Email string from father-in-law... He sent my husband what I thought was an inappropriate email making light of infidelity just one month after I discovered my husband's affair and father-in-law was informed. My response to his email and then his attack against me. This is the crap I am up against with dear husband's family:

Father-in-law's response:

You know Son and daughter in law , not taking our selves ( that includes me ) is a way of truely enjoying life .when it's all over ; ( I mean death : what we've done in life doesn't mean a rats [censored] ) except we hope we can say we've treated each other with respect . None of us ; I mean none of us can say we've never screwed up ,and so who among us can be the critic who never thrown a stone . I do not know any!!!!!! I mean any .!!!! So what makes that person sooooo sure they are flawless . One needs to answer that question before judging others . Love pop

On Feb 1, 2013, at 9:07 I wrote:

Not so funny in light of current circumstances...



On Feb 1, 2013, at 11:48 AM, father-in-law wrote:

Just for laughs

Sent from my iPhone.

Begin forwarded message:


Subject: Fwd: Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women (BJ)





Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun


Do I even bother responding? Or ask husband to deal with it? Or just let it go? Husband agrees with me that email and dad's reply was not right but he feels it would do no good to bring this up to his dad. HELP!!'

I think I would respond. I know it won't make much of an inpact on Father in Law but you can say your peace and then give up on him after doing so.

I would be respectful but state this:

Making light of such a horrible situation is definitely NOT in the realm of treating others with respect as you mentioned we can all hope to do in our lives before we die.

I do not feel that it is respectful to make comments just for laughs.

Please reconsider your stance on this nightmare in your family.

You could be the man to guide your children out of the cruel world of adultery they got themselves into.

Much love, your devastated daughter in law, (your name)

I concur

All I can sY is he is a very thoughtless man and seems to be talking in wayward-ese. They love to throw that Don't judge talk around. Sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything.

FIL is being defensive. Further rebukes,though justified, will make him more so.

How about. "We are both hurting. Please be kind and support our marriage."

Decided against replying to father-in-law. He would probably defend himself more.

This is the message I sent to OW's sister and two friends via FB last night:

Hello,

I am writing you this message because you are a friend of OW. She had an affair with my husband. As you may know, we have been married for eighteen years and have two children.

I have been counseled that exposure is the best way to proceed and avoid a repeat of what happened. Exposure is the most powerful weapon against an affair, as they thrive on secrecy. This is something I believe I must do to save my marriage and I hope that you will respect this process. WH has promised to have no further contact with OW and we both want to work on our marriage. I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to do the right thing and never contact WH again in order for our marriage and family to heal.

I have included one of their emails below as evidence. If you would like to discuss, please call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Regards,
BW

From: WH
Date: December 12, 2012, 12:34:27 PM EST
To: OW
Subject: Re: Hey baby!!
Can't wait to hold u in my arms!! Talk to u soon

WH

On Dec 12, 2012, at 12:29 PM, OW wrote:
HI PUNKIN!!!!
Was in really bad shape this morning with my RA but poppin ibuprophen every 4 hrs, walkin in circles talkin to myself, now have nervous ticks, starting licking windows & I see dead people but yep, hangin in there. LMAO...Not!

Leaving here in about an hour so I will text you when I get settled in my room. Miss you like crazy, can't wait to see that sexy smile in person & be in your arms!!!!!

On Wed, Dec 12, 2012 at 7:23 AM, WH wrote:

Hope you feel better today. Miss u!!! Couple more days!!!! Hang in there!! Talk to u soon!!

WH

______________________________________________
Well the sh*t hit the fan so to speak. Sister-in-law sent my husband this text:

"Does BW not realize that what she's doing does not look bad on OW. It makes her n you look bad! All OW's friends/family love her n won't think any less of her but it makes BW look like a vengeful spiteful psycho that your married too that can't keep your problems between yourselves."

And now my reply:

This isn't about making anyone look bad, it's about doing everything possible to save our marriage. Once OW slept with my husband it was no longer a problem between just WH and I. She forced herself into the middle of our marriage. She could have avoided all of this by not sleeping with a married man. I have talked to many friends counselors and read many books and this is the course of action we have decided to take. Check out the discussion forum "surviving an affair" on marriagebuilders.com. So you won't judge a woman who sleeps with another woman's husband but you judge the woman working to keep her marriage together? I don't get that. It doesn't make any sense. I didn't say anything untrue in those messages. And I could have said a lot worse, but I didn't. How is what I've said any more vengeful, spiteful or psychotic than sleeping with a married man? Are you really going to try and rationalize that? Give me a break! I love your brother and am taking ALL precautions/steps so that we will have a happy marriage once again. If you won't support our marriage please don't contact either of us again.
____________________________
Husband sees how sister just doesn't get it. I mean really, my message is worse than what husband and OW did? Are you kidding me?!? Can I get a plane ticket to La La Land too?

Never mind what your SIL says she clearly has the morals of a block of wood; that is to say none (if this is the same one that "set up" your brother with OW).

Are you not going to insist on no contact with her as well? I'd block her from both your phone and email. No reason to deal with her continued abuse and destructive attitude toward your marriage.

Same sister-in-law. My husband will not reply to her texts. He sent it to me. I am not shocked by what she does anymore. I have not cut her out completely because I hope she will "see the light". I don't get upset by her texts, because I am not expecting anything from her. I would love for her to "get it" and one day be a part of our lives again.

I guess maybe he should block her number. But he has been honest with me about her texts even though he knows it may upset me.

So OW received no contact letter. I know this because she texted pic of it to SIL, who then sent it to FIL to apparently verify WH handwriting. I guess she (they) thought I wrote it as according to her it seemed abrupt. Did she expect a love note? Anyway WH had talked to his dad and then told me.

FIL told WH that he would love for us to come to family gathering/reunion this July. Don't think I want to see either of them this year. If he's already pressuring in February it will only get worse.

What's the best way to respectfully tell them to back off and in a way they will understand? Anyone had to deal with family member who was integral to affair?

Good on the NC letter.

Has your WH changed all his contact information so she can't contact him?

WH ought to also send a no contact letter to his sister who orchestrated the whole thing.

She may be family but she is toxic to the marriage and needs to be banished from your husband's life to protect the marriage.

It might be true for his father too.

So sorry about the mess.

May your H feel like you are worth protecting above all else.........

WH called his sister shortly after D-day and told her he would not be talking, texting, or seeing her. She was not happy to say the least. If she does text him, he sends them to me. So far so good. I know he would like to have a relationship with his sister at some point but he realizes that won't happen this year and maybe next. Still hope she'll get it one of these days, accept responsibility and apologize. That would be a start. I think she truly wants my WH to be with OW as she thinks they are perfect for one another.

Anyway, things are going pretty well. WH hasn't changed cell phone number because he is self-employed and all his clients have that number. He appears to be honest even when he knows news about his family will upset me. I try not to go off the deep end when I find out things but I flipped my lid this afternoon when I found out SIL was talking to MIL about the letter and how she thinks OW and WH are soulmates. At least WH is seeing her for who she really is.

OK. Yikes.
I think you might read the boundary enforcement thread.

** here's the link **

SIL is something toxic to your marriage. I doubt she will ever be non-toxic.

WH...would not be talking, texting, or seeing her...
she does text him, ...
a relationship with his sister...won't happen this year and maybe next...
she truly wants my WH to be with OW...
SIL was talking to MIL about the letter and how she thinks OW and WH are soulmates.

When I officiate a game, there are times when I am justified in removing a participant (player or coach) from the contest for misbehavior. This occasionally results in their decisions to then tell me (foully, and loudly) their opinions about my professionalism, education, sexual orientation, and parentage. If the opportunity presents itself, before the entirety of the abuse is released, I say to the subject, "The best thing you can do for your own benefit would be to say nothing, sit down, and shut up. NOTHING you are considering doing is going to make any future punishments more lenient!"

It may be that MIL should be asked to give SIL that precise advice!

Yes. I believe WH hopes his mom will relay some of what they discussed to his sister. That she would need to accept some responsibility and apologize if she hopes to once again be in our lives. He compared the sister to a mom who leads her kids to a child molester knowing exactly what will happen and the devastation to follow as she had been through it before.

At least WH is seeing sister for what she is and is not asking me to see her for a couple of years or until she understands that what she did is wrong. He's also said that if he never sees her again he'll be okay with that. He knows he can't see her without me being there since I can't trust her. And that is the conundrum. I can't subject myself to someone who has no respect for my marriage, who tried everything to ruin our marriage, still wishes WH was with her best friend and sees noting wrong with her actions because she wants everyone to be happy (well except for me and my children I guess). Plus I told my husband that her even being friends with OW is a slap in the face and a F U as well.

Just glad WH and myself are making changes and that he sees the A wasn't real but just a selfish fantasy that he was indulging in.

Having problems lately dwelling on the affair. Images keep going through my mind and I don't know how to make it stop. Things are going well. He hasn't had contact with the OW or his sister. We've been spending a lot of time together doing fun things. The sex has been frequent and great, but I still can't get over what he did and the betrayal and hurt I feel.

What can I do? How long does this last?

Did you have your husband take a poly? Do you have all the facts about the affair? If so have you verified said facts with a polygraph? Heavy emphasis on polygraph your being triggered because of the doubts. Have you done the EN questionnaire? Read surviving the affair and lovebusters together? Has he gotten rid of all the mementos of his affair? Shirts he wore when he was with her? What EPs do you have in place? NC letter done? Read everything on the website and follow the program to the T.

In addition to all these questions, have you seen this?
Managing Memories and Dealing With Triggers

No poly taken. I believe I have all the facts. I know when it started as I met the OW at a function. I know how many times he saw her and what they did. He told me details and answered all my questions. I think perhaps I am depressed because I know so many details, saw naked pics of OW and met her even. Too many mental images. Plus WH's sister is best friends with OW and connected them and encouraged the affair. So I feel like there will always be a reminder of the affair. We do not plan to see his sister for a year or two, but eventually we'll have to see her for Christmas. I just dread that.

We have done the emotional needs questionnaire. I am trying to be more affectionate, have more enthusiastic sex and doing recreational activities. My husband is being open and honest (even if it hurts) and make more money. I am trying to avoid love busters like being negative and a drama queen. I have read Surviving an Affair. Husband is part way through it. Have bought Love Busters but haven't read it yet.

I don't think he has any momentos from the affair. They only saw each other three times after the initial meeting. He was wearing work clothes because he had lied and said he was going out of town to work and another time to do a quote. His work clothes are all exactly the same like a uniform. I did have him get rid of the shirt he wore the night we were both with her at the sisters friends house.

We blocked her phone number from texting him. He does not talk or text his sister. He called and talked to his sister (with me listening on another phone) and told her he could not talk to her for a while. He sent a NC letter. (Sister verified handwriting with father in law and mother in law as she didn't think WH wrote it. I guess her and OW thought I wrote it.). I can check the location of his phone. He gives me his itinerary each day. He takes pics of jobs he's doing. It's hard as he is self-employed. He is working on a business combination which will provide more accountability. OW lives in another state three hours away. She actually blocked us on FB. Husband has already unfriended sister as she has pics of her and OW there. Husband can't change phone numbers because of work. If they really want to be in touch they can find a way although I don't believe that's likely.

I can't believe he did this. I am hurt and mad that he cared so little for me that he had an affair. WH seems to be having an easier time forgetting OW than me. He says he only thinks of her when I ask him questions. He feels terrible for what he did and apologizes frequently. He wants to move forward and work on our marriage and I seem to be the one who can't let it go. I know I should count my blessings that he stopped the affair, is with me and wants to make our marriage better and make it work. I am just having a hard time letting go of what he did.

Oh yeah. His sister unfriended me on FB when I used her contacts to expose the affair to OW's sister and two friends I had identified. Sister called me a vengeful spiteful psycho. Isn't that rich? Probably beat as I found myself checking up on her and OW's activities on FB.