Here it is: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3393#

Several years after my divorce, I met the man who is now my fiance. We don't live together, and we have 5 kids between us. Since almost all of the kids are in high school, we decided to delay our marriage until they are out of the house. In your case, it will be 15 years until your kids are out of the house. Correct? I understand you may not want to wait until then to get remarried, but are you already looking at your boyfriend as a potential husband?

It is worth noting that remarriages with children have an 85% failure rate.
If possible it is recommended not to remarry with minor children

Jedi: That's one of the reasons my fiance and I decided not to get married until the kids are out of high school.

Mehr: Does your boyfriend have kids?

Do you happen to know where that statistic comes from?

In Dr. Harley's practice his number is 85% of blended families end in divorce.

The US Bureau of Statistics has 67% of second marriages end (with/without children) ... so it only makes sense blended families are much higher.

So of the blended families who seek help from Dr. Harley 85% of those marriages do not survive?

The statistic I saw that referenced the US Bureau of Census said that 66% of second marriages with children break up. Maybe the higher percentage that we often see quoted on this site is because it is one of the families in trouble since they are going to a psychologist for help.

66% is not much higher than first marriages. It is just so terrible though that so many marriages break up. I am sure the second marriages that are familiar with and use MB principles have a much better chance of success.

He said in his famous "affairage" post that he read it in a report. Here:

Dr Harley's Post - CLICK HERE

Excerpt:

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But there is one other issue that is terribly relevant to your situation: Blended families. I read a research report recently that claimed that only 15% of all marriages with children from another relationship survive for 25 years (on average about 50% of all marriages survive for 25 years). Again, from my perspective, the culprit is failure to follow the POJA. Instead of making joint decisions regarding the children, unilateral decisions are made. This ultimately leads to fights and constant turmoil. After the children are grown, however, the conflict does not end. In many cases, advantages continue to be given to children by the natural parent at the expense of the step-parent.
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Thank you. I'd had never read that....it was very interesting. So basically blended families absolute MUST follow POJA. I hope more blended families will find a way to make it work. I hate seeing second marriages end....my sister recently divorced her second husband...she had two kids with her first husband and 2 with the second...and now she is married to a third. So confusing for those kids. The oldest two were raised by the second husband since they were babies! And now he is just their former step dad. Sad.

In my opinion this shouldn't limit parents with young children to a life of celibacy and relationship-less-ness but rather encourage us to be more mindful of MB principles such as POJA and be incredibly selective of our partner. Again, it's my opinion but I think there's benefit after a horrendous divorce for whatever reason to demonstrate to your children what a loving, healthy MB relationship looks like. That's something I strive for.

The flip side that everyone wants to avoid is the revolving door of bad relationships. I think that any single parent here on this board wants to avoid that example. Now if you're avoiding relationships and re-marriage out of preference or for religious reasons, great! But to say that everyone should stay away from dating and re-marriage because blended families are statistically destined for failure is a pretty simplistic interpretation of what Dr. Harley has said. National statistics are indicators of the general population and therefore not necessarily indicitive of the results of our highly MB educated members who go forth into the dating world armed with Dr. Harley's principles.

Travis

I agree. My mother stayed single (she didn't even date) for 28 years because she feared she would pick another bad husband. Although we, she, my brother and I, benefited in some ways from her staying single we did lose out on a positive influcence of a male in the home. I think my brother and I both suffered as a result.

These are probably the most insightful quotes I have read on the board here.
I was so busy watching for red flags in women while dating 4 years ago, I completely ignored my own innervoice.

My ex was a 'sulker' while I was waiting for her to grow up and develop a negotiating style...
To no avail...

People balk when they hear you should wait until your kids are older. I know I did. My son was 3 (almost 4) when I divorced and I felt like waiting until he was older would take too long. By then I�d be too old to find love. Not true. You are never too old to find love. Unfortunately, I found that my initial attempts at dating really hurt my son in that he needed me to be more in tune with him and less distracted thinking about (and dating) men. I had 100% custody, so there weren�t any open weekends to build time.

I stopped dating for a little bit and made a conscious choice to focus on my son and it paid dividends with his behavior and emotional health.

And now, a couple years later, it�s easier to date without impacting him because he is involved in sports and friends and other activities that allowed me to get to know guys without impacting him so much. With 4 kids, this has gotta be harder. But if you don�t have enough time to do things with your new man WITHOUT the kids, I think you should hear the advice that�s given here and consider waiting at LEAST until after nursing school when you can really spend some alone time every day (or every couple of days).

Even if your 4 kids don�t have any issues like my son did, your question was about red flags and it�s hard to observe red flags if your alone time with your boyfriend is only every other weekend.

Just getting to know him on the weekends or while you�re running around also doing things for the kids isn�t a true indicator of who he really is. Most people can hide unsavory parts of their personality for a day or two. It�s the daily interaction over time that will tell you whether there are issues. The 15 hours a day is what MB recommends for a healthy couple sounds like too much time but you know what I discovered? My boyfriend and I spent that time naturally as we were dating. And now that I�m away on military travel, we talk for about 1.5-2 hours every night before bed. That�s almost 15 (not quite) hours right there.

The posted radio clips were very interesting to hear...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2377#
Having children in marriage vs having children in a living together situation�9 times more likely for kids to have a life of crime if they don�t have both parents. Discussion of women having kids on their own bc they wanna have a baby but there�s no hope of marriage looming on the horizon.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3393#
Recommend single moms not remarry until children are older. Why do women with children have trouble finding husbands? The really good husbands don�t want to rear someone else�s children. {{DTC: Wow. That�s tough to absorb}} You don�t have to find someone, you really don�t. You can make your life more complicated than it really is by bringing a man into your life that creates more problems.