I was on Surving an Affair forum for 2.5 years. Obviously by posting here my marriage did not survive. I followed MB principle the best I could, drama and anger did get the best of me at times. I let my emotions drive me. I am better now, not fully recovered but better. As one poster said I still carry some sadness with me.
I am currently in Plan B except for a few text messages a month regarding my boys. No more crazy texting, divorce is divorce and we are done. Nothing left to fight for.
I do have a question, do you think it would be better to have a friendly relationship with your X for the kids. I can not stomach it now, but does Plan B hurt the kids?

Plan B does not hurt the kids -- they have contact with their dad still, one way or another.

Plan B would be GOOD for you. You should know that you are not in a real Plan B right now. A few texts a month is too many for your mental health and you should get an IM ASAP.

How would Plan B hurt the kids? If you are a healthier mom because you heal from staying away from the drama he drags you into. The kids will see that.

Is it better for the kids to see you as a united front for their benefit? I have friends that have told me this.
With that said, no reason for an IM at this point, text are more business like and as I said, we are done and I am doing better When he calls, i let it go to the answering machine and the boys call him back and they do facetime.
Plan B does not protect you from court or parental mediation which is what set me back the most. Text messages I feel nothing, it is when I see him in person.
I think everyone during divorce needs to feel their pressure points. My children are small and little things like B-day parties and kids functions need to go back and forth when they are happening on his wknd. At the end of the day I need my mental health to be well, which is why we do not speak.
I always told him if this does not work out I wil not be his friend. I am not. At pick up and drop off the boys come in and out of the house by themselves.
I am in a modified Plan B, not popular here, (did speak with Dr. Harley about this and got and OK) but it works for me and I am healing, slower than I would like, but I suspect when the divorce is final I can finally feel settled.
I am more scared about financial issue than anything else.
Will I lose my house? Just scary things that I NEVER thought I would have to go through.
I want to feel confident again. I still look in the mirror and wonder who I am now?

As long as there is contact of any kind you are not in Plan B.

Court and mediation are, unfortunately, breaks you can't help. Breaks of any other sort are ones that you can stop. And if you do stop the contact then you will feel MUCH better.

Thank you, I know but I am doing the best I can. Text messages are roughly four times a month. I am in more control now and not flying off the handle.
I have trouble accepting the divorce label and single mom. Any advice to embrace and accept more???

How long have you been divorced? Was it just last July that you finally seperated for good?

That isn't very long. Healing does take time. I never went to a Plan B but I do believe the less contact the better. My ds is almost 13 and I do know that he is MUCH happier when his dad and I are civil with each other. Texting to confirm times and place of meeting. While I would prefer to never see or speak to him again it is not what is most comfortable for my son. The older ds gets the less I have to be involved though. So that is good. Thankfully the way our life is set up there aren't many events where we both have to be. I can only think of 3 in the last 3 years. A 6th grade graduation party and an awards ceremony. And one religious event. Very little.

I am almost 4 years from D-day and just over 3 years from divorce being final. I've been remarried for just over 2 years and I'm very happy. Life does go on. You will feel better.

So sorry for your pain, Mason. It IS difficult, especially when you did everything you could to save the marriage. You are in the middle of a divorce after a long weary struggle, so extra-hard.

(((((Mason)))))

I think as time goes by and you meet others in the same boat, you will feel less like a "label" and more like a person who is dealing with life's (often unfair) struggles and challenges.

Some churches offer "Divorce Care" classes - these can be very helpful and healing, though be careful not to date anyone you meet there! (prob. wouldn't be a healthy choice just then) You may want to check one out.

And as a single mom meeself, I actually feel sort of a sense of empowerment and self-respect. You can hold your head high, you're making healthy choices and parenting your lovely daughters with grace. That's AWESOME!

Do you have supportive family and friends? If not, perhaps you can scare some up?

I agree as well. Not only will your children see it, others will see it as well. Not just with the peace that plan b brings you, people will also notice the changes with your children, calmer plan b mommy results in calmer, emotionally stable children.

When will your D, be final?

Also have you seen this?

Important/Special Events in Plan B

I suggest you read the parallel parenting thread and consider that.
In parallel parenting there is no "united front"
You parent your way when the kids are with you.

Also I would quit the texts and go to email.
Other wise you will always have stress when you get a text.... Is it him?????

Have a designated email address and check it once a day

I will say that email is also better for keeping a record of agreements.

My xh defers to my parenting plan in almost all situations, I am thankful for that and I prefer that. If he were difficult I would definitely go to a parallel plan.

Thank you all, my next court date is March 20th. No where near a settlement. Our final separation was last July. False recovery as I was so eager to keep my family together. Baseball season is coming up and I will ask him not to come to the games on my weekends. We did that for soccer and it was much better. But, in the future I can not keep him away from everything. '

I have supportive family and friends. Divorce is a mess. Emotionally and financially.

We are parallel parenting.

Smiling Woman, I think as time passes and I heal more maybe we can get to a better place for the boys...but right now I want nothing to do with him.

Brain Hurts: I had not seen that post in a very long time. Thank you. It feels good to start a new post and leave my other one behind. One more step moving forward.

Sorry, you have sons. I mis-read your byline.

That is ok, I appreciate you insight.

Mason, there is always a good reason for an IM. Do you have any of the most recent texts available? Would you be willing to type them out, replacing the names, and specific places, so we can see, and maybe help with some of the interactions? Even if they are civil now, that could change in the future. I am quite sure that my own WH's interactions are okay with the IM, but thing is, if there was ever anything that was inappropriate, I wouldn't even know that it happened. That helps me heal much much better.

You don't have to be combative when and if you do have to deal with your WH, and I'm glad that you are choosing not to be friends either. What you are talking about isn't just about being civil. There is a HUGE misconception nowadays that everyone should get along for the kid's sake. How utterly confusing for them. I have had ZERO contact with my WH in more than 3 YEARS, and everything works out well. There is no awkward moments with my boys, and I in regard to my WH. And I believe I am healing quite well. Can't even imagine what it would be like with contact. SHUDDER

I really feel at this point I do not need an IM. All talk of divorce goes through our attnys and the last text I sent was about a b-day party for my youngest that was taking place on his wknd and how do you want to rsvp and some finacial aspects. But communication is rare, now that I have stepped back and have accepted the process of divorce without the false hope I had for two years. I am going to impose as we did for soccer for baseball you take him on your wknds and I take him on mine.
Scotty, how did you deal with your boys meeting OW? Mine have not yet and no it is coming down the pike once our divorce is final. Any advice there would be appreciated.
Besides being unsettled by the finanacial aspect of divorce, my boys meeting the OW will be my last emotional hurtle as I harbor such hate for the two of them.